THE RANTING OLD GEEZER

GOOD LUCK TO US.

2010-02-22T17:12:00.000-08:00

WANT TO HAVE A HOOT? WATCH CSPAN’S COVERAGE OF THE SENATE. THE CAMERA SHOWS A MOSTLY EMPTY ROOM THAT CONTAINS A FANTASTIC BLUE FLEUR DE LIS CARPET AND LOTS OF VACANT WOODEN ANTIQUE DESKS. THE DESKS SHOULD BE OCCUPIED BY SENATORS BUT 99% OF THE TIME, THEY ARE SOMEPLACE ELSE. PROBABLY RAISING MONEY FROM LOBBYIST AND SPECIAL INTEREST GONIFS. SENATORS PROUDLY BOAST THAT THEIR PARTICULAR DESK HAS HISTORICAL VALUE…”WAS THE DESK OF JAMES MADISON OR THOMAS JEFFERSON”. BULLSHIT. I LOOKED, AND ALL OF THEM HAVE TAGS THAT SAY, “MADE IN CHINA.”

THE ONLY PEOPLE YOU WILL SEE ON THE TELECASTS ARE SENATE PAGES OR OTHER EMPLOYEES THAT STAND OR WALK AROUND LIKE CONVICTS IN AN EXERCISE YARD. WHILE THEY WAIT AND WAIT FOR AN OCCASIONAL SENATOR TO WALK INTO THE CHAMBER TO MAKE SOME IDIOTIC POLITICAL STATEMENT MEANT FOR THE FOLKS BACK HOME. THE SENATE COVERAGE IS ABOUT AS EXCITING AS SEEING A GAY, DWARF NAMED, HERBIE, PLAYING TEVYEWANT TO HAVE A HOOT? WATCH CSPAN’S COVERAGE OF THE SENATE. THE CAMERA SHOWS A MOSTLY EMPTY ROOM THAT CONTAINS A FANTASTIC BLUE FLEUR DE LIS CARPET AND LOTS OF VACANT WOODEN ANTIQUE DESKS. THE DESKS SHOULD BE OCCUPIED BY SENATORS BUT 99% OF THE TIME, THEY ARE SOMEPLACE ELSE. PROBABLY RAISING MONEY FROM LOBBYIST AND SPECIAL INTEREST GONIFS. SENATORS PROUDLY BOAST THAT THEIR PARTICULAR DESK HAS HISTORICAL VALUE…”WAS THE DESK OF JAMES MADISON OR THOMAS JEFFERSON”. BULLSHIT. I LOOKED, AND ALL OF THEM HAVE TAGS THAT SAY, “MADE IN CHINA.”

THE ONLY PEOPLE YOU WILL SEE ON THE TELECASTS ARE SENATE PAGES OR OTHER EMPLOYEES THAT STAND OR WALK AROUND LIKE CONVICTS IN AN EXERCISE YARD. WHILE THEY WAIT AND WAIT FOR AN OCCASIONAL SENATOR TO WALK INTO THE CHAMBER TO MAKE SOME IDIOTIC POLITICAL STATEMENT MEANT FOR THE FOLKS BACK HOME. THE SENATE COVERAGE IS ABOUT AS EXCITING AS SEEING A GAY, DWARF NAMED, HERBIE, PLAYING TOVA IN A PRODUCTION OF “FIDDLER ON THE ROOF.”

THE SENATE IS MADE UP OF BLOATED, OLD, WHITE MEN WEARING UNSTYLISH SUITS. SADLY, THE FEMALE MEMBERS LOOK THE SAME. THESE POLITICAL HACKS ARE TOTALLY OUT OF TOUCH WITH WHAT THE PEOPLE NEED OR WANT. THEY’RE A GROUP OF PARTISAN SLUGS WHO FORGOT WHY THEY WERE ELECTED. IT’S NOT THAT ANYONE EXPECTS HARRY REED AND MITCH McCONNELL TO PLAY ‘KUMBAYA” BUT WOULDN’T IT BE REFRESHING FOR SENATORS TO STOP ACTING LIKE SPOILED BRATS AND PASS NEEDED LEGISLATION? THEY HAVE BECOME A GROUP OF DECEITFUL, DISHONEST, CORRUPT POLITICOS WHO LOST SIGHT THAT THEY ARE PAID TOO MUCH MONEY TO SCREW AROUND WHEN THE COUNTRY IS IN TROUBLE.
IN A PRODUCTION OF “FIDDLER ON THE ROOF.”

THE SENATE IS MADE UP OF BLOATED, OLD, WHITE MEN WEARING UNSTYLISH SUITS. SADLY, THE FEMALE MEMBERS LOOK THE SAME. THESE POLITICAL HACKS ARE TOTALLY OUT OF TOUCH WITH WHAT THE PEOPLE NEED OR WANT. THEY’RE A GROUP OF PARTISAN SLUGS WHO FORGOT WHY THEY WERE ELECTED. IT’S NOT THAT ANYONE EXPECTS HARRY REED AND MITCH McCONNELL TO PLAY ‘KUMBAYA” BUT WOULDN’T IT BE REFRESHING FOR SENATORS TO STOP ACTING LIKE SPOILED BRATS AND PASS NEEED LEGISLATION? THEY HAVE BECOME A GROUP OF DECEITFUL, DISHONEST, CORRUPT POLITICOS WHO LOST SIGHT THAT THEY ARE PAID TOO MUCH MONEY TO SCREW AROUND WHEN THE COUNTRY IS IN TROUBLE.

2010-01-18T17:43:00.001-08:00

WHAT THE FUCK IS THE ‘TEA PARTY’? ARE THEY DESCENDANTS OF THE SCHMUCKS, DURING REVOLUTIONARY WAR, WHO FORGOT TO THROW TEA OVERBOARD AND INSTEAD TOSSED BRITISH SAILORS AND TURNED BOSTON HARBOR INTO THE WORLD’S FIRST HUMAN STARBUCKS.

WHY ARE THESE RETARDS GETTING PUBLICTY IN THE MEDIA WHEN THEY ARE NOTHING BUT BORN-AGAIN, RIGHT-WING, CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS WHO’S ONLY PHILOSOPHY IS TO BE ‘AGAINST.’ THEY ARE REDNECK BIGOTS WHO ARE OFFENDED THAT A BLACK MAN WAS ELECTED INSTEAD OF THAT HOOKER, MORON, SARAH PALIN. IF THEY WERE ALL GATHERED TOGETHER THEIR COMBINED I.Q. WOULD BE ABOUT THE LENGTH OF MY DICK.

IT’S TIME THE PRESS, IN THE WORDS OF TONY SOPRANO,
“FORGETTA ABOUT”THEM. TRUST THE OLD GEEZER, THESE ASSHOLES WOULD BE FORGOTTEN QUICKER THAN NBC’S ‘FARTING WITH THE STARS’ IF WE IGNORED ‘EM. THE REPUBLICAN POLITICIANS ARE COUNTING ON THEM TO MAKE THE OBAMA YEARS A TOTAL FAILURE. IF WE DON’T ROUND THEM UP AND THROW THEM INTO GITMO...THEY MIGHT SUCCEED.

IT’S TIME ALL THINKING MEN AND WOMEN FORMED THE LATTE PARTY AND KICKED THEIR ASSES.

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!

2010-01-12T09:10:00.000-08:00

THE LATEST CHARLATAN TO ASK FORGIVENESS FROM THE PUBLIC IS MARK
McGWIRE. HE FINALLY ADMITTED THAT HE HAD USED STEROIDS DURING HIS HOMERUN
RAMPAGE BREAKING ROGER MARIS'S RECORD. DUH! IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT McGWIRE HAD
BULKED UP WITH ILLEGAL DRUGS AND THAT WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM HAVING MORE
MUSCLES THAN THE HULK. A GUY WHO USED TO LOOK LIKE PEEWEE HERMAN SUDDENLY GREW
BICEPS LIKE POPEYE.

BUT THIS DISHONEST REDHEAD PROCLAIMED FROM THE ROOF-TOPS THAT HE HAD NEVER
TAKEN ANY ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES. HE EVEN LIED TO CONGRESS ABOUT HIS USE OF STEROIDS.
HE GOT AWAY WITH HIS PREVARICATIONS BECAUSE CONGRESS WOULDN'T KNOW THE TRUTH
IF IT HIT THEM IN THEIR WALLETS. I'M SURPRISED THE SENATE DIDN'T MAKE HIM AN
HONORARY MEMBER.

THE REASON McGWIRE FINALLY CAME CLEAN IS BECAUSE THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS HIRED
HIM AS A BATTING INSTRUCTOR/PHARMACIST. BELIEVING THAT MARK McGWIRE HAS FOUND GOD
AND NOW WILL BE HONEST IS LIKE BELIEVING THAT MICHAEL JACKSON NEVER HAD PLASTIC
SURGERY! MARK WAS A LIAR AND SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED BACK IN THE SPORT HE SHORT-
CHANGED WITH HIS CORRUPT AND DISHONEST ACTIONS. FUCK HIM, THE CLOSEST HE
SHOULD GET TO COOPERSTOWN IS FLYING OVER UGANDA.

ALL THE FANS THAT BELIEVED IN HIM, AND MADE HIM THEIR HERO,
MUST HAVE FELT AS NAUSEOUS AND LET DOWN AS I DO LISTENING TO DICK CHENEY BLATHER
AND LIE ON FOX NEWS. WHAT TOOK McGWIRE SO MANY YEARS TO TELL THE TRUTH? TO COME
CLEAN WITH HIS FANS AND BASEBALL? HIS RECENT TEARS MUT HAVE BEEN CAUSED BY AN
ONION AROUND HIS NECK. TELLING THE TRUTH WILL BE A NEW EXPERIENCE
FOR McGWIRE. IT'S LIKE SAYING CHARLES MANSON WAS JUST GOING THROUGH A PHASE.

FIRST, TIGER WOODS BEING CAUGHT WITH HIS PANTS DOWN AND NOW THIS.

MAY AIRPORTS HANG BY THE NECK.

2009-09-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

The Old Geezer has been accused of many things through the years. Some of which were true and the others I say ‘Tish-Tosh” to. Have never been called a right-wing, extremist, conspiracy fruitcake that believes our government is the enemy and their only reason for being is to take away all our liberties and freedoms. These folks have the brains of a pot of kasha!

Very few things make me angry enough to want to take up arms and resort to violence. I, am, not a skin head although I do have more skin on my head than hair. The NRA doesn’t consider me a card-paying member. In fact I believe with all my heart that Charlton Heston was a homophobic stiff who wore the worst toupee in history and couldn’t act his way onto The Gong Show.

BUT, like most of you I get furious, angry, irritated, frantic and crazy when I hear about airline passengers who are forced to sit, as prisoners, on a locked jet that isn’t allowed to take-off or pull up to its passenger gate. These poor souls are treated worse than the most dangerous captive at Gitmo. Airline personnel don’t allow these customers to leave the plane under any circumstances. They must sit like condemned death row inmates and are given no choice about their dilemma. Six or seven hours stuck in a million dollar sardine can that is beginning to smell like a Turkish cabdriver, without food or water, seems perfectly acceptable to the idiots running airlines. Never, has any airline executive ever found themselves in such a deplorable situation.

The average passenger has paid too much for their ticket, forced to go through concentration camps security checks, stuffed into seats that were designed for midgets and are told to suck it up while their plane just sits and sits. No airline or airport ever explains in coherent English why these damn things happen. The Federal government of FAA should institute a rule that planes can’t be left standing on a landing lane or near a terminal for more than 45-minutes. The passengers MUST be let off the plane and taken into the terminal. No ifs-ands-or-buts!!!!!

Because the Geezer is clear thinker the people responsible for these horrific situation should be hung by their big toe, boiled in oil and forced to watch reruns of Doogie Howser.

THE NEWS NOT FIT TO PRINT!!!!!

2009-07-23T17:31:00.000-07:00

THE GEEZER’S PLATE IS FULL OF SHIT NEWS FROM
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. TWENTY SOME SHTICKDRIKS WERE ARRESTED IN NEW JERSEY FOR MONEY LAUNDERING. AMONG THEM; POLITICIANS,
BUSINESS PEOPLE AND A FEW RABBIS.

PERSONALLY, I DON’T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT WHEN IT COMES TO THE RABBIS. I HAVE NEVER MET OR HEARD ABOUT A RABBI EVEN KNOWING A BAR OF SOAP. HOW THE FUCK CAN THEY BE GUILTY OF LAUNDERING WHEN THEY NEVER WASH? THIS MUST BE A FEDERAL SCAM TO INDICT THESE HAIRY GONIFS WHO USED THEIR FAKE CHARITIES TO LAUNDER ILLEGAL FUNDS.

IF THAT ISN’T ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU CHOKE ON A MATZO BALL…WHO THE FUCKING HELL IS LYNN CHENEY? I’M SURE SHE ISN’T DICK’S DIKE DAUGHTER WHO HAS HER MOUTH FULL OF CARPET TO MAKE SPEECHES. DOES ANYBODY REALLY GIVE A CRAP
ABOUT WHAT LYNN THINKS OR BLABBERS ABOUT.
HER FATHER (AND FOR THAT MATTER, HER MOTHER, SHOULD BE HUNG FROM THEIR TOES AND DROPPED INTO A VAT OF KASHA.

THAT’S IT AND THAT’S ALL….

BRING BACK AMBULANCE CHASERS.

2009-06-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

INSTEAD OF STAYING OUT OF OUR LIVES AS THE REPUBLICANS INSIST --THE FEDS MUST GET INVOLVED AND STOP AN CON THAT IS BEING FOISTED ON TV VIEWERS. EVERY CABLE NETWORK AND CHANNEL INUNDATES US WITH FALSE CLAIMS BY INSURANCE COMPANIES OR LAWYERS. THE POINT OF THESE ADS ARE TO FRIGHTEN THE CRAP OUT OF US BY SAYING THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN SUBJECTED TO A DANGEROUS PRODUCT THAT CAN KILL. THAT ONLY THEY CAN GUARANTEE TO GET YOU LOTS OF MONEY FROM THE OFFENDING EVILDOER.

AFTER PROMISING MONEY, ONCE YOU CALL AN 800-NUMBER, THEY FLASH AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN A DISCLAIMER SMALL ENOUGH THAT ONLY AND OWL CAN READ IT. THESE DISCLAIMERS BASICALLY PROMISE YOU NOTHING. USUALLY IT SAYS THAT THE COMPANY OR LAW FIRM THAT IS PAYING FOR THE COMMERCIAL ISN’T RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING YOU ANYTHING. THEY ARE JUST AGENTS AND WILL GIVE YOU A LIST OF SO-CALLED
‘EXPERT’ LAWYERS TO HANDLE YOUR CASE. SOME OF THE TINY PRINT ALSO SAYS THAT IN CASE YOUR CLAIM IS TURNED DOWN, THAT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL COURT COSTS EVEN THE DEFENDENTS’.

HERE’S WHAT PISSES ME OFF: THESE FALSE ADS ARE TARGETTED TO OLD AND POOR PEOPLE. THAT’S THE REASON FOR THE UNREADABLE DISCLAIMER. THEY PROMISE MONEY AND BENEFITS WHEN THEY ACTUALLY CAN’T DELIVER ANYTHING – NOT EVEN A PIZZA. IF YOU CALL THE 800 NUMBER TO TALK TO “ONE OF THEIR EXPERTS” – YOU WILL PROBABLY BE CONNECTED TO INDIA OR PAKISTAN.

YEARS AGO, LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES WOULD GET THEIR PANTY-HOSE IN KNOTS AT SUPPOSED “AMBULANCE CHASERS.” THEY WERE ILLEGAL AND FROWNED UPON. NOW WITH TV, CABLE AND THE INTERNET A NEW TYPE OF CROOK HAS RAISED THEMSELVES OUT OF THE SMELLY MUD.
THE FCC AND STATE GOVERNMENTS SHOULD PROHIBIT THESE FALSE AND MISLEADING ADS FROM OUR AIRWAYS. THE AIRWAYS THAT THE PUBLIC OWNS.
THESE COMMERICAL BLOODSUCKING LAWYERS MUST BE STOPPED. I DON’T WANT ANYBODY TELLING ME THAT I CAN SUE FOR MILLIONS FOR MY ‘HEARTBREAK OF PSORIASIS!
MEN AND WOMEN ARE BEING DUPED BY THESE NO-GOODNICKS.

TIME FOR ACTION!

AND A BOTTLE OF RUM!

2009-04-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

I’m sick and tired reading about the fucking Somali pirates. Don’t these dickheads realize how anachronistic they are? When any of us hear the word “Pirate” – we think of Errol Flynn, Yvonne DeCarlo, Anthony Quinn and Maureen O’Hara – not a ragtag bunch of street thugs.

The day after the Navy Seals rescued Capt. Phillips from these gangsters, after killing three of them – 4 more ships were hijacked on the high seas. It’s obvious that these pirates are after huge ransoms from the shipping lines or governments that own the hijacked boats. These thugs are controlled by Somalia warlords. In 2007, 263 ships where hijacked. It has gone up from then. A few sailors have been killed trying to defend their ships or as a warning to the owners that these killers mean business.

There is an International Law against piracy and robbery on the high seas. As usual with International laws nobody does a damn thing about enforcing them. The Old Geezer has a simple solution to end piracy once and for all. Somali is a lawless country. There is no functioning government. The place is run by criminal warlords making millions out of holding ships for ransom. Ready? We should bomb the fuck out of the Somalia coast and the rest of this lawless place. No one would miss the thieves. Fuck ‘em. If some of them are captured they should be drawn and quartered just like Charles Laughton would do. They should be summarily executed like mad dogs. The civilized world must use all means necessary to rid the world of these vermin.

If the International community is too pussy to do this, The U.S should go it alone – or, maybe with the help of the Israelis. These pirates have no reason to live!

FUCK THE FAG REPUBLICANS!

2009-04-13T18:48:00.000-07:00

THE REPUBLICANS: AKA: THE WHIG PARTY…HAS GONE OFF THE DEEP END. THEY HAVE THE RELEVANCE OF…A BUDGET PLASTIC SURGEON. THEY ARE NOT FOR ANYTHING….TOTAL NEGATIVITY IS THEIR CODE. NONE OF THEM WILL GIVE THE DEMOCRATS OR PRESIDENT OBAMA CREDIT FOR ANY POSITIVE SIGNS IN THE ECONOMY, FOREIGN POLICY AND THE CITIZEN’S HOPE FOR THE FUTURE.

JUST LOOK AT THEIR MAJOR SPOKESPERSONS – NOT ON AN EMPTY STOMACH, I SUGGEST. NEWT GINGRICH – WHO THE FUCK NAMES A BOY ‘NEWT’? HE’S OBVIOUSLY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012 AND HAS STARTED TO FOAM FROM THE MOUTH; ANN COULTER – A RAVING IDIOT BUT GREAT SALESWOMAN – ‘SPECIALLY FOR HER BOOKS; SARAH PALIN – WHO HAS THE I.Q. ABOUT HER WAIST SIZE; AND THE RADIO SPIN DOCTORS: RUSH LIMBAUGH, SEAN HANNITY AND GLENN BECK. MAY THEIR VOCAL CHORDS BE RIPPED OUT WITH PLIERS. IF THE REPUBLICANS BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE GOING TO CAPTURE THE HEARTS OF AMERICANS BY SAYING, “NO!!!!!”…THEN THEY DON’T BELIEVE OPRAH HAS A WEIGHT PROBLEM.

IN THE RECENT DUST-UP WITH THOSE SOMALIA PIRATES (WHERE’S VIRGINIA MAYO WHEN WE WANT HER?)…THEY IMMEDIATELY STARTED TO BLEAT THAT WHILE THE BRAVE CAPTAIN WAS UNDER CAPTURE – OBAMA WAS A PUSSY AND WEAK. AFTER HE ORDERED THE NAVY TO KILL THE HIIJACKERS AND SAVE THE CAPTAIN -- THEY SWITCHED AND NOW CLAIM HE’S A WARMONGER. YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS, DICKHEADS. WHAT I HOPE BARRACK DOES IS BOMB THE SHIT OUT OF THE SOMALI PIRATES SAFE HAVENS. KILL EVERYONE OF THEM. THEY SERVE NO PURPOSE EXCEPT FOR CAUSING TROUBLE. WHILE TRYING TO GIVE OBAMA SHIT – THEY NEVER MENTION OR ACKNOWLEDGE THE DANGER GEORGE W. BUSH PUT OUR COUNTRY IN. THE OLD GEEZER HAS ON THING TO SAY TO THESE IDIOTIC CONSERVATIVES…FUCK YOU AND EVERYONE WHO BELIEVES YOUR MUCKRAKING.

THE DONALD IS A FAKE.

2009-03-15T13:22:00.000-07:00

Everyone is sick of hearing about the disgusting CEOs and Banks that have scammed the American people out of billions. Stop wringing your hands or your financial advisor’s neck. Bernie Madoff is not the exception to the rule. He is the rule! The truth is none of his victims will ever see a dime of their losses. Let’s hope Madoff enjoys the rest of his life in prison, dancing with his cellmate named,
Big Buck. Sadly, it seems that greed and avarice has become a religion in our country. The next hustler that will make headlines is “The Donald.” Trump is mostly known for his Trump’s Tower in NYC, his nauseating TV appearances and his ridiculous hair. Donald is a great salesman but the truth is his financial record’s
as bad as a Pauly Shore movie. Most of ‘his new developments’ have failed and cost his investors hundreds of millions. His long publicized development in Cabo San Lucas has closed. It was a hundred of millions bust and none of his investors will see a dime back. His office claims they weren’t the developer of the project they just lent their name and received a large fee for their name. Sounds like his name is for sale to the highest bidder. Bernie Madoff lives again. Trump Entertainment, which owned many hotels and Casinos has gone bankrupt. His Trump Tower in Chicago has gone bust. The Donald is known for being slooooow on paying bills. Yet, this fraud has the chutzpah to claim that he started a University. Trump U. – look it up on the internet. They send unsolicited mailers to innocent people telling about upcoming ‘lectures’ that will help you improve your “market-proof financial future. “Please accept my invitation – for you and a guest – to a powerful wealth-building workshop that will demonstrate specific, proven and profitable strategies that you can use right away to score big profits within these current market conditions.” The Donald doesn’t say he will give any of the lectures but “one of my world-class instructors, from Trump University, will teach you on how to profit from today’s real estate market.” What instructors? There is no Trump University unless it’s located in his bathroom. If his ideas work why the hell, didn’t he use them on his recent real estate failures? The only thing you can be sure about Donald Trump is his enormous EGO and funny hair. He’s going to make Madoff look like a piker.

OY VEY! THE WORLD IS OVER.

2009-03-06T07:28:00.000-08:00

IN ANSWER TO YOUR THOUSANDS OF LETTER I FELT YOU DESERVE AN EXPLANATION. THE OLD GEEZER HAS BEEN SO DISGUSTED WITH WHAT'S HAPPENING TO OUR COUNTRY THAT I DECIDED TO BREAK MY QUILL AND STOP WRITING FOR A WHILE. OUR ECONOMY HAS SHATTERED LIKE EXPENSIVE POLISH CRYSTAL AT THE SOUND OF A FART.EVERY POLITICIAN SHOULD BE HUNG BY THE NECK LIKE WE USED TO DO WITH CATTLE THIEVES. CEOs OF BANKS AND INVESTMENT/HEDGE FUNDS SHOULD BE BURIED ALIVE WITH THIR GOLDEN PARACHUTES.

MY DISGUST AND ANGER DOESN'T END THERE: WHEN I HEARD ABOUT, CLARENCE SWENSEN, THE 91-YEAR OLD MUNCHKIN WHO PASSED THE OTHER DAY I SHED MANY TEARS.HE WAS BURIED IN A CIGAR BOX -- AND I WILL NEVER WATCH THE WIZARD OF OZ AGAIN. IF THAT WASN'T SAD ENOUGH, IMAGINE MY SHOCK TO HEAR THAT THE WORLDS OLDEST LIVING KABUKI ACTOR WAS NO LONGER LIVING.I THREW ALL MY WHITE PANCAKE MAKE-UP IN THE NEAREST SUSHI BAR. WHAT THE HELL IS THE WORLD COMING TO?

I THOUGHT THE GEEZER COULDN'T BE TORMENTED AND SURPRISED ANYMORE! WRONG! ON FEB 26, 2009 A SEEMINGLY HEALTHY 28-YEAR OLD RUSSIAN SERF DIED AFTER GUZZLING A BOTTLE OF VIAGRA PILLS HE THOUGHT HE NEEDED IT TO KEEP HIM GOING FOR A 12-HOUR ORGY WITH TWO FEMALE FRIENDS. THOSE YOUNG, INNOCENT VIRGIN WANNABEES HAD BET SERGEY TUGANOV $3,000.00 BUCKS THAT HE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SATISFY THEM BOTH NON-STOP FOR THE HALF-DAY SEX MARATHON. MINUTES AFTER WINNING THE WAGER, THE RANDY 28-YEAR OLD DROPPED DEAD WITH A HEART ATTACK. A LESSON TO BE LEARNED. BEWARE OF RUSSIAN VIAGRA OR RUSSIAN WOMEN. HIS COFFIN HAD TO BE BUILT WITH A BULGE IN IT. A SIMPLE COMMIE/PINKO ORGY CAN TURN DEADLY OR AS I SUSPECT, AFTER THE DEED, HE OPENED HIS EYES AND SAW THAT THE GIRLS LOOKED LIKE TROTSKY AND STALIN.

THERE IS HOPE!

2008-12-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

I REALIZE THE OLD GEEZER HAS BEEN MISSING IN ACTION FOR A WHILE. I'VE HAD LOTS OF IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO DURING THE RECENT ELECTION. I WAS HIRED TO GIVE SARAH PALIN GEOGRAPHY LESSONS WHICH WORKED OUT SWELL. BUT NOW I'M BACK AND RARING TO GO.

SINCE WE ARE A COUNTRY OF 'WINERS' ACCORDING TO SOME - I'M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT SOME CREATIVE, ENTREPENEURS ARE STILL ALIVE AND KICKING. MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL HAS AUTHORIZED THE USE OF TEAM LOGOS ON A LINE OF FUNERAL CASKETS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO CARRY THEIR 'FANDOM' UNTO ETERNITY. MODLES FOR THE YANKEES (REPLETE WITH INTERIOR PINSTRIPES) WENT ON SALE RECENTLY. THE CASKETS GLEAM IN CREAM-COLORED 18-GAUGE STEEL, WITH THE TEAM LOGOS EMBOSSED ON BOTH THE OPEN LID LINING AND THE LOVED ONES HEAD PILLOW. I SUSPECT FOR A FEW EXTRA SHECKLES THE BODY CAN BURIED IN SPIKES,A BAT AND A TRAVEL UNIFORM. IT IS RUMORED THAT SOME 'STIFFS' CAN PURCHASE DIRT FROM MANY DEFUNCT STADIUMS OF THE METS AND YANKEES TO BURNISH THE HAPPY OCCASION. "YOU KNOW TOSS INFIELD DIRT ON THE CASKET OR BODY AS A SEND-OFF." IN THE CASE OF A BROOKLY DODGER FAN THE BEST THEY CAN DO IS SNEAK INTO ONE OF THE EBBETS FIELD APARTMENTS AND GRAB SOME DUST BUNNIES.

THE ULTIMATE FORM OF SKY BOX CAN BE USED IN MANY WAYS. FOR INSTANCE: STRIPEPRS AND POLE DANCERS CAN HAVE DOLLAR BILLS STUCK IN THEIR G-STRINGS; CHEFS CAN HAVE SOFT BOILED EGGS SMEARED ON THEIR FACES; SHE SALESMAN WOULD FIND THEMSELVES SURROUNDED BY HUSHPUPPIES; AND THE BEAT GOES ON.

I THINK THIS WILL BECOME THE HOTTEST INDUSTRY IN YEARS. FOR THOSE FAMILY MEMBERS WHO COMPLAIN THAT THEIR INFIRM FATHER OR MOTHER IS "DRIVING THEM TO THEIR GRAVES" - A CHAUFFERS CAP AND LUG WRENCH CAN BE PROVIDED.

A TON OF FUN!

2008-10-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

THE INJUSTICES THAT WE AMERICANS HAVE HAD TO INDURE DURING THE LAST EIGHT YEARS HAS REACHED A POINT OF NO RETURN. THE GEEZER IS PISSED!

EVER HEAR OF RICHARD COOEY? NO, HE ISN’T A PIG CALLING SOUND MADE BY GUYS IN BIB OVERALLS AT COUNTRY FAIRS. COOEY WAS A COLD-HEARTED KILLER CONVICTED FOR THE MURDER OF TWO UNIVERSITY OF AKRON STUDENTS IN 1986. COOEY WAS SENTENCED TO DIE BY LETHAL INJECTION AND PROTESTED ALL THE WAY UP TO THE SUPREME COURT THAT…GET THIS…THAT HE WAS TOO FAT TO BE PUT TO DEATH. THE CHUTZPAH OF THIS FATSO SHOULD BE APPLAUDED. HE CLAIMED THAT HE WAS SOOOO FAT THAT PRISON STAFF WOULD FIND IT DIFFICULT TO ACCESS A VEIN IN HIS BODY. HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE USED AS A DART BOARD.

RICHARD COOEY WAS 5-FOOT-7, 267-POUNDS AT THE TIME OF HIS DEATH. HELL, I SEE LOTS OF WOMEN AT WALMART WHO HAVE THE SAME MEASUREMENTS. THE SUPREME COURT, TO THE SURPRISE OF NO ONE, TURNED DOWN HIS APPEAL. COOEY’S REACTION WAS TO PUT DOWN THE OX HE WAS EATING AND YELL, “SHIT.” LAW ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES DIDN’T GIVE MUCH CREDENCE TO HIS APPEAL BECAUSE WHEN HE ARRIVED ON DEATH ROW HE WEIGHED 110-POUNDS. THIS PORKER GAINED 157-POUNDS ON PRISON GRUB. THE STATE OF OHIO IS EXPECTED TO SAVE TWO MILLION DOLLARS, THIS YEAR ALONE, JUST FROM NOT FEEDING COOEY ANYMORE.

HIS LAST MEAL WAS NOT ANNOUNCED BUT AN 18-WHEELER WAS SEEN PULLING UP TO THE DEATH HOUSE AND UNLOADING A TRUCKFULL OF GOODIES. ONE REPORT STATES THAT HIS NORMAL BREAKFAST COULD FEED ALL OF UGANDA’S HUNGRY PEOPLE.

DON'T GET TOO OLD

2008-08-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

WHOEVER COINED THE PHRASE “THE GOLDEN YEARS” IS A LYING, RAT BASTARD. THERE IS NOTHING GOLDEN ABOUT GROWING OLD. IT SUCKS!

YOUR BODY STOPS FUNCTIONING THE WAY IT USED TO. YOU ACHE IN PLACES THAT YOU NEVER KNEW YOU HAD. YOU LOSE CONTROL OF IMPORTANT BODILY FUNCTIONS – LIKE HOW TO USE THE TV REMOTE. YOUR MEMORY IS MUSH. YOUR BLADDER HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN. YOUR HEARING, WHICH YOU PROUDLY COMPARED TO THAT OF A DOG, RESEMBLES A DEAD DOG. WHAT?!?

FRANKLY, GROWING OLD IS EMBARRASSING. I DON’T WANT TO BE HELPED ACROSS THE STREET BY SOME ZIT-COVERED BOY SCOUT. HELL, NOWADAYS I NEED GLASSES JUST TO THINK. IMAGINE HOW I FELT READING ABOUT SOME 78-YEAR OLD BIDDY IN SWEDEN WHO COULDN’T QUITE FIGURE OUT THE CHECK-IN PROCEDURES AT THE STOCKHOLM AIRPORT. YOU’D THINK THEY WERE PRINTED IN SWEDISH, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. WHEN CHECKING HER BAG, SHE ALSO STEPPED ONTO THE CONVEYOR BELT AND FELL DOWN THE BAGGAGE CHUTE. WHEN SHE LANDED ON SOME FAKE LOUIS VUITON LUGGAGE SHE REALIZED THAT SHE MADE A MISTAKE. FORTUNATELY, THE OLD BROAD WASN’T HURT AND WAS ABLE TO MAKE HER PLANE TO GERMANY. SAD THING IS SHE KNOWS NO ONE IN GERMANY AND WAS HOPING TO FLY TO IRELAND. GOLDEN YEARS, THIS!!!!!!!

TO PROVE MY POINT ABOUT GROWING OLD AND BECOMING A BURDEN TO SOCIETY JUST LOOK AT WHAT JOHN McCAIN ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK. AS A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE HIS FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT DECISION WAS PICKING A RUNNING MATE. THE PERSON WHO WILL BE A HEARTBEAT AWAY FROM THE OVAL OFFICE. ON HIS 72ND BIRTHDAY THIS IDIOT PICKED THE GOVERNOR OF ALASKA – A WOMAN HE HAD ONLY MET TWICE – AS HIS VICE PRESIDENTIAL RUNNING MATE.

THIS RIGHT-WING, RELIGIOUS CONSERVATIVE WHO PROUDLY IS A MEMBER OF THE NRA AND IS PRO-LIFE WAS ONCE A WANNABE BEAUTY QUEEN FROM HER STATE. SHE WAS BEATEN BY A WALRUS. SHE’S BEEN IN OFFICE FOR TWO YEARS AND POINTS WITH PRIDE THAT SHE HASN’T BEEN INDICTED FOR MALFEASANCE YET. GIVE HER TIME.

ONLY AN OLD, SENILE PUTZ WOULD PICK A VP WITH NO EXEPERIENCE OR BACKGROUND. EVERYONE SHOULD BE PUT TO BED OR LOCKED IN A CLOSET ONCE THEY REACH THE RIPE OLD AGE OF 21.

CALL ME BACK.....

2008-07-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

The State of California just passed a new law that mandates that drivers must use ‘hands-free’ telephones in their cars. It was long overdue. If you are on the road and see an auto weaving between lanes; hogging the left lane and driving slower than a turtle; or just acting like a danger to the other drivers it’s guaranteed to be one of three things. You can bet the farm on it. It’s either a senior, senior citizen behind the wheel who shouldn’t be on the road in the first place; an Oriental who should be driving a rickshaw and not pissing off other drivers because of their lack of skill; or - it’s some schmuck still using a handheld cell phone in spite of the new law. Obeying the law will not only make you a better driver but has some other benefits. You can now give yourself a pedicure while driving; put on your make-up and if you're a lucky guy get a quick auto-suck.

These arrogant SOBs not only are breaking the law but couldn’t care less. Every time I see one of them I quickly look around hoping to see a cop near-bye who will not only pull the putz over but taser him, or her, until they look like somebody holding the third rail. But like that old saying, “You can never find a cop when you need one.”

I applauded the new law when it was enacted like everyone else…unless they happen to be holding a goddamn cell phone. Gov. Arnold has to do something about these drivers breaking the ‘hands-free’ new law. The State should spend money and publicize it and warn of the consequences of a driver caught with a cell phone in their mitt. Up the fine for law breakers until they realize it’s a serious offense. Something like their first born might do the trick. OR, allow us law abiding drivers to take down the license plate of the offending car and report it to the police.

If you see anybody, anybody, entering a car with a cell phone strapped to their waist you should have the right to make a citizen’s arrest unless they can prove their car has ‘hands-free’ capability or a blue tooth with or without a cavity. If you disagree with this rant you can call me on my cell phone.

PULL YOUR GODDAMN PANTS UP!

2008-07-22T10:45:00.000-07:00

LET’S HEAR IT FOR LYNWOOD, ILL. I CAN’T HEAR YOU.
THAT’S BETTER. LYNWOOD IS A SUBURB OF CHICAGO. IF YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS METROPOLIS DON’T FRET…NO ONE HAS. BUT, STARTING TODAY, LYNWOOD IS MY FAVORITE PLACE ON EARTH.

IT DID WHAT EVERY PERSON IN THE COUNTRY WOULD LIKE TO DO – NO, NOT BITCH SLAP, CHER – IT HAS BANNED YOUNG, AND OLD, IDIOT MEN FROM WEARING BAGGY PANTS SHOWING EXPOSED UNDERWEAR. “THE GANGSTA LOOK.” IT’S A LOOK THAT COULD MAKE A GOAT GAG!

HOW THIS SO-CALLED FASHION PHENOM GOT STARTED CAN ONLY BE BLAMED ON DICK CHENEY OR HOLDING A 5-IRON DURING A LIGHTENING STORM. DO MEN REALLY THINK THAT EXPOSING THEIR UNDERWEAR WHILE THEIR BAGGY PANTS FALL AROUND THEIR ANKLES – IS A GOOD LOOK AND GUARANTEED TO EXCITE WOMEN? WRONG!

THE LOOK STARTED IN CALIFORNIA PRISONS WHEN BLACK INMATES (AIN’T THEY ALL?) REFUSED TO WEAR BELTS AND ALLOWED THEIR PRISON PANTS TO HANG BELOW THEIR KNEES. DOES THIS MEAN THAT DIOR AND RALPH LOREN ARE NO LONGER THE FASHION MAVENS AND MURDERERS AND DOPE PUSHERS ARE NOW SETTING STYLES? I JUST WISH THAT ANY MORON WEARING DROOPY PANTS TRIPPED AND BROKE THEIR NOSTRILS.

ANYWAY, LYNWOOD, DECIDED ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. IT COULDN’T STOMACH ITS KIDS WALKING AROUND LIKE EXTRAS ON “COPS.” THE NEW LAW PREVENTS ANY MALE FROM EXPOSING 3-INCHES OF UNDERWEAR ABOVE THEIR BELTLINE. (I’D HATE TO HAVE THE JOB OF ENFORCING THE ORDINANCE. CAN YOU IMAGINE TAKING OUT A RULER AND MEASURING?) THE FINE IS $25 IF YOU ARE CAUGHT. IF AN OFFENDER HAS THE CHUTZPAH TO SHOW THE CRACK IN HIS ASS BECAUSE OF HIS OVERSIZED PANTS...IT CALLS FOR THE DEATH PENALTY. THE SUPREME COURT WOULD DECLARE IT CONSTITUTIONAL OR MY NAME ISN’T JACK KEVORKIAN.

WHAT A SCHMUCK!

2008-07-15T18:44:00.000-07:00

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO FIND NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THE U.S. LATELY, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN TODAY’S PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE. IT WAS LIKE WATCHING THE GONG SHOW.

GEORGE BUSH PROUDLY ADMITTED THAT ‘HE WASN’T AN ECONOMIST.” DUH! WHY DIDN’T HE ADMIT THAT HE’S A MENTAL RETARD AND THE WORST PRESIDENT IN OUR HISTORY? AS LONG AS HE WAS BEING TRUTHFUL……

HE TRIED TO SOUND OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THE ECONOMY. HE SAID THINGS WEREN’T AS BAD AS PEOPLE THINK. “PLENTY OF PEOPLE ARE WORKING” – ESPECIALLY IF THEY LIVE IN INDIA, CHINA, JAPAN AND OTHER PLACES FAR AWAY. GEORGE, ALSO CLAIMED THAT THE HOUSING CRISES IS A PROBLEM BUT LIVING IN A DUMPSTER AIN’T THAT BAD. HE URGED ONE OF THE WAYS WE CAN SOLVE THE ENERGY PROBLEM WAS FOR PEOPLE NOT TO USE THEIR AIR CONDITIONERS WHEN THEY’RE NOT HOME OR ON VACATION. THE GUY IS SHARP. HE SWORE THAT PEOPLE AREN’T GOING HUNGRY AND ALL THOSE EATING THEIR SHOES FOR DINNER WERE TRYING A NEW DIET.

THE PREZ FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGED THAT GASOLINE AT THE PUMPS WERE KINDA HIGH BUT IF WE BEGIN DRILLING OFF-SHORE IT SHOULD SOLVE THE SHORTAGE OF OIL AND NATURAL GAS BY THE TIME ANGELINA JOLIE’S NEW TWINS ARE ILLEGIBLE FOR SOCIAL SECURITY.

I MUST SAY I FELT SO MUCH BETTER AFTER LISTENING TO BUSH’S COMFORTING WORDS THAT I JOINED THE TALIBAN.

MADONNA IS A CUNT!

2008-07-15T17:38:00.000-07:00

Let’s talk about Alex Rodriguez. “A-Rod” is a great baseball player who makes millions and millions of dollars. He’s young, good-looking and a major celebrity. New Yorkers love this Yankee even thought they boo him at times. New York fans boo all their favorites. It must be the water.

A-Rod has been making lots of headlines – not because of his performance on the diamond – but because of an ugly divorce that he’s involved in. Obviously, young athletes have oodles of young, sexy, groupies throwing themselves at their spikes and I’m sure Alex has had his share of nymphets but what has the Old Geezer shaking his head is that his latest fling is with a late 50’s broad who is an unrepentant publicity hound and poster girl for birth control.

Why has he gotten himself involved with Madonna, whose claim to fame is a fake English accent and having a fibrous uterus? For crying out loud, she’s old and used up and talent-less. Madonna has proven that she will do anything for cheap publicity. Remember her wearing those pointy iron bras? Her sticking her tongue down any woman’s throat that can be caught on camera? I’m not sure she could ever sing. Her most famous attribute, to me, is the space between her front teeth. A homeless family of twelve could live there comfortably.

I’m very disappointed in Alex Rodriguez. Instead of him fooling around with Playboy Bunnies or Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders he decided to use his vital juices on a shrunken bad, elderly singer. Even I wouldn’t waste my bodily fluids on Madonna. It’d be like fucking Bess Truman!

BEWARE OF ANYONE NAMED FRENCHY!

2008-06-25T10:44:00.000-07:00

SHIT, THE OLD GEEZER LOVES GULLIBLE, STUPID PEOPLE BETTER THAN FINDING OUT A FRIEND’S WIFE IS A DEADRINGER FOR BILL PARCELLS.

THERE IS AN INFOMERCIAL PLAYING THAT DEFIES BELIEF. IT’S FROM SOME SCAM ARTISTS THAT WANT YOU TO SEND THEM YOUR OLD, GOLD JEWELRY – AND THEY PROMISE TO SEND YOU MONEY FOR IT. THEY SWEAR ‘CUSTOMER SATISFACTION.’ THEY EVEN SEND YOU A PRE=PAID PACKAGE TO PUT YOUR GOLD IN AND A SEALED ENVELOPE THAT CAN’T BE OPENED UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE A SPARE ATOMIC BOMB. THEY TELL YOU STRAIGHT-FACED THAT YOU CAN TRUST THEM! REALLY?
THE GUYS ON THE INFOMERCIAL ALL WEAR BROWN AND WHITE WING-TIP SHOES AND ARE NAMED ‘FRENCHY.’

IS IT POSSIBLE THAT AMERICANS ARE SO NUMB, AFTER 8-YEARS OF GEORGE BUSH – THAT THEY ACTUALLY WILL SEND STRANGERS THEIR GOLD IN HOPES THAT THEY WILL BE TREATED HONESTLY? SHOULDN’T THEY BE A TAD SUSPICIOUS WHEN THE ADDRESS YOU SEND YOUR VAULABLES TO IS A POST OFFICE BOX IN SITKA, ALASKA?

TO ‘PROVE’ THAT THEY ARE HONEST AS THE DAY IS SHORT THEY HAVE A “SATISFIED” CUSTOMER TALK ON CAMERA. THIS OLD LADY IS LEGALLY BLIND AND HAD HER BACK TO THE CAMERA. “I NEVER KNEW MY JEWELRY WAS WOITH SO MUCH MOOLA.” I DON’T THINK SO…SHE WAS WEARING BROWN AND WHITE SHOES, ALSO.

DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT, I’VE EMPTIED MY SAFE DEPOSIT BOX OUT OF ALL MY BARMITZVAH VALUABLES AND HAVE MAILED THEM TO ‘FRENCHY.’ CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HOW MUCH THEY SEND BACK. IF IT’S WORTH THE PRICE OF A POSTAGE STAMP I’LL CONSIDER MYSELF A WINNER.

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO HAS FALLEN FOR THIS SCAM – TAKE THEM OFF YOUR CHRISTMAS LIST.

DON'T FLY!!!!

2008-06-04T19:04:00.000-07:00

AIRLINES ARE AT THE BREAKING POINT. THEY ARE CLOSING FASTER THAN A HOOKER’S LEGS WHO YOU TRY TO PAY WITH MONOPOLY MONEY.

WITH THE UNBELIEVABLY HIGH PRICE OF FUEL – GOD, BLESS OPEC – MAY THEY ALL INHERIT HOTELS WITH THOUSANDS OF ROOMS AND BE FOUND DEAD IN EACH OF THEM – AIRLINES HAVE BECOME THE LEAST ATTRACTIVE WAY OF TRAVEL. PERSONALLY, I’M BUYING ROLLER SKATES….MINE WILL NEED CURB FEELERS!

THE PERCENTAGE OF LOST BAGGAGE IS NOW HIGHER THAN SOME OF THE JUDGES ON ‘AMERICAN IDOL,’ FLIGHTS ARE CANCELLED WITHOUT WARNING; DEPARTURES AND AARIVALS ARE USUALLY A CHANCY THING; THEY HAVE PACKED PASSENGERS IN SO CLOSELY THAT INSTEAD OF EMERGENCY FLOATS THEY OFFER CONDOMS. THE SEATS ARE SO NARROW THAT PEOPLE ARE SITTING ON EACH OTHER’S LAPS – WHAT USED TO BE CALLED MEALS – BUT IN REALITY WERE VOMIT BAG CONTENTS – HAVE BEEN DISCONTINUED.

NOW THE AIR CARRIERS ARE GOING TO START CHARGING FOR CHECKED BAGGAGE. NOT EXTRA BAGGAGE – JUST THE ONE BAG PASSENGERS WERE ALWAYS ALLOWED TO CHECK FREE. THEY ARE NOW THREATENING TO CHARGE OVERWEIGHT PASSENGERS MONEY PENALTIES FOR THEIR ROLLS OF FAT. WEIGHT WATCHER REJECTS AND JENNY CRAIG DROP-OUTS WILL HAVE TO MORTGAGE THEIR HOMES IN ORDER TO GET ON A FLIGHT. WITH ALL THESE INSULTS AND ABUSES – WHY WOULD ANY SANE PERSON FLY?

THERE IS ONE ANSWER TO THIS GROWING PROBLEM. BRING BACK PROP PLANES. THEY USE LESS FUEL AND WHEN THEY WERE IN SERVICE THE STEWARDESS’ WERE SEXY AND YOUNG. SURE IT WILL TAKE A LITTLE LONGER TO ARRIVE IN CLEVELAND – BUT WHAT THE HELL IS THE HURRY, ANYWAY?

72-VIRGINS AND A BOTTLE OF RUM.

2008-05-29T18:56:00.000-07:00

THE GEEZER HAS BEEN PONDERING – AT MY AGE PONDERING IS ABOUT ALL I CAN STILL DO AND NOT FALL DOWN – ABOUT WHY SOMEONE WOULD STRAP ON EXPLOSIVES AND BLOW THEMSELVES UP ALONG WITH LOTS OF INNOCENT VICTIMS? WHY? THERE’S NOT MUCH OF A FUTURE IN IT. WHY NOT GET A DAY JOB INSTEAD?

IT SEEMS THAT ISLAMIC TERRORISTS GET VOLUNTEERS TO TURN THEMSELVES INTO MEATLOAF BY PROMISING THEM MARTYDOM. “ALLAH REWARDS THEM WITH 72-VIRGINS IN HEAVEN.” THAT MEANS THAT ALLAH IS THE BIGGEST PIMP IN HISTORY. WHERE DOES HE GET ALL THOSE VIRGIN HOs? TO GET DOWN TO THE DIRTY, THESE ‘MARTYRS’ DIE IN ORDER TO GET LAID.

THIS ALSO EXPLAINS WHY THERE ARE NO AMERICAN SUICIDE BOMBERS. WE KNOW THERE AREN’T 72-VIRGINS IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY. THE ONLY VIRGINS I’VE EVER MET LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING YOU’D FIND ON A SEAFOOD PLATE.

IN ORDER TO DO AWAY WITH SUCCESSFUL SUICIDE BOMBINGS IT MIGHT BE A GOOD THING FOR SECURITY FORCES TO LOOK FOR A YOUNG MAN WITH PIMPLES ON HIS FACE AND A HARD-ON.

THIS IS BROUGHT TO YOU AS A PUBLIC SERVICE.

I'LL HAVE MINE WITH SPRINKLES.

2008-05-29T10:22:00.001-07:00

WE HAVE A LOT TO BLAME GEORGE W. BUSH FOR BUT EVEN HE GETS A PASS ON THIS ONE. SINCE 9-11 MANY AMERICANS HAVE BECOME PARANOID ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF ANOTHER TERRORIST ATTACK. NONE HAS HAPPENED SINCE 2001 BUT 9-YEARS ARE A BLINK OF THE EYE FOR CRAZIES. A STUDY WAS MADE THAT PROVES THAT MORE LOONEY-TUNES ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF STORE WINDOWS WEARING POINTED ALUMINUM HATS AND TALKING TO MANNEQUINS. I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST TALKING TO STORE DUMMIES – IN FACT, I DATED ONE WHO WAS IN BLOOMINGDALE’S FRONT WINDOW FOR A FEW YEARS BUT THAT’S FOR ANOTHER TIME.

JOINING THE RANKS OF NUTCASES IS THE DUNKIN’ DONUTS CHAIN. THEIR DONUTS COULD CAUSE A YAK TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK. DUNKIN’ WAS RUNNING A TV COMMERCIAL STARRING RACHAEL RAY – RACHAEL DOES A COOKING SHOW ON CABLE AND HAS ONE OF THE MOST IRRITATING VOICES I’VE EVER HEARD. ON THE SHOW SHE LOOKS LIKE A DWARF ON SPEED. IN THIS DUNKIN’ DONUT COMMERCIAL, RACHAEL WAS WEARING A SCARF WITH A BLACK AND WHITE PATTERN THAT MANY CONSERVATIVE MORONS INSISTED WAS SENDING OUT SIGNALS THAT COULD BE READ BY ISLAMIC TERRORISTS. THEY CLAIMED THAT IT LOOKED LIKE THE SAME THING ARAFAT USED TO WEAR. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YASSAR ALWAYS MADE FASHION STATEMENTS WITH HIS WARDROBE.

ANYWAY, THE DUNKIN’ DONUT BRASS PANICKED WHEN THEY GOT SOME ANGRY MAIL AND PULLED THE RACHAEL RAY COMMERCIAL. THIS FINE AMERICAN COMPANY WASN’T GOING TO HELP THE TERRORTISTS’ PROPAGANDA MACHINE. IF DUNKIN’ WANTED TO REALLY HURT THE ISLAMIC RADICALS THEY WHOULD SEND THEM FREE DONUTS AND WATCH THEM ALL DIE OF CARDIAC ARREST.

LET'S ACT LIKE DUKE WAYNE AGAIN.

2008-05-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

After 8-years of George W. Bush, our countries reputation and standing in the world is lower than a hunchback dwarf. There is only one thing for us to do to salvage what is left of our legacy. We must immediately invade Myanmar. The thugs and hooligans that have ruled that poor country for years – have pissed everyone off in the world with their insensitivity to the plight of its citizens after the devastating typhoon that killed about 100,000 men, women and children. The junta leaders have refused to allow aide, that the world is willing to send in, to relieve the suffering of its people. Typically, the United Nations have acted like eunuchs and instead of threatening to overthrow these gangsters the Security Council has turned its other cheek – something they’re very good at. United Nations’ pronouncements are about as scary as a Quaker hit man.

If President Bush wants to erase the lousy taste he has left in the mouths of Americans with his screw-ups – none bigger than invading Iraq - he should send our military into Myanmar and conquer the Island. Why not? Their military is no match to ours and he can claim that we would be received as friends and liberators. Hey, he still thinks that’s what happened in Iraq. If world opinion turns against us for taking over Myanmar – fuck ‘em. Why invade or declare war on Iran who just might put up a stiff defense against us or shut off their oil spigots – Myanmar’s major industry is poverty and coconuts…we should be able to handle them. Isn’t it time the U.S. did something worthy and good for mankind? I’m sick of reading about and watching horrific pictures of the suffering there. Its time we acted like John Wayne, pilgrims.

BRING ON THE BULLET TRAIN.

2008-05-14T13:06:00.001-07:00

WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS, BESIDES AN HONEST POLITICIAN – ARE BULLET TRAINS. EVERYONE, EVERYBODY, ALL OF US IS SICK AND DISGUSTED ABOUT THE AIRLINE INDUSTRY. THEY SUCK!

THE HORROR STORIES DON’T SEEM TO STOP. BAGGAGE
PROBLEMS, PLANES NEVER DEPARTING OR ARRIVING ON TIME, UNCOMFORTABLE SEATS, LOUSY SERVICE AND ON AND ON. THE LATEST OUTRAGE IS BEYOND THE PALE. IN CHICAGO RENCENTLY TWO PLANDES SOOOO CLOSE TO EACH OTHER, AIR TRAFFIC HAD TO THROW COLD WATER ON THE PLANES. REMEMBER WHEN STEWARDESS' USED TO BE SEXY, YOUNG AND GORGEOUS? NOW THEY HAVE WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE MY OLD AUNT YETTA -- SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D FIND ON A SEA FOOD MENU.

A NEW YORK CITY MAN IS SUING JETBLUE AIRWAYS FOR MORE THAN 2 MILLION BECAUSE HE SAYS…I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. EVEN THE GEEZER’S VIVID IMAGINATION COULD COME UP WITH THIS CRAZINESS. HE’S SUING BECAUSE A PILOT MADE HIM GIVE UP HIS SEAT TO A FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND MADE HIM SIT ON THE TOILET FOR MORE THAN 3-HOURS ON A FLIGHT FROM CALIFORNIA. THIS CUSTOMER CLAIMS THE PILOT INSISTED THAT HE ‘HANG OUT IN THE BATHROOM’ BECAUSE THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT COMPLAINED THAT THE ‘JUMP SEAT’ SHE WAS ASSIGNED WAS UNCOMFORTABLE. IF I’M LYING I’M DYING. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!

INITIALLY THIS POOR SOUL WAS TOLD A FLIGHT ATTENDANT HAD TAKEN THE LAST SEAT ON THE PLANE, BUT WAS THEN ADVISED SHE WOULD SIT IN THE EMPLOYEE ‘JUMP SEAT’ MEANING HE COULD HAVE THE LAST SEAT. WHEN THE OUTRAGED MAN COMPLAINED, HE WAS TOLD, “HE WAS THE PILOT, THAT THIS WAS HIS PLANE, UNDER HIS COMMAND AND THAT THE GUY SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR BEING ON BOARD.” THE AIRCRAFT HIT TURBULENCE AND PASSENGERS WERE DIRECTED TO RETURN TO THEIR SEATS, BUT THE PLAINTIFF HAD NO SEAT TO RETURN TO, SITTING ON A TOILET STOOL WITH NO SEAT BELT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THIS HAPPENING TO ONE OF US? WHAT TIME GUY SHOULD HAVE DONE WAS EAT SOME OF THE SLOP FOOD OFFERED BY THE AIRLINE AND GOTTEN DIARRHEA. THEN THE TOYTOY SEAT WOULD BECOME USUAL. I JUST HOPE HE REFUSED TO LET ANYBODY ELSE INTO THE TOILET DURING THE FLIGHT. FUCK ‘EM!!! AND FUCK JETBLUE!
IF WE HAD BULLET TRAINS TAKING US ACROSS THE COUNTRY IN COMFORT – THE AIRLINES WOULD GO OUT OF BUSINESS – WHICH MOST OF THEM ARE DOING ANYWAY.

WHAT A PUTZ!

2008-04-01T11:39:00.000-07:00

IT’S TIME THE GEEZER PUT A LITTLE CULTURE IN YOUR LIFE. LET’S DISCUSS MICHELANGELO. WHEN I TOLD ONE OF MY DIMWIT FRIENDS HE THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO WRITE ABOUT MIKE ANGELO WHO OWNS A PIZZA PARLOR CLOSE BY. THIS SAME RETARD HEARD ME ASKING FOR MY PASTA DONE AL DENTE AND HE SWORE HE KNEW THE GUY…I EXPLAINED NOT A FELLOW NAMED “AL DENTE”…THAT IT WAS A COOKING PROCESS. MY FRIEND IS SO BAD HE HAS TO HANG A MEAT LOAF AROUND HIS NECK TO GET HIS DOG’S ATTENTION.

BACK TO THE BRILLIANT MICHELANGELO. HE WAS A WORLD FAMOUS RENAISSANCE SCULPTURE, PAINTER, ARCHITECT…AND HOMOSEXUAL. HE LIVED AND WORKED IN THE EARLY 15-HUNDREDS. NOT MANY GAY BARS IN THOSE DAYS BUT HE WAS AHEAD OF HIS TIMES AND HAD A COLLECTION OF JUDY GARLAND RECORDS.

MICELANGELO IS FAMOUS FOR HIS PIETA AND HIS DAVID. I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT HIS SHVANTZ….IT’S AN INCREDIBLE SCULPTURE. BUT “MIKE” AS HE LIKED TO BE CALLED, MOST FAMOUS ART WORK WAS THE SISTINE CHAPEL IN ROME. POPE JULIUS II – (FAMILY NAME OF GOLDBERG) – YES, THERE WERE MANY JEWISH POPE’S…POPE SHECKY, THE FIRST, COMES TO MIND. – JULIE, BECAME MIKE’S PATRON AND ONE DAY COMMISSIONED HIM TO PAINT THE CEILING OF THE SISTINE CHAPEL. MIKE TOOK THE ASSIGNMENT AND TOLD JULIUS, WHO WAS ABOUT TO LEAVE ROME TO START ANOTHER WAR, NOT TO WORRY –LEAVE EVERYTHING IN MIKE’S FILTHY HANDS. I SAY “FILTHY” BECAUSE MICHELANGELO NEVER WASHED. NEVER! HIS FATHER HAD TOLD HIM THAT WASHING IS THE CAUSE OF THE BLACK PLAGUE…AND BRITTLE HAIR.

JULIUS WENT OFF TO WAR AND MIKE BEGAN PAINTING THE SISTINE CHAPEL. IT TOOK HIM SEVERAL YEARS AND HE COULDN’T WAIT TO SHOW OLD JULIE THE SCENES FROM GENESIS ON THE CEILING.
WHEN THE POPE RETURNED WITH HIS TAIL BETWEEN HIS GOWNS HE RUSHED TO THE CHAPEL TO SEE WHAT MIKE HAD DONE. MICHELANGELO EXCITEDLY POINTED TO THE SCENES ON THE CEILING AND SAID…”SO, WHATDYATHINK, JULIE, BABY?” JULIUS WAS STUNNED. THIS IS WHERE THE CULTURE PART COMES IN – AFTER STUDYING EVERY SCRAP OF PARCHMENT OF THE TIMES, THE GEZZER FOUND OUT THAT POPE JULIUS SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER. “SHMUCK, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?” “I PAINTED THE CEILING LIKE YOU WANTED. JUST DIG THE SCENES UP THERE.” “MICHELANGELO YOU ARE A FIRST CLASS PUTZ!” “WHY? YOU TOLD ME TO PAINT THE CEILING.” “YES, BUT I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU’D PAINT IT IN YELLOW – I DIDN’T EVEN CARE IF YOU USED TWO COATS. WHAT POCESSED YOU TO PAINT ALL THOSE NAKED PEOPLE?”

SO, IT’S A LITTLE KNOWN FACT THAT MICHELANGELO’S MOST FAMOUS PAINTING – THE SISTINE CHAPEL -- WAS A MISTAKE. NEXT TIME YOU VISIT IT LOOK UP AND IMAGINE THE CELING IN A NICE YELLOW.

CALLING ALL PINHEADS....

2008-03-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

CERTAIN THINGS ARE OBVIOUS. LIKE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WIN A THREE-LEGGED RACE WITH THE POPE AS YOUR PARTNER. ANOTHER THING THAT CAN’T BE IGNORED IS THAT BILL O’REILLY IS A PUTZ! THIS LOUDMOUTH BULLY, CONSERVATIVE, PROFESSIONAL CATHOLIC – IS BEYOND THE PALE. BESIDES BEING VERY TALL HE HAS HALITOSIS OF THE BRAIN!

IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN UNFORTUNATE TO WATCH HIM ON FOX NEWS YOU KNOW I SPEAK THE TRUTH. HE ACTUALLY BELIEVES THAT HE CAN SAY ANYTHING – USUALLY OUTRAGEOUS AND IGNORANT – AND NO ONE WILL CHALLENGE HIM. O’REILLY IS SO MEAN THAT HE PROBABLY SNEAKS INTO BAKERIES AT NIGHT AND SUCKS THE JELLY OUT OF DONUTS. FOR ALL HIS HOLIER THAN THOU BULLSHIT IT’S GOOD TO REMEMBER THAT HE WAS SUED FOR SEXUAL HARRASSMENT BY A FORMER FEMALE EMPLOYEE AND SETTLED FOR BIG BUCKS OUT OF COURT. IT SEEMS THAT BILL-O LIKES TO TALK DIRTY ON THE PHONE. WONDER IF HE LEARNED IT FROM ELLIOT SPITZER?

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT HIS SHOW IS THAT HE LIKES TO CALL ANYONE WHO DISAGREES, WITH HIS RIGHT WING POSITIONS, AS “PINHEADS.” OBVIOUSLY O’REILLY IS A WORDSMITH AND PROBABLY THINKS HE COINED THE PHRASE. “PINHEAD”? GIVE US A BREAK. FOR ALL THE MILLIONS HE’S PAID YOU’D THINK HE COULD COME UP WITH A CLEVERER INSULT. HOW ABOUT “DOODYHEAD”?

IF YOU HAPPEN TO TURN ON YOUR REMOTE AND HIT FOX NEWS WHILE HE IS ON THE AIR -- I DON’T RECOMMEND IT UNLESS YOU’RE THE TYPE WHO WANTS TO FLY BACK IN TIME AND HIDE IN KING GEORGE’S WIG – YOU WILL NOTICE THAT BILL LIKES TO INVITE YOUNG BLONDE “EXPERTS” ON THE AIR TO CHAT WITH HIM. NO BRUNETTES ALLOWED.

THESE BIMBOS USUALLY HAVE RACKS THAT NEED SCAFFOLDING AND ARE AS BRIGHT AS SQUEEGEES. DOESN’T CALL THEM “PINHEADS”…ALTHOUGH THEY ARE. HE JUST GUSHES AND FLIRTATIOUSLY TALKS AWAY WHILE WACKING IT UNDER HIS DESK.

O’REILLY IS SO TWO-FACED THAT HE CAN BE CLASSIFIED AS A TWIN. THIS SEXUAL PREVERT HAS TROUBLE SPEAKING TWO MEANINGFUL SENTENCES ON “MY FAVORITE TOY.” IF YOU HAVE A STRONG STOMACH TURN HIM ON AND WATCH THE SCENE WITH BLONDIE AND BLONDIE.

POLITICANS ARE ANIMALS!

2008-03-19T12:36:00.000-07:00

HENRY KISSINGER ONCE SAID THAT POWER WAS THE ULTIMATE APHRODISIAC. HE SHOULD KNOW. IT WAS ALSO THE ONLY TRUE THING HE’S EVER SAID. HE MADE LYING ABOUT FOREIGN POLICY, POLITICS AND VIET NAM INTO AN ART FORM.

THE ONLY REASON THE GEEZER IS EVEN ADDRESSING THE SUBJECT IS THAT IT BOGGLES THE MIND THAT POLITICIANS THINK THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING SORDID AND ILLEGAL THAT THEY DO. THE POWER THEY HAVE FROM THEIR OFFICE OBVIOUSLY TURNS THEM INTO RETARDS. FORMER GOVERNOR ELLIOT SPITZER OF NEW YORK IS THE LATEST EXAMPLE OF A POWER BROKER WHO THOUGHT HE COULD GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING. THE PUTZ RUINED A POTENTIALLY BRILLIANT POLITICAL CAREER NOT TO MENTION HIS REPUTATION AND HURTING HIS FAMILY. SPITZER JOINS A LONG LIST OF REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS WHO RECENTLY GOT CAUGHT WITH THEIR HAND IN THE COOKIE JAR OR SOMEONE’S JAR. TOM DELAY WAS CAUGHT IN ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES, BOB LIVINGSTON, OF LOUISIANA, WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE BEFORE HE WAS FORCED TO RESIGN WHEN HE WAS CAUGHT IN FINANCIAL HIJINKS. REP. DUKE CUNNINGHAM ACTED LIKE HE WAS A MEMBER OF THE MAFIA IN PUTTING HIS VOTE UP FOR SALE. THE REPRESENTATIVE FROM FLORIDA WHO HAD TO STEP DOWN FOR HITTING ON MALE PAGES, THE SENATOR FROM LOUISIANA WHO ADMITTED USING THE WASHINGTON MADAM’S SERVICES. AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, THE NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR WHO RESIGNED WHEN HE ADMITTED A HOMOSEXUAL AFFAIR WITH AN AIDE. ARE THESE FOOLS KIDDING?

IN THE OLD DAYS, PRESIDENTS AND POLITICIANS COULD GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING BECAUSE THE PRESS CONSIDERED THEIR INDISCRETIONS NONE OF THE PUBLIC’S BUSINESS.

JOHN KENNEDY WAS KNOWN TO HAVE ALMOST DAILY ORGIES IN THE WHITE HOUSE SWIMMING POOL; FDR CARRIED ON A LONG TIME AFFAIR WITH A WOMAN, LINDON JOHNSON WS KNOWN TO FOOL AROUND WITH AN NBC REPORTER…IT WASN’T UNTIL BILL CLINTON ASSIGNATIONS WERE SO OUTRAGEOUS THAT THE PRESS FINALLY COULDN’T TURN A BLIND COMPUTER TO IT, ANYMORE. SINCE 24-HOUR NEWS COVERAGE THE GAME HAS CHANGED. NOTHING IS OUT OF BOUNDS FOR REPORTERS TO WRITE ABOUT. STILL THESE ELECTED BOZOS DON’T THINK THEY’LL BE FOUND OUT. WRONG!

I PREDICT REPORTERS WILL COME OUT WITH NEW STORIES ABOUT SOME FAMOUS POLITICIANS OF YESTEREYEAR. PRESIDENT MILLARD FILMORE KNEW HIS WIFE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH AN AIDE. SINCE THEY WERE SHARING THE SAME BED HE KEPT ASKING HER WHO THAT MAN NEXT TO THEM WAS? ABE LINCOLN WAS SO CHEAP THAT HE OFTEN TRIED TO PAY RESTAURANT BILLS WITH MATTRESS TAGS. EVEN GEORGE WASHINGTON COULD BE CAUGHT UP IN A SCANDAL. IT’S WELL KNOWN HE USED TO SCREW AROUND WITH A COURVER WHO LOOKED LIKE JAIME FARR. IT’S RUMORED THAT DICK NIXON USED TO FOOL AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF PARSLEY. I COULD GO ON AND ON.

THE POINT IS THAT EVERY POLITICANS, WHO MANY OF US THINK ARE BRIGHT, INTELLIGENT MEN AND WOMEN ARE REALLY SICK, SEXUAL FREAKS. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST – HILLARY CLINTON WILL HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR PLAYING SPOONS IN HER UNDERWEAR.

NONE OF THEM CAN BE TRUSTED. THE COUNTRY WOULD BE BETTER OFF IF WE ELECTED HAND PUPPETS NAMED, MURRAY. I NEVER HEARD OF A HAND PUPPET CHEATING ON THE OTHER HAND.

A FUCKED UP REPORT CARD.

2008-03-03T11:19:00.000-08:00

JUST HOW BAD IS THE COUNTRY AFTER ALMOST EIGHT YEARS UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF GEORGE W. BUSH? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? OKAY, HANG ON TO YOUR LIEDERHOSEN AND READ ON.

THE UNITED STATES IS ALMOST THE MOST HATED AND DESPISED COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. EVEN BEFORE GEORGE W. DECIDED TO ATTACK IRAQ IN 2003 HIS ARROGANT FOREIGN POLICY BEGAN TO CAUSE RIFTS BETWEEN US AND OUR WESTERN ALLIES. AFTER THE UNCALLED FOR INVASION THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS SINGLE-HANDEDLY TURNED ALMOST EVERY ISLAMIC COUNTRY AGAINST US. WE ARE UNDER SEIGE FROM THESE RADICALS AND WILL LIKELY TO REMAIN SO FOR GENERATIONS.

OUR ECONOMY IS TANKING LIKE A CHAMPIONSHIP HEAVYWEIGHT WRESTLING MATCH. GAS IS PROBABLY GOING TO HIT OVER $4 PER GALLON BY THE SUMMER AND BUSH WAS UNAWARE OF THE PROBLEM WHEN IT WAS POINTED OUT TO HIM. HUH? THE OIL COMPANIES ARE REAPING MORE MONEY THAN A BOOK PICKED BY OPRAH FOR HER READING LIST. NAFTA HAS BEEN ANOTHER DISASTER AND U.S. INDUSTRIES ARE LEAVING THE COUNTRY LIKE RATS DESERTING A SHIP. OUTSOURCING HAS RUINED MILLIONS OF AMERICAN FAMILIES OF WORKERS AND THEIR JOBS ARE LOST FOREVER. OUR BORDERS ARE UNSAFE FROM ILLEGALS DOING THE TANGO THRU BORDER STATES. OUR SCHOOL SYSTEM CONTINUES TO STAGNATE DESPITE ‘NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND’ – WHATEVER THAT MEANS. STATES CAN’T PAY FOR SERVICES FOR THEIR CITIZENS AND ACCORDING TO EVER RELIABLE EXPERT OUR ECONOMY FACES THE POSSIBILITY OF A DEPRESSION SOONER THAN LATER.

OUR MILITARY IS OVER-EXTENDED AND IN WORSE SHAPE THAN ANYTIME SINCE WORLD WAR 2. WE CAN’T PROVIDE FOR OUR INJURED SERVICEMEN AND WOMEN BECAUSE WE WERE UNPRAPARED FOR THE OUTCOME OF THE IRAQ FIASCO.

THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION IS ONE OF THE MOST CORRUPT AND SECRETATIVE IN RECENT HISTORY. THE RIGHTS OF CITIZENS ARE BEING TRAMPLED INTO DUST. THE BILL OF RIGHTS HAS NO MEANING ANYMORE. WE KEEP HEARING THE HOMELAND SECURITY IS BEING BEEFED UP AT THE COST OF BILLIONS AND NO ONE FEELS SAFER. DO YOU?

CITIZENS CAN’T AFFORD HEALTH CARE AND BUSH/CHANEY COULDN’T CARE LESS. BUT THEN THEY DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYBODY EXCEPT THE VERY WEALTHY.

AM I BEING TOO HARSH ON GEORGE 43? HE DID LOOK INTO THE EYES OF RUSSIA’S PUTIN AND SAW HIS SOUL – SOMEONE HE COULD TRUST. OY VEY! WAIT. THERE WAS THE TIME HE VISITED EUROPE BUT COULDN’T FIND IT ON THE MAP. HOW ABOUT THE MEETING WITH….NAH, THAT WAS A BOMB. OKAY, HERE’S SOMETHING POSITIVE – HE AND LAURA…NO, THAT DOESN’T COUNT, EITHER.

IN CONCLUSION, GEORGE W. BUSH WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY RANKED WITH PRESIDENTS THE LIKES OF: WARREN HARDING, FRANKLIN PIERCE, JAMES BUCHANIN WILLIAM HENRY HARRISION, ETC.

THE SADDEST THING OF ALL IS THAT HE IS TOTALLY UNAWARE OF THE DAMAGE HE’S DONE AND THE FUCK-UPS HE’S RESPONSIBLE FOR. SWITH ANY LUCK OUR SCHOOL SYSTEM WILL DISAPPEARE AND KIDS WON’T EVER LEARN ABOUT JEBB BUSH’S BROTHER.

THEY'RE FUCKING UP AGAIN!

2008-01-25T12:49:00.000-08:00

The Republican 11th Commandment, “Thou shall not speak ill
of another Republican” was alive and well in the last Republican
debate in Florida. Instead of acting like petulant, angry and stupid hacks they all behaved civilly toward one another. When given the chance to destroy each other during a “ask the others a question” they lobbed soft balls and stuck to the, “we are adults theme”. This ploy was obviously agreed upon by each of the candidates or their advisors before the debate. As a lifelong Democrat I have to take my toupee off to them. It was a refreshing change from the South Carolina debate by the Democrats just days before.

In contrast Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama acted like vicious attack dogs trying to destroy each other with vicious and ill-timed charges and dirty politics. Shame on them both. In the upcoming election that should be a shoo-in for the Democrats, Clinton and Obama turned many people off with their stupid and ignorant behavior. Once again proving that the Democrats never learn and try to do anything to piss of the voters. If it wasn’t so important to see that a Republican doesn’t become the next President I would not vote for either one of them.

Bill Clinton has done almost everything in his power to annoy the electorate and might have caused his wife the election. Instead of Obama sticking to his message of hope and change he got down in the gutter with Hillary and could have lost any hope he had to become the first Black President. People are sick and tired of cheap and dirty partisan politics. I thought George W. Bush had a lock on that stupidity, but apparently not.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that winning at any cost is a losing strategy. All of us want someone in the White House that we can be proud of after the disastrous eight years of the deceitful Bush administration. Unless the Democrats get off negative campaigning and just tell the people the truth they might just hand the Presidency to the religious conservative right wing, again. A pox on them! Instead of a cake-walk the Democrats will be lucky to capture a majority of the voters. A pox on them.

I'M THROWING MY HAT IN THE RING!

2007-12-27T09:27:00.000-08:00

Thousands of readers of my blog have asked the Old Geezer if he has given up writing his insightful comments. Maybe not thousands. Hundreds. Okay, you three loyal readers have wondered why I haven’t been actively writing The Ranting Old Geezer.

It would be easy to claim that I’ve had writers’ block and that the only thing I’ve been able to write in the past months has been two apostrophes and one hyphen – but that would be a lie. The real reason for my low output is I’m so damned bored with what’s been happening politically that I can’t summon the courage and interest to get excited or pissed off at anyone.

Have you ever seen a more hopeless group of politicians vying to become the Presidential candidate of their party? All of them are stumbling around like drunks at an Irish wake. None of them has any consistent message for the electorate. They declare things and take them back the next day because some overpaid media advisor warns that some voter or block of voters might be offended. It’s gotten so ridiculous that Obama was attacked for thinking, while in kindergarten, that one day he’d like to be President. Since when did that become a crime? Most five-year-olds still can’t figure out how to wipe their own asses. At least he had a hope and dream even though the truth is America will never elect a black man President unless that man happens to be Oprah Winfrey.

Senator Clinton’s campaign has gone into cardiac arrest because of inexcusable mistakes made by her or her campaign spokespeople. Her candidacy has always been a little suspect because she’s so damn careful of making or admitting a mistake that people hesitate to trust her. I’m not sure the country is ready for a woman President, either, unless that woman is Senator Larry Craig.

The Republicans are in even worst shape with their group of shallow candidates. Romney looks too perfect – like a model for Ralph Lauren. He makes John Edwards look like an ill groomed hobo.
Mitt also has a habit of lying and exaggerating about everything he says. Besides, who would vote for someone named President Mitt except a little league ballplayer?
The former mayor of NYC looks sneaky and has a smile which is as sincere as a used-car salesman’s. He’s been caught charging expenses to the City government while shtooping his girlfriend – now wife in the Hamptons. The thought of Rudy fucking anyone is enough to disqualify him from office. The newest kid on the Republican block is …Jim Nabors – I mean Mike Huckabee. Another classic name for a Prez. The guy looks like Gomer Pyle and his only political claim to fame is that he believes in Jesus. So did Squeaky Frome, asshole. His stump speech message is that Jesus helped him lose over 100-pounds while he was Governor of Arkansas. Why the fuck didn’t he try Jennie Craig? He proudly claims that the Christian right can trust him because he’s a born-again ordained minister – so is Jimmy Swaggot and Ted Haggett. He also likes to hunt – have you seen him in his outfit? Looks like Elmer Fudd in earmuffs. John McCain is too old and pisses off too many ultra-extreme conservatives to get elected.

Now you may understand why I haven’t taken my quill out to write lately. The only solution if can think of for our next President is Vladimir Putin –at least he can bend down a touch his toes which no one else can do.

COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

2007-11-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

Like many of you the Old Geezer has been glued to my seat watching the Presidential debates. Some joker thought it would be funny to smear crazy glue on my diaper so I’m stuck watching candidates blather and make asses out of themselves. The first thing that becomes evident if you have unfortunately tuned into one of the Democratic or Republican debates is that every presidential hopeful is Bi. It’s time they all came out of the closet. The trouble with most bi-sexual mean and women is that they are afraid to confront their sexual confusion so they hide in the closet rather than admit and face the truth honestly and forthrightly. If that doesn't remind you of the presidential candidates -- than you don't like fried chicken on Sunday.

None of the politicians on stage can tell the truth – the simple, unvarnished truth. In answering questions they begin to dodge, slither and prevaricate hoping not to offend someone. Watching these bozos makes me shake like my tongue was caught in the third rail. Those claiming and acting like liberals – aren’t! They are really closeted conservatives trying to pass. Many of the supposed neo-cons are really closeted liberals hoping to appeal to religious, right-wing zealots. The truth is that every one of the presidential hopefuls is as trustworthy and believable as a two-dollar hooker standing on a street corner in Rangoon. They will say and promise anything to get a customer…or voter. Rather than take a position on an issue and stick to it they begin to bob and weave like a bantam weight boxer. They will do anything not to be pinned down.

One of the biggest problems is that all of these ambitious politicos are being run by media consultants. A media consultant is about as trustworthy as a rug salesman. For the right fee they will work for any bum or bumette. Their real job is to hopefully prevent their candidate from making a mistake. All humans make mistakes – take my wife…. please! As a result, the debates have a stage-filled with politicians talking a lot and not saying anything. Elections now are about the lesser of two evils and not about excitedly supporting someone we believe in and hope will solve the country’s problems.

Wouldn’t it be refreshing if all of these nominees came out of the closet, fired their media and public relations experts and just told us the truth -- what they really believe in and will do if they get into office? I think the crazy glue fumes are getting to me because I’m starting to hallucinate.

A DOLLAR BY ANY OTHER NAME IS A LOONEY.

2007-11-07T15:48:00.000-08:00

A vast majority of U.S. citizens believe that George W. Bush is a stupid, asinine and dangerous President…and those are his supporters. People feel that his administration has caused irreparable damage to the country which will last for generations and generations: The enormous federal deficit which his grown under his leadership and has practically bankrupted our economy; The ugly, unseemly political partisanship which grew like a cancer during his nearly eight years in power; His maniacal power grabbing in trying to form an imperial executive at the determent of the other branches of government and his trampling of the Bill of Rights in his illegal use of wiretapping and eavesdropping of American citizens. Tens of millions are outraged that our government has ignored the Geneva Convention and, for the first time in our history, has engaged in torture of people the White House consider ‘enemies’. Others shake with rage at his appointment of neo-conservative and reactionary Justices to the Supreme Court fearing that their rightwing decisions will damage human and personal rights for years to come. Of course, his biggest unforgivable blunder was not following through on his pledges, after 9-11, to capture, kill and bring to justice the terrorists responsible for those attacks. Instead of committing enough manpower and material to do the job…he and Dick Cheney decided to invade Iraq instead and lie to the people about why they did it. Perhaps because the only logical reason for the attack was that they didn’t like Saddam’s mustache. His moronic invasion has cost nearly 4-thousand American military lives – and counting…and tens of thousands more injured permanently. That insane war is costing billions of needed dollars every month which could be spent at home for better purposes... our to pay off our federal debt. Do Americas really give a crap about trying to impose a democracy on people who never had one and are more interested in murdering each other while eating sheep’s eyes? Bush’s war has also alienated many long term allies and made America the most hated enemy of Muslims all over the world.

I think the above reasons are chump change to get pissed at George “the retard” Bush? Want to really get your blood pressure in orbit?

On my latest trip to Toronto, Canada I eagerly walked into a bank, slapped down 100 American dollars – expecting a Brink’s truck of Canadian money in exchange….lo and behold…I was given, are you ready?, 94 Canadian dollars in return. I sneered at the teller and said, “Hand over the rest of my money, eh?” She sneered right back and told me to kiss her hockey puck. It seems that because of Bush’s brilliant economic strategy the American dollar is now worth less than the Canadian Looney! Funny money named after a facata bird is worth more than our buck.

This hasn’t happened since Millard Fillmore vomited in the oval office and Anne Murray got her first period. Our dough is worthless! For that alone Bush should be impeached and made to listen to his own speeches. The prick!!!!!!

FEMA CAN'T HELP THEMSELVES.

2007-10-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

“Chutzpah” is a Yiddish word that means impudence and brass. As an example I point to George W. Bush swearing to uphold the constitution – and then doing what he’s been doing as President.

FEMA – the Federal Emergency Management Agency became infamous with their total screw-up after Hurricane Katrina. They became the federal poster boy for incompetence and stupidity. Hoping them to come to Americans aide during a disaster would be like buying a “Parenting Book” by Britney Spears.

But surprise of surprises during the recent horrendous fires in Southern California FEMA actually got their act together and did very good work helping those whose homes were destroyed. FEMA took bows and deserved it for their quick action. You’d think an Agency that overcame some of the bad publicity would learn a few things about public relations.

I guess they can’t help themselves…once a fuck-up always a fuck-up. They decided to hold a press conference to explain the differences between the San Diego fires and New Orleans. Great idea to get your message out. One problem, FEMA's press conference didn't invite any reporters to it. It was the first press conference ever with no press. The questions were read by employees of FEMA and the spokesperson had the supposed 'questions' before him and his answers were written out before hand. It turns out the press conference was a total phony – it was a set-up and engineered by FEMA management. When the truth came out there were lots of embarrassed red faces all around.

The simple question is why would they spoil real accomplishments by putting out a fake press conference? Could their idiocy be genetic? The White House and the rest of the executive were caught unaware by this cheap stunt. In one fell-swoop FEMA reverted to once again becoming a laughing stock. Does the words "Way to go Brownie" ring a bell?

GRITS AND BEAR IT.

2007-10-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

Some degenerates will do anything for money. They have no shame or morals. I can think of a few that boggle the mind. Members of the Brittney Spears fan club; the guy who still won’t give up his franchise in Nehru Jackets and the lowest of the low – any theatrical agent.

The reason I am so exercised about people wasting their time doing stupid, inconsequential things is that if they put that energy and effort into something worthwhile like shaving all the mustaches off Italian women - the world would be a better place.

Many readers know my opinion of the south and the retards that live there. If we combined all their I.Q.’s…add them together and divide by 12 it wouldn’t add up to the inseam measurement of a dwarf. Think I’m being too hard on southerners? – read on McDuff. Bossier City, Louisiana just held the first World’s Grits Eating Championship. The town’s only other claim to fame was when it’s Mayor tried to get into the Guinness Book by dancing the Samba non-stop with a porcupine.

Have you ever seen a grit? Tried to talk to one? Grits are dried ground corn that is cooked back into mush or the soupy consistency. It is a Southern staple…eaten for breakfast with butter or even sugar. Sometimes it’s chilled and then fried in slices. A few people have used grits to stucco their homes with. What does it taste like? A very old, soiled and smelly sweat sock. Why anyone would agree to enter a Grits Eating Contest unless it was their ticket out of the death chamber is beyond moi. The real reason is that the town or some inmate at the local “Home for the Silly” – put up a prize of $4,000 to the winner.
Nine contestants entered the contest. A few were wearing jackets whose sleeves tied in the back.

The winner of the Bossier City Grits Eating Contest gagged down 21 pounds of the goop in 10 minutes. His funeral was held the next day. Our government could close down GitMo tomorrow if they threatened the so-called terrorists with a diet of Grits only unless they come clean. They probably would – but I can’t speak for their underwear.

I REFUSE TO LAYOVER.

2007-10-03T19:40:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know the Geezer – no, not biblically, ninny – although Lord knows there are thousands of them……….I get crazy when people don’t see the forest for the trees…put the cart before the horse….throw the baby out with the bath water….is that enough clichés for you?

The Airport Association – a little known and rightly so – trade group just put out a senseless report about passenger’s favorite ‘layover’ airports. They didn’t explain why the passengers they spoke to had to ‘lay over’ at the airports? Was it their choice? I doubt it. They were probably stuck at some cavernous terminal because their goddamn flight was cancelled or screwed up in some manner. No one happily stays at airports on lay-overs unless they happen to have lost their minds. Many of them tripped and hit their heads on a dinner mint and have never been the same.

Can you imagine sitting on a hard airport bench -- angry because you’re forced to layover and answering a survey by some industry hack? I’d rather be forced to look at nudes of Nancy Grace. Nah, maybe a three day layover would be easier to stomach. Here are some of the positive things passengers had to say about various airports.

Singapore’s Chang Airport offers layover passengers bus tours of the city; napping pods; a free movie theater and a swimming pool. However, if you chew gum at the airport they will take you out and beat you with a whip!

In Copenhagen the airport features good restaurants, nice shopping. Also, nap rooms and showers and a tanning booth.

Honolulu: showers – equipped with curling irons, blow-dryers and toiletries. Thankfully, no Don Ho recordings.

Amsterdam’s Schiphol has a small hotel that you can use.

Who cares?

The only thing I want and expect when I book a flight and arrive at the airport is that the flights will be on time arriving and departing. That there are enough service personnel behind the counters to take care of the passengers; that the airport keeps passengers informed about delays and problems. That they stop the annoying announcements about unattended luggage…the damn 9-11 terrorists didn’t leave any luggage laying around, did they?

The Geezer doesn’t care if an airport has a clothing optional miniature golf course…..I expect the airline industry to get its act together and operate efficiently.

STOP SPOILING THE KIDS.

2007-09-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

It’s obvious that the United States is going to hell in a hand basket – whatever the hell that means? However, it’s undeniable that we are getting soft. We’ve become a spoiled society – people want and expect things for nothing. No one seems willing to work hard for an honest – or dishonest – days pay. The only thing that interests them is money. How much can I accumulate? How much can I spend and show off with? “God, I hope I don’t step in dog shit with my $500 pair of Prada sneakers.”

After much study, I have found the reason for all that flaccidness – it all started with the lack of worship of the lava lamp. If that wasn’t bad enough – how many people do you know that have Chia pets in their homes? ‘Nough said?

As an example: The Old Geezer never complained when, as a kid in Brooklyn, I had to walk 5 miles every day barefoot through snow drifts accompanied by my faithful wolfhound, Yetta…to get to Samuel J. Tilden High School -- our little red schoolhouse -- along with eight thousand other frost-bitten schmucks. We didn’t kvetch about our hardship – we just did it. If it was good enough for old Abe Lincoln it was good enough for Yetta’s master. My generation was made up of rugged individualists. We asked nothing from nobody…we took no prisoners. The only “spoiled” we knew about was 2 week old tuna fish.

Be honest – how many kids today walk barefoot anyplace except maybe to the refrigerator? We have created generations of shallow, bitchy, soft boys and girls who haven’t a clue what real life is about. They are given and handed everything they want instead of being asked to work for it. Is it any wonder that youngsters today have jumped into the “ME” generation with both expensively clad tootsies?

Unless fathers, mothers and grandparents mend their ways – society can look forward to more and more Paris Hiltons polluting our country. Let’s end this “nothing is too good for my child” nonsense. There’s plenty too good for the little bastard. Did you know that some parents are now willing to fork over $30,440.00 for pre-school so their 4-year old can occupy a few hours each day playing with blocks and finger painting in an organized setting? That doesn’t include messing around in a sandbox – that’s extra.
The over 30-thou is the price of admission at New York’s Ethical Culture Fieldston School. Other private pre-schools aren’t much better.
Tuitions to these pre-schools have been rising at an 8% clip across the board. That’s more than the annual tuition increase at Ivy League colleges. Have we lost our minds? One of these rip-offs just built a new gymnasium, library and multimedia center for its spoiled tots. Pre-school can cost more than studying for an engineering degree at Michigan. If you think that parents pouring fortunes at these pre-schools is justified and okay – then consider the “little genius” at one of them, who went fishing in the classroom fish tank.

Each year fathers and mothers wait anxiously – their checkbooks at the ready – to pay these exorbitant fees so that their kids who need two-weeks notice to stop peeing on their shoes – can have milk and designer cookies with other brats. Ridiculous! Let ‘em walk five miles barefoot in the snow like honest Abe and I did. I’ll even lend them “Yetta,” for a small donation to the Old Geezer building fund.

NO, YOU CAN'T!!!!!!!

2007-09-27T08:39:00.000-07:00

Being an old cocker, the Geezer takes his homburg and hair off to companies like “ Yes You Can.” Their whole purpose is to encourage senior citizens that they are still alive…that they can live positive and productive lives while the company makes mucho dinero. They air commercials where seniors seem to have fun wheeling around in motorized machines while dribbling out of their mouths and wearing diapers. They promise that seniors are helped with these new contraptions that make old age pleasurable and fun. In my opinion that is all bullshit. Old age sucks!

I want to see companies called, “No You Can’t!” And, “Forget About It!” stand up and be heard. Tell the truth – do you want to spend your so-called ‘golden years’ depending on motorized vehicles to allow to you to pee and shit without doing it in your underwear? Let’s face it – when our bodies begin to shut down or defy human inevitability we should be honest? I don’t want to have to depend on a low-rider with racing stripes to help me get my gruel in the morning. If the most important thing in life is to find out which “early-bird specials” are the best buy that day – take your false teeth out, put them in backwards and bite your own throat. I hope this Blog doesn’t sound bitter – it’s not meant to be. Too much is made of ‘the golden years’ – if they are so great how come all old men and women smell like mice? Don’t believe me? Smell ‘em.

The Geezer tries to tell it like it is. Once you are old enough to collect social security here’s what awaits you, bucko. You start having aches and pains in places you never knew you had before. Your body creeks and moans like an old shack in a wind-storm. Farting is about the only exercise you can do well. More importantly, do not believe all the lies about how great sex is in your senior days. Firstly, if a man can get an erection it usually lasts as long as it takes him to take off his underwear. Be honest, guys, if your lady is horny, rips off her clothes and stands before you naked – does the sight of her body, which often looks like an elephant’s ass, turn you on? Ladies: does a flaccid, wet noodle hanging from your man’s crotch excite you? Can you ever see it? Honesty is the best policy – getting old is the pits. It’s not worth getting a ‘senior discount’ at a movie that you don’t want to see, anyway.

There is only one solution as I see it. Wait! Let me put on my bifocals. Ahhhhhh, that’s better. No, it’s not. Early dementia is the best remedy to old age. That way we can think and act like we are teenagers and at least can look forward to pimples and acne.

Fuck it. Where? Who? How?

NO SPEAKA DA ENGLISH.....

2007-09-26T15:52:00.000-07:00

One of the bedrocks of our Democracy is freedom of speech, religion and not having to watch Fox News. When our forefathers and foremothers decided to break with the redcoats it wasn’t just because most of them disliked doing the gavotte and wearing buckles on their shoes...it was because they wanted to be able to speak their minds without some lousy bum beating their heads in with a mutton chop.

For the life of me I cannot understand the actions of all the Americans who got pissed off and protested when Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – try saying that 3 times fast - was invited to speak at Columbia University while on a trip to the United Nations. What the hell could that Iranian midget say that would upset so many citizens? We’re supposed to encourage free speech not prevent it. Dictators and despots don’t allow people to speak their minds…not the U.S. of A. Why the big hullabaloo?

Could it be that compared to George W. Bush – who always sounds like he’s trying to say, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 3 times fast – the Iranian thug is able to speak clearly and intelligently? Who cares what he says, most of it is a bunch of crap, anyway. I think the protestors have an inferiority complex because our President never learned to speak English and has difficulty putting two sentences together without stammering and putting his audience to sleep. Sadly, Ahmadinejad unlike Bush, can actually talk and not sound like a chipmunk. It’s a sad state of affairs when we feel like we have to silence someone who doesn’t own a necktie or razor.

Maybe we should insist that our politicians running for office be able to prove that they can speak without the rest of us giggling. What a concept. Imagine, smart politicians? Nah, no one would ever run for office.

I FOUND JESUS.

2007-08-28T16:27:00.000-07:00

The old Geezer just discovered the most important thing he will ever know. Have you noticed that every serial killer and despicable human being cops out when arrested by saying they have, “discovered Jesus?” Michael Vick is the latest nogoodnick to have found old J.C. But there’s a long line of crazies including Paris Hilton, who when imprisoned for those 15-minutes opened her pop-up bible and found Jesus. Is that the secret? You have to do things that would make Hitler blush before you meet the guy?

Exactly how do they discover him? Do they rush around and say, “Come out, come out, wherever you are……” and lo and behold he pops his head out and says, “Okay, you discovered me.”
It’s funny that none of these reprobates ever concerned themselves with Jesus or his teachings before getting into legal trouble. They just went around killing, raping, poisoning, killing dogs and other fun things without a thought about their salvation. Do you think that crazy Michael Vick, while being chased by a 900-pound defensive lineman, cried out, “Jesus I’d better discover you before this muthafucker rips my nappy head off?” Nah, what he probably said was, “where the fuck is my blocking back? Sheeeeet!”

Is it possible that smart defensive lawyers have told their evil clients that the claim to have discovered Jesus will sit well with their jury? Will the lunatic, rightwing religious nuts forgive a mother who drowned her babies once they her hear she found Jesus? It’s a cheap ploy used by the worst of the worst to get sympathy. If religious symbols can get you a lighter sentence why doesn’t someone claim to have found Judas? “Listen Judge, I’m tellin’ you I woke up in the middle of the night and there was this dude in a robe and sandals standin’ there. He handed me some silver coins, kissed me on the lips, patted my ass and disappeared.” If that isn’t worth a hung jury nothing is.

Isn’t it time for all of us including the press to ignore these idiotic claims of having found Jesus and therefore forgiving transgressions? It’s too easy a cop out and makes a mockery of religion and religious beliefs. The next criminal that swears it should have the Old Testament and King James Bible shoved up their nunus.

LUCK BE A LADY TONITE....

2007-08-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

Don’t you hate people who kvetch all the time about having no luck? They don’t understand that you can’t go to some discount store and buy a supply of luck. You have it or you don’t. Would you call the guy who, for his birthday, got one of those plastic dipping birds that bobs infinitum lucky?

What about the dude who insisted that his wife get a face lift? He would pay for the whole thing. She did get the face lift and now looks like Jake LaMotta. Think he’s lucky?

It’s healthier if you don’t expect or dream about luck. Let it just ooze to you. The poster boy for luck is a middle aged man who lives in Pennsylvania. His luck isn’t that he lives in Pa…..nobody living in that facacata state should consider themselves lucky. The State’s Man of the Year was convicted of having sexual intimacies with the figures at Madame Tussaud’s.

You know the saying, “Lightening doesn’t strike twice.” Horse pucky. There’s a chap living in a small Pennsylvania town who was struck by lighting 15 years ago. He didn’t seem to have suffered any permanent damage except he needs two weeks notice to stop giggling. Well, believe it or not last week he was hit by lightening again. That’s twice, folks. …in fifteen years. If that ain’t lucky, what is?

After being examined by doctors they declared him uninjured. Seems the only result of the second lightening bolt were two holes burned in his bib coveralls. Others believe that he was seriously injured. Since the accident he has insisted that his wife is having an affair. Since they share the same bed he keeps asking who the man is next to them.

Count your blessings and forget about luck. This gentleman defied the odds and has become odd. I’m going to rip up my four-leaf clovers and start carrying a lightening rod.

DON'T BELIEVE ALL YOU DON'T SEE.

2007-07-29T17:28:00.000-07:00

Like any red blooded American Geezer, I love a good suspenseful mystery. You probably do, too. Because I was brought up on movies, like Sherlock Holmes, TV shows like Twilight Zone and books by any number of great mystery writers of the 40s and 50s. It’s one of the reasons I find it difficult to watch today’s so-called mystery films. The last one I attempted to see dealt with a ‘master criminal’ who was convicted of breaking a Toby mug. Oy vey!

Actually, The Da Vinci Code was a brilliant mystery novel which caused lots of controversy because of its subject matter. Loved the book and hated the movie. The mystery dealt with Leonardo Da Vinci’s “Last Supper” – a 15th-Century mural painting that depicts Jesus telling his apostles that one of them would betray him. The famous fresco is already the focus of mythical speculation after author Dan Brown based his book around the painting, arguing in the novel that Jesus married his follower, Mary Magdelene, and fathered a child by her. Scholars and church officials were outraged by Brown’s book and the suggestion that Jesus married anyone. One Vatican big shot accused Brown of heresy and insisted that Dan show an official wedding invitation from the nuptials...”or keep his friggin’ yap shut!”

This didn’t end the arguments. Now Slavisa Pesci (no relation to Joe) an information technologist and amateur scholar – how does one become an ‘amateur’ scholar? Do they study but just for fun? – Slavisa claims superimposing the “Last Supper” with its mirror-image throws up another picture containing a figure that looks like a Templar knight and another holding a small baby. Wow! “I came across it by accident, from one of the details you can infer that we are not talking about chance but about precise calculation,” Pesci told journalists when he unveiled his theory last week.

In the superimposed version, he says, a figure on Christ’s left appears to be cradling a baby it its arms. But made no suggestion this could be Christ’s child. It occurs to me that maybe the kid’s parent asked John the Baptist to watch the baby while he took a dump. Judas, whose imminent betrayal of Christ is the force breaking the right-hand line of the original fresco, appears in an empty space on the left in the reverse image version. And Pesci also suggests that the superimposed version shows a goblet before Christ and illustrates when Christ blessed bread and wine at a supper with his disciples for the first Eucharist. The original Da Vinci depicts Christ when he predicts that one among them will betray him.

Don’t know about you but I’m confused as hell about anything superimposed. There was only one thing for me to do – as an amateur sleuth – which means I solve crimes whenever I try to return a tic tac – I did my own experiment. I stole the original “Last Supper” fresco, held a make-up mirror up to it and…are you ready?....indeed found some weird goings on. This whole thing is obviously a con job concocted by Pesci who hasn’t been able to get good film roles lately to get some publicity.

The so-called ‘baby’ in someone’s arms turns out to be a seeded rye bread and the figure that looks like a Templar Knight is in reality some bimbo wearing a Hooters t-shirt.

It’s pretty sick for a desperate poor soul to try and spoil the beliefs of others just to get their name in the papers. The next thing someone will claim is that Da Vinci’s Last Supper is a number painting. Sherlock Holmes or Humphrey Bogart would have solved this so-called mystery before you could dip into your popcorn bag.

BAD SANTA

2007-07-28T18:11:00.000-07:00

I LOVE HEARING ABOUT SOME SLIMEBALL WHO HAS DONE SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS TO SHOCK SOCIETY. AT MY AGE GETTING MY ROCKS OFF – IN MY CASE IT’S MORE LIKE PEBBLES OFF – IS NOTHING TO BE SNEEZED AT.

UNTIL THIS LATEST ESCAPED – THE GONIF WHO RAISED TWO MILLION DOLLARS FROM SUCKERS AFTER PROPOSING TO DO A MUSICAL, BASED ON “ROBERT’S RULES OF ORDER,” WAS MY FAVORITE CON JOB. BUT, WAIT:

THE GEEZER HAS JUST HEARD ABOUT A MAN WHO GOES AROUND PLAYING SANTA CLAUS FOR A LIVING AND SCAMMING PEOPLE. CAN YOU IMAGINE AN INTELLIGENT MAN DECIDING TO MAKE HIS LIVELYHOOD PLAYING MR. CLAUS? DID HE WAKE UP ONE MORNING, SHAKE HIS WIFE AND SAY, “HO-HO-HO”? IT SEEMS THIS FORMER SCHMATTE SALESMAN WAS CONVINCED THAT HE WAS THE SPITTING IMAGE OF FATHER CHRISTMAS. HIS BEARD WAS WHITE; HIS CHEEKS WERE ROSY – ALTHOUGH HE WAS ACCUSED OF USING BLUSH AND HIS BELLY SHOOK WHEN HE LAUGHED. KNOWING HE COULDN’T LIVE ON HIS BINGO WINNINGS HE SAID, “VOT DA HELL. I’LL BE THAT BOYCHICK SANTA CLAUS.” THE INTERESTING THING IS HE ISN’T JEWISH.

INSTEAD OF BEING THE NORMAL SANTA WE SEE DURING THE HOLIDAYS WHO RINGS HIS BELL COLLECTING MONEY FOR CHARITY – OR – EMPLOYED BY A STORE TO HAVE CHILDREN TAKE PICTURES WHILE SITTING ON HIS LAP – THIS MOMSER ACTUALLY HANDED OUT A MENU OF WHAT HE WOULD DO FOR DIFFERENT AMOUNTS OF MONEY. IF YOU PAID HIM $5.00 HE WOULD SAY “HO”. IN ORDER TO HEAR HIM SAY, “HO, HO, HO” IT COST $35.00. TO LISTEN TO A TYKE ASK SANTA FOR A SPECIFIC TOY FOR CHRISTMAS, IT’D COST THE PARENTS $50.00. THIS SHTICK DREK WAS THE KIND OF GUY WHO WOULD BREAK INTO A BAKERY AND SUCK THE JELLY OUT OF DONUTS.

I HOPE THE SANTA CLAUS GUILD BARES HIM FROM EVER WORKING AGAIN. I HOPE HE GETS RUN OVER BY BLITZEN AND RUDOLPH. I HOPE THE ELVES BASH HIS HEAD IN WHILE HE’S YODELING. I, AM, PISSED OFF. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

A NAME IS A NAME IS A......

2007-07-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

Names can be very deceiving. For instance, there was a famous Congressman named, U.S. Grant Washington…talk about a patriotic name….it brings up images of a battleship or aircraft carrier – anyway, he was forced to resign his seat when it was discovered that he double-dated with Leon Trotsky.

“Curly” Hamilton played baseball for the Cleveland Indians, in the early 60s, and was as bald as a billiard ball. He used to wear a hairpiece that looked like he ordered it by dialing: 1-800-toupees.

Why this examination of names? There’s a nice little town in Massachusetts called, Braintree and its citizens have always been proud to say they came from Braintree. Somehow, they felt that if they lived there some of the ‘brain’ in the name might rub off. Not so. The Braintree High School scholar of the year claim to fame was that he could sing the words to “RagMop” in either Yiddish or Urdu.

Do you think the town’s elders were embarrassed by him? Hell, no. You want embarrassed? The Braintree fire department recently decided to test their skills at firefighting. Many fire departments, all over the country, practice using their equipment and manpower to keep sharp in case of emergencies. The local fire engine drove to a vacant house, cut holes in the roof and walls, broke window to practice procedures in case of a major home fire. One problem. They had just destroyed the wrong house. They were supposed to be 2 blocks away at a house slated for demolition.

This mistake is perfectly logical to the Geezer. Sitting next to some Dalmatian, farting in your face could make anyone lose their sense of direction. The owners of the newly torn-up house want the city to pay for the damage. No way! It seems the house had been vacant since an electrical fire last year left a scorch mark up one side. The knee-high grass hadn’t been cut in a month. The owners claim they were planning a renovation on the house. The Braintree fire department’s goof made the renovations easier. Most of the work is already done.

WATCH YO MOUTH!

2007-07-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

AS YOU LOYAL READERS KNOW, YOUR BRILLIANT YET HUMBLE CORRESPONDENT IS A WORDSMITH. THE DERIVATION AND USE OF WORDS AND PHRASES MAKES ME TWITCH LIKE SOMEONE CLUTCHING THE THIRD RAIL.

DICTIONARIES, ENCYCLOPEDIAS, AND ALMANACS ARE TURN-ONS. EUPHEMISMS AND THE ORIGINS OF EXPRESSIONS AND FIRST-KNOWN USES ARE MORE ENJOYABLE THAN WATCHING BILL O’REILLY GET HIS CRINOLINE OUT OF SHAPE.

APOSTROPHES, SEMICOLONS, AND DANGLING PARTICIPLES BRING A TEAR TO MY EYE. I, OF COURSE, AM WELL KNOWN FOR MY DANGLING PARTICIPLE – MORE ABOUT THAT ANOTHER TIME.

JUST THE OTHER DAY I HEARD SOMEONE UTTER THE OATH…”JESUS H. CHRIST.” MY BRAIN BEGAN HEATING UP – WHERE DID THAT PHRASE COME FROM? ANY OF YOU WHO WATCH OLD VICTURE MATURE BIBLE FILMS KNOW THAT MEN AND WOMEN WEREN’T REFFERED TO BY ANY LAST NAME – THEY USUALLY WERE KNOWN FOR THEIR HOME TOWN. SAUL OF GAUL; OR EVEN BY THEIR PROFESSIONS: SHEILA THE MAKER OF GRUEL. SO, TO BE CORRECT THIS FELLOW SHOULD OF SHOUTED, “JESUS OF NAZARETH!”...WHILE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HIS NEIGHBOR’S KID. CHRIST WAS A NAME GIVEN TO JESUS BY HIS RELIGIOUS FOLLOWERS – EITHER THAT OR IN THE SCHOOL YARD – I FORGET WHICH. THE POINT IS CHRIST WAS NOT HIS GIVEN OR FAMILY NAME.

THAT GOT ME THINKING: JESUS H. CHRIST. WHERE DID THE “H” COME FROM? HIS FATHER AND MOTHER’S NAMES WERE JOSEPH AND MARY OF NAZARETH. WHAT’S WITH THIS DANGLING – H? WHO ADDED IT TO LITTLE JESUS’ MONICKER?
I IMMEDIATELY TOOK OUT ALL MY BOOKS ON SANSKRIT AND MY AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS. IT TOOK ME MONTHS – BUT GUESS WHAT? THE GEEZER ACTUALLY FOUND THE DERIVATION OF THE “H” IN THAT POPULAR PHRASE. IT SEEMS MARY AND JOSEPH WAS IN A DITHER ABOUT THEIR SON, JESUS. HE REFUSED TO HELP IN THE FAMILY BUSINESS…ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS WALK AROUND IN A SACK CLOTH, SMELLY SANDALS AND BOAST THAT HE WAS THE SON OF GOD. “YEAH, RIGHT,” SAID OTHERS, “AND WE’RE PRESIDENT OF THE FRANKIE AVALON FAN CLUB.” HIS MOM AND DAD ALSO CRIED BECAUSE HE LIKED TO HANG FROM WOODEN CROSSES WHICH THEY FELT WOULD BRING HIM NO LUCK.

THE “H” MY DEAR READERS IS THE FIRST INITIAL FOR JESUS’ MIDDLE NAME, HERBIE. YES, THE LEADER OF THE CHRISTIAN WORLD’S MIDDLE NAME IS HERBIE. HOW ABOUT THAT? THAT’S WHAT A LITTLE EDUCATION AND A BRICK UPSIDE THE HEAD CAN BRING YOU IF YOU ARE AT ALL CURIOUS. ONCE AGAIN THE OLD GEEZER PROVES THAT HIS BLOG IS THE NUTS.

KISS YOUR GRITS!

2007-07-05T18:15:00.000-07:00

I HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF MANY SORDID, ILLEGAL ACTIONS BY JEALOUS LOWLIFES. THE ONE THAT HURTS THE MOST IS THE LIE THAT I WAS CHARGED WITH THE CRIME OF SODOMY…WHEN I WAS ALONE. FAMOUS GEEZERS ACCEPT THESE PREVARICATIONS…ITS PART OF CELEBRITY. TAKE POOR PARIS HILTON….PLEASE!!!!!!

I HAVE A RECORD OF BEING ROUGH ON THE SOUTH AND SOUTHERNERS. I DIDN’T WAKE UP ONE MORNING AND DECIDE THAT IT WAS MY LOT IN LIFE TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT MANY OF THE RETARDS LIVING SOUTH OF THE MASON/DIXON LINE. RETARDS IN THE SOUTH ARE AN OXYMORON.

I WAS VERY EXCITED RECENTLY TO HEAR THAT ONCE AGAIN I MISSED THE ANNUAL “REDNECK GAMES” THAT IS HELD IN EAST DUBLIN, GEORGIA. IF YOU HAVEN’T ATTENDED ONE OF THESE CHIC DOOS – CONTESTANTS AFTER YEARS OF SLAVING AWAY, DRINKING BEER TO BUILD THAT PERFECT BODY HAVE PAID OFF. A BIG BEER BELLY IS AN ASSET IN THE REDNECK GAMES…IT GIVES YOU AN EDGE IN THE MUD PIT BELLY FLOP CONTEST. (A WORD OF WARNING – IF YOU EAT THE FRIED ALLIGATOR ON A STICK THAT’S SERVED AT THE FESTIVAL, WAIT HALF AND HOUR BEFORE ENTERING THE CONTEST. IT COULD GET UGLY.) LET’S RECAP: THE REDNECK GAMES HONORS FAT, RENECKS WHO THINK ALLIGATOR ON A STICK IS A GOURMET TREAT.

THE GAMES KICK OFF WITH THE CEREMONIAL LIGHTING OF THE BBQ GRILL BY A PROPANE TORCH PARTIALLY OUT OF BUDWEISER CANS AND PROUDLY HELD BY ‘MISS BEER BELLY’ OF THE YEAR. THE REST OF THE DAY IS DEVOTED TO GRUELING COMPETITION – INCLUDING BOBBING FOR PIG’S FEET; DUMPTSER DIVING, ARMPIT FARTING (A RECENT WINNER PLAYED THE ENTIRE THEME SONG OF “GREEN ACRES.”) AMERICAN IDOL LOOK OUT! A BIG HAIR CONTEST AND THE YEARLY TOBACCO VOMITING CONTEST. TALK ABOUT FUN?

WINNERS OF THE VARIOUS COMPETITIONS WALK AWAY WITH BRAGGING RIGHTS AND A TROPHY OF A CRUSHED (BUT SADLY) BUD LIGHT CAN.

BEFORE YOU START KICKING YOURSELF IN YOUR COVERALLS – HERE’S WHAT YOU MISSED IN THIS YEAR’S REDNECK GAMES: REDNECK HORSEHOES (HOPEFULLY WITH THE HORSE STILL WEARING THEM); HUBCAP HURL; MUD PIT BELLY FLOP; ARMPIT SERENADE, BUTT CRACK CEMPETITION….AND ON AND ON.

FRIENDS, ANY OF YOU WHO THOUGHT ME TOO ROUGH ON THE SOUTH OWE ME BIG TIME. KISS MY GRITS!

READ YOUR BIBLE.

2007-06-25T09:25:00.000-07:00

This is perhaps the strangest Blog in Geezerdom history. I, am, not a very religious person. I don’t say this with any sense of pride. I just got turned off when someone got me a pop-up Bible on my sixth birthday. I was hoping for a blow-up, rubber lady named Christine.

Knowing all about the thousands of ‘begats’ contained in the old and new Testaments I guess I was hoping to do a little begetting with Christine. It seems that religion has been the cause of more wars, killings, enslavements and persecutions throughout history than anything else…with the exception, possibly, of marriage.

The thing that gets me is that each religion insists that it is the only true religion and that anything else is as phony as the judging on American Idol. Not only is it the only real religion but they’ll kill you to prove it. All of us are disgusted and strangely amused by the Televangelists that harangue viewers insisting that you send in money to these con men and women. Any amount will do – a social security check, your life savings, and the money that is needed to pay the medication needed for your favorite guppy. Most of these right wing religious zealots have more money than most countries but still want yours. “Send in a small contribution to help pay for my private jet and I will send you an authentic, one of a kind, gold filling from Jesus’ mouth. His dentist has authenticated it. Hallelujah!”

Once in awhile the newspapers report on a strange event involving a religion or the bible that makes me laugh. Recently a dude in Chattanooga, Tenn. – not a hotbed of liberalism – flipped out and took the bible’s scripture to heart. The good book does mention fire and brimstone a lot but nothing about motel rooms. Richard McCoy, 37, decided that he was either very cold or he heard a ‘voice’ which told him that the Best Western Heritage Inn were cheap bastards and that if he wanted more heat in his room – to do something about it. So, he started several small fires, in the room, using pages from those bibles that motels insist on shoving in night table drawers as kindling. Why the hell don’t they shove a list of the best adult massage parlors instead?

Old Richard was arrested for aggravated arson and vandalism. He was judged mentally competent to stand trial is being held in the county jail. When asked why he set the fires, he told investigators that he was watching some religious show and since he didn’t have any money to send in for an ‘authentic loafer worn by Jesus during the Last Supper’ he got depressed and cold.

As a defrocked Druid I feel for this poor guy. Instead of sending him bail money I sent him a set of long johns. Hallelujah!

STUFF & NONSENSE!!!!

2007-06-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES IN WASHINGTON WERE ALL IN A TISSY WITH THE SEEMING DISCOVERY OF A LETTER FROM ABRAHAM LINCOLN EXHORTING HIS GENERALS TO PURSUE ROBERT E. LEE’S ARMY AFTER THE BATTLE OF GETTYSBURG, UNDERSCORING ONE OF THE GREAT MISSED OPPORTUNITIES FOR AN EARLY END OF THE CIVIL WAR.

PERSONALLY, I’M ALWAYS SUSPICIOUS OF ‘NEWLY
DISCOVERED” FINDS. ARCHAEOLOGISTS ARE ALWAYS CLAIMING TO UNEARTH LOST CIVILIZATIONS, CITIES, TOMBS AND OBJECTS. FIRST, WHY WOULD SOME MAN OR WOMAN DEVOTE THEIR LIFE AND PROFESSIONAL REPUTATION SWEARING THAT THEY FOUND SOME PRECIOUS ITEM DATING MILLIONS OF YEARS? MY SKEPTICISM STARTED WHEN EGYPTIAN PROFESSOR OMAR GOLDFARB PROUDLY PROCLAIMED THAT HE FOUND THE TWO MILLION YEAR OLD CRYPT OF KING TUT’S YOUNGER BROTHER, HERB. WHEN HE OPENED THE COFFIN HE FOUND GOLD, DIAMONDS, THE MUMIFIED REMAINS AND A DVD SET OF “SEX & THE CITY.” I, OF COURSE, QUESTIONED THE AUTHENICITY OF THE EXCAVATION.

NATURALLY WHEN I HEARD AN ARCHIVES CIVIL WAR SPECIALIST DISCOVERED THE JULY 7, 1863, NOTE IN A BATCH OF MILITARY PAPERS STORED AMONG THE BILLIONS OF PAGES OF HISTORICAL DOCUMENTS AT THE MAMMOTH BUILDING ON PENNSYLANIA AVENUE…I SAID STUFF AND NONSENCE! HOW COME THIS ‘SPECIALIST” SUDDENLY HAPPENED TO PICK OUT ABE’S ‘NOTE’ FROM AMONG ALL THE OTHER PAPERS? DID HE WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND YELL, “SUMNABITCH – IT’S IN BATCH TWO THOUSAND AND NINE?” OR, WHEN HE WAS SEARCHING DID HE HEAR A VOICE SAYING, “YOU’RE GETTING CLOSER.”

THE TRUTH IS I DOUBT THAT HONEST ABE WROTE THE NOTE. IT’S A PHONY. AFTER SIGNING HIS NAME THERE WAS A P.S. – “FREE PARIS HILTON.”

A NERVOUS DOG.

2007-06-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

THE PARIS HILTON COURTROOM COMEDY SKETCH IS LIVING PROOF THAT THE JUSTICE SYSTEM IS GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHAT THAT SAYING MEANT. IT’S LIKE “HAPPY AS A CLAM.” HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A HAPPY CLAM? HOW CAN YOU TELL? DOES IT GIGGLE WHEN YOU DIP IT IN COCKTAIL SAUCE?

CHELSEA, VERMONT HAS NOW JOINED THE RANKS OF TOWNS WITH RETARDED LAWS AND JUSTICE SYSTEM. JUST A DAY BEFORE THEY WERE GOING TO PUT A WOMAN ON TRIAL THE STATE’S ATTORNEY DECIDED TO DROP THE CHARGES AGAINST HER. BEFORE YOU GET UPSET ABOUT CODDLING CRIMINALS AND PROTECTING THE RIGHTS OF VICTIMS – TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

JAYNA HUTCHINSON WAS ARRESTED BY THE VERMONT STATE POLICE FOR…YOU’RE GOING TO SAY THE OLD GEEZER MADE THIS UP…..”STARING AND MAKING FACES AT A POLICE DOG.” NUTS, HUH? HERE’S HOW IT HAPPENED. POLICE WERE CALLED TO A MARKET TO INVESTIGATE A REPORTED BRAWL. THEY WERE APPROACHED BY HUTCHINSON, WHO TOLD ONE OFFICER SHE HAD BEEN ASSAULTED THE DAY BEFORE BY ONE OF THE MEN INVOLVED. SHE ASKED VERMONT STATE POLICE SGT. TODD PROTZMAN TO TAKE HER STATEMENT BUT HE REFUSED, TELLING HER SHE SMELLED LIKE ALCOHOL AND WAS DRUNK BUT THAT HE WOULD TAKE HER STATEMENT ANOTHER TIME. SURE. TYPICAL COP MOVE…WAS PROBABLY IN A HURRY TO GET TO A DONUT SHOP.

AFTER A HEATED EXCHANGE, SHE APPROACHED PROTZMAN’S CRUISER, WHERE HIS DOG MAX WAS WAITING, PUTTING HER FACE WITHIN INCHES OF THE WINDOW AND “STARING AT HIM IN A TAUNTING/HARASSING MANNER.
“WHEN THE DEFENDANT TAUNTED MY CANINE, MAX WAS FOCUSED ON THE DEFENDANT AND THE PERCEIVED THREAT SHE PRESNTED TO HIM”, PROTZMAN CLAIMED. “HE WAS NO LONGER FOCUSED ON ME AND THE OTHER OFFICERS AT THE SCENE.
SO THAT’S WHAT THIS CASE WAS ALL ABOUT. THE COP WAS JEALOUS OF THE WOMAN BECAUSE THE DOG WAS INTERESTED IN HER. THIS VERMONT GESTAPO OFFICER BETTER GET A LIFE. FIRST, THE CANINE IS NOT “HIS”. IT BELONGS TO THE PEOPLE OF VERMONT. “PROSECUTING A WOMAN FOR STARING AT A POLICE DOG IS ABSURD,” SAID HER LAWYER. “PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE FACES AT POLICE DOGS AND OFFICERS TO EXPRESS THEIR DISAPPROVAL. IT’S CONSTITUTIONAL EXPRESSION.” DAMN RIGHT! I, AM, SO UPSET BY THIS THAT I MAY TAKE A TRIP TO VERMONT AND STICK MY TONGUE OUT AT EVERY DOG I SEE. IF SHE CHANGED THE DOG’S BEHAVIOR LET THE MUTT GO AND VISIT TONY SOPRANO’S SHRINK. HE DOESN’T NEED HER ANYMORE.

N OW THAT'S A WIFE.

2007-06-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

REMEMBER THAT OLD SAYING, “I WOULDN’T TOUCH THAT (HIM, HER, IT) WITH A TEN FOOT POLE…EVEN IF THE 10-FOOT POLE WAS NAMED STASH?

POLAND AND POLES HAVE BEEN THE SUBJECT OF RIDICULE AND JOKES FOR YEARS. PERHAPS THESE INSULTS WERE UNCALLED FOR BUT WE NEED SOMEONE TO PUT DOWN. IT’S THE AMERICAN WAY.

ANY GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO BELIEVES THAT KIELBASA IS A GOURMET FOOD AND THAT PIROGIES CAN CURE THE HEARTBREAK OF PSORIASIS IS EASY TARGETS. REMEMBER, THE POLISH NATIONAL SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA CONSISTS OF 120 ACCORDIANS. NO WIND, BRASS, STRING OR RHYTHM INSTRUMENTS – JUST ACCORDIANS. GUESS “LADY OF SPAIN” MUST BE THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

JUST IN CASE YOU THINK THAT THE POLES ONLY GET BAD PRESS THINK AGAIN. A CASE IN POINT: JAN GRZEBSKI IS A 65-YEAR OLD RAILWAY WORKER WHO WAS HIT BY A TRAIN 19-YEARS AGO. PERHAPS HE WASN’T LOOKING OR DECIDED TO PLAY CHICKEN WITH THE LOCOMOTIVE. IT WON. HE FELL INTO A COMA FOLLOWING THE ACCIDENT AND DOCTORS GAVE HIM ONLY TWO OR THREE YEARS TO LIVE. I GUESS COMMUNIST DOCTORS THINK BEING HIT BY A TRAIN IS ABOUT AS SERIOUS AS A HANG NAIL.

WHEELCHAIR-BOUND GRZEBSKI CREDITS HIS WIFE GERTRUDE FOR HIS RECOVERY. FOR 19-YEARS GERTRUDE DID THE JOB OF AN EXPERIENCED INTENSIVE CARE TEAM, CHANGING HER COMATOSE HUSBAND’S POSITION EVERY HOUR TO PREVENT BED-SORE INFECTIONS. A WIFELY THING TO DO. SHE ALSO BELCHED BORSCHT AT HIM EVERY NIGHT BEFORE SNUGGLING UP WITH THEIR PET PIG. WHEN JAN MIRACULOUSLY AWOKE HE TOLD EVERYONE HE FELT LIKE A 46-YEAR OLD BOYCHICK. HE ALSO FOUND HIMSELF IN A NEW POLAND. NO LONGER HAD A COMMUNIST COUNTRY AND THAT STORES MORE THAN TEA AND VINEGAR ON THEIR SHELVES. MAYBE DRINKING THE TEA AND VINEGAR CAUSED HIS COMA AND NOT THE TRAIN. HE ALSO AWOKE TO FIND THAT HIS 4-CHILDREN HAD ALL MARRIED AND PRODUCED 11 GRANDKIDS DURING HIS 19-YEARS IN HOSPITAL.

QUESTION: DO YOU THINK YOUR LITTLE WOMAN WOULD BE AS DEDICATED AS OLD GERTRUDE? BE HONEST. NAH!

YUMMMMM. A DOG.

2007-06-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

AREN’T YOU SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE WHO HEMANDHAW ABOUT THINGS? WHERE ARE THE BALSY FOLKS WHO SPEAK THEIR MINDS? I DON’T EVEN CARE IF THEY SPEAK SOMEONE ELSES MIND. IF SOMETHING BOTHERS YOU DON’T LET IT GIVE YOU AN ULCER – YELL, SCREAM OR PUNCH A PILLOW. IF YOU DON’T OWN A PILLOW, PUNCH THE PERSON WHO’S CAUSING YOU THE PROBLEM.

I, AM, ADDING A PROTESTOR, LIVING IN LONDON, TO MY TOP TEN LISTS OF HEROES. THIS FELLOW GOT PISSED OFF AT THE ROYAL FAMILY AND INSTEAD OF MUMBLING ABOUT IT – HE TOOK ACTION. NOW THERE’S A LOT ABOUT THE ROYAL FAMILY THAT CAN ANNOY ANYONE. THE WAY THEY LOOK; THEIR MONEY; THE QUEEN’S FASHIONS OR LACK OF SAME AND, OF COURSE, THEIR ABILITY TO NOT DO ANYTHING.

WHEN THIS GUY READ THAT THE QUEEN’S HUSBAND, IN A FIT OF PIQUE, BEAT A FOX TO DEATH HE FELT SOMETHING DRASTIC WAS IN ORDER. NOW, PHILIP IS A CARD CARRYING PUTZ BUT EVEN HE CAN’T GO AROUND BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF SOME DEFENSELESS ANIMAL. WAIT, MAYBE HE WAS GOING TO GIVE HIS WIFE THE FOX/ROAD KILL TO WEAR AROUND HER TURKEY NECK.

BEFORE YOU START THINKING THAT THIS BRITISH MAN WAS SOME KIND OF TREE-HUGGER OF BLEEDING LIBERAL…YOU ARE WRONG. HE DIDN’T TRY TO BREAK INTO BUCKINGHAM PALACE AND ASSAULT THE QUEEN EVEN THOUGH GOD KNOWS SHE NEEDS SOME ASSAULTING….HE CHOSE TO SHOW HIS PROTEST TO THE SENSELESS KILLING BY STRIKING BACK AT THE ROYALS FAVORITE THING.

HE CALLED THE PRESS TOGETHER AND IN FRONT OF ALL OF THEM ATE THE QUEENS FAVORITE KIND OF DOG. A CORGI. THESE FUNNY LOOKING DOGS ARE AS UGLY AS CAMILLA PARKER AND YOU JUST KNOW THAT THEY SHIT ALL OVER THE PALACE. YES, HE TUCKED A NAPKIN UNDER HIS CHIN AND MUNCHED AWAY.
NOW, SOME MIGHT SAY THAT HE WENT TOO FAR BUT NOT MOI. WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE FOX IS GOOD FOR A FLEABAG OF A DOG.

THIS BRAVE SOUL DIDN’T EVEN PUT KETCHUP ON HIS MEAL. HE ATE IT AU’NATURAL. I’M SENDING HIM A CONGRATULATORY TELEGRAM AND A CASE OF DIARRHEA MEDICATION. I TIP MY BOWLER TO THIS GENTLEMAN.

A BANK AFTER MY OWN HEART.

2007-06-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

PUT ON YOUR DANCING SHOES – WE’RE GONNA TAKE A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE.

ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER WHEN BANKS WERE PEOPLE FRIENDLY INSTITUTIONS? THEY USED TO GIVE OUT GIFTS IF YOU OPENED A CHECKING OR SAVINGS ACCOUNT. ELECTRIC BLANKETS, TOASTERS – IF THEY RAN OUT OF ELECTRIC BLANKETS THEY ASKED YOU TO HOLD THE HOT TOASTER TO YOUR CHEST; DISHES AND POTS AND PANS. THAT WAS FOR JUST HAVING AN ACCOUNT WITH THEM. NOW YOU HAVE TO SHOW A PASSPORT TO JUST GET A WITHDRAWL OR DEPOSIT SLIP.

THE GEEZER IS HAPPY TO REPORT THAT THERE ARE SOME BANKS THAT ARE STILL USER FRIENDLY PLACES. IN CAP d’ AGDE, FRANCE THEY WELCOME YOU IN AN UNUSUAL WAY. CAP d’ AGDE IS A SEASIDE TOWN IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE WHICH CATERES TO NUDISTS. EVERYBODY WALKS OR RUNS AROUND IN THEIR BIRTHDAY SUITS. EVEN THE BANKS IN THAT COMMUNITY ARE NUDIST. I KID YOU NOT. ALL EMPLOYEES AND CUSTOMERS ARE NAKED. TALK ABOUT FRIENDLY!!!! IF YOU OPEN AN ACCOUNT IN ONE OF THE BANKS THERE THEY DON’T GIVE YOU HOUSEHOLD GOODS THEY OFFER A TUBE OF SUN SCREEN. EVERYDAY COMMON PHRASES HAVE NEW MEANING IN THIS TYPE OF BANK. IF YOU WALK UP TO A SEXY NUDE TELLER AND SAY YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE A DEPOST AND WITHDRAWAL SHE MIGHT BLUSH.

I, AM, CONSIDERING MOVING ALL MY CASH TO CAP d’ AGDE. IS THERE ANYTHING MORE FRIENDLY THAN A NUDE LOAN OFFICER? OF COURSE, IF ONE OF THE TELLERS LOOKS LIKE EDNA WEINSTEIN, AN EMPLOYEE OF MY PALM SPRINGS BANK – I MAY HAVE TO RECONSIDER. EDNA WOULDN’T LOOK TOO APPETIZING WITHOUT CLOTHES ON. HELL, SHE BARELY IS ACCEPTABLE IN HER MUMU AND MUSTACHE.

GET OFF GEORGE'S BACK.

2007-05-31T17:38:00.000-07:00

I, AM, SICK AND TIRED OF THE KVETCHING LEFTY/PINKOS/LIBERAL CRITICS HAVE OF OUR POPULAR PRESIDENT, GEORGE W. BUSH. GET OFF HIS BACK AND STOP BEING SO PICKY, PICKY, PICKY!

MAYBE HE SOUNDS LIKE A RETARD WHEN HE SPEAKS. ELMER FUDD WASN’T A GREAT SPEAKER EITHER. SOME COMPLAIN THAT BUSH IS STUBBORN AND REFUSES TO LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T AGREE WITH HIS POSITIONS. BIG DEAL. LET’S NOT FORGET THAT HE WAS ALMOST ELECTED PRESIDENT IN 2000 AND SHOULD BE GIVEN THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT WHEN HE FUCKS UP. OF COURSE, SINCE HE FUCKS UP CONSTANTLY IT WILL TRY ALL OUR PATIENCE.

LET’S REMEMBER A FEW THINGS. HE WAS BORN IN NEW ENGLAND, WENT TO RICH PREP SCHOOLS, BARELY GRADUATED FROM YALE AND DESPITE ALL THAT YUPPIE BACKGROUND DECIDED TO SOUND LIKE GABBY HAYES. GEORGE W’S WESTERN ACCENT IS AS PHONY AS MADONNA’S ENGLISH ACCENT. BUT, HEY, NO ONE IS POIFECT, RIGHT?

AFTER ADMITTING TO HAVING A DRINKING AND DRUG PROBLEM HE FOUND JESUS, BECAME A BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN, MADE MILLIONS IN TEXAS HANGING ON HIS FATHER’S COAT-TAILS AND DECIDED TO BECOME A POLITICIAN. WHEN YOU CAN’T SUCCEED AT ANYTHING ELSE POLITICS IS A CAREER OF LAST RESORT.

MANY OF HIS IRRITABLE FOES CLAIMS THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE’S SAYING AND THAT WE CAN’T BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF HIS MUSH. “MISSION ACCOMPLISED.” OKAY, OKAY, MAYBE HE WAS OVERSTATING THE CASE BUT, REMEMBER, HE SWORE THAT SADDAM HAD WMDs; THAT DICK CHENEY HAD A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR AND WAS A GOOD SHOT; THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY LEGAL WHEN HE WANTED TO SPY ON AMERICANS; THAT THE DEMOCRATS WERE SUBVERSIVE ENEMIES AND THAT HE NEVER MADE A MISTAKE.

DESPITE A FEW SCREW-UPS – WHICH IS NORMAL FOR A GUY WHO THOUGHT TOM DELAY WAS AN HONEST, GREAT AMERICAN – LET’S NOT FORGET THAT GEORGE BUSH, SOON AFTER “HANGING CHAD” TO THE PRESIDENCY TOLD ALL OF US THAT, “I’VE LOOKED INTO PUTIN’S EYES AND SAW A FRIEND”……THE SAME PUTIN THAT IS STARTING TO MAKE STALIN LOOK LIKE A FAGGOT. WHO HAS BROUGHT BACK THE COLD WAR QUICKER THAN ROSIE O’DONNELL HAS TO SHAVE HER BACK.BUT PERHAPS THE WORST MISSTATEMENT HE EVER MADE WAS WHEN HE SWORE TO UPHOLD AND DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION.I HEAR HE WIPED HIS FINGERPRINTS OFF THE BIBLE HE SWORE ON.

HISTORIANS WILL HAVE TO JUDGE GEORGE W. BUSH’S PRESIDENCY. I PREDICT IT WILL RANK UP THERE WITH WILLARD FILMORE’S.

WASHINGTON AIN'T FUNNY!

2007-04-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

For anyone fortunate enough not to watch this year’s Washington Correspondences Dinner bless your lucky stars. Each year Washington insiders and reporters dress up in tuxes and gowns – in Barney Frank’s case it’s usually a gown – and mingle, have a lousy dinner and listen to the President being roasted by a comedy personality. The President then usually stands up and screws up a few jokes written for him and everyone goes home full of gas and thankful that the evening is over.

Most Presidents are not known for their humor. (They’re also not known for their smart policies but that’s a different tune.) Dick Nixon liked to charm people with his collection of ‘knock-knock-jokes’, and George W. Bush is well known for his dialect stories – which is why no one understands a fucking word he says. There are exceptions; of course, Bill Clinton did some funny things with a cigar.

Last year Richard Colbert was invited to ‘roast’ the Prez and apparently did too good a job and was criticized for being ‘too rough’ on George W. So, this year they decided to invite someone who wouldn’t offend anyone. A ‘comedian’ that was as bland as Laura Bush. Enter: Rich Little. Who? Rich Little. Most Americans don’t remember him. He used to perform on the Ed Sullivan show playing second fiddle to Topo Gigio and other biggies. Mr. Little does impersonations – a legitimate talent – for anyone over 98-years old. Impersonators are about as popular today as Bulgarian accordion players.

Rich Little showed up in a nice rented tux and his hair dyed with auburn hair polish. His hair looked as phony as Sam Donaldson’s. When introduced, he started telling jokes that went over like an Ann Coulter fart. There was total silence as poor Rich bravely forged ahead with his collection from Captain Willy’s Whiz Bang joke book. The poor, brave guy died a horrible death. There hasn’t been a bomb like this since Alberto Gonzales’ appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee. This could be the end of this yearly out-of-fashion dinner. It doesn’t work.

But, should they decide to try again, I nominate a comedian who is equally inoffensive and bland but at least is funny. Norm Crosby will do his malapropisms and Bush will be the only one in the room who understands him.

LET THEM EARN THEIR MONEY!

2007-04-16T11:45:00.000-07:00

LET ‘EM EARN THEIR MONEY!

FACTS:

Every U.S. Congressperson earns $165.200 a year. Each Senator is paid $168.500 per year. (Their leaders earn even more.) These politicians, also, gave themselves a 10% raise for the past 9-years. Unless there is a national emergency or crises, members of the House work, on average, 3 days a week. The other days are used for raising reelection contributions and enjoying special interest perks. Speaker Pelosi promised that the new congress would work five-day weeks under her leadership. That promise lasted as long as the popularity of the lava lamp. On average, Senators work, maybe, 4 days a week. Do you wonder why nothing gets done in Washington? Let’s recap: $165.200 for 3-days of work a week and $168.500 for 4-days a week works out to: 52 divided by 3, carry the 7, multiplied by 9 comes to…..TAXPAYERS BEING RIPPED OFF!

Obviously these politicians are grossly overpaid underachievers for the amount of time they spend at their jobs. The only solution is to stop paying them their salaries and make them work for minimum wage. That would, at least, force them put in full days - 7 days a week. Oh, they’d scream and kvetch that it’d be unfair and ridiculous to expect them work for that little money…that they couldn’t support their families. Tell that to the tens of millions of Americans who have to do it every day, Bucko. If Congress was forced to work for $7.00 an hour you’d see how fast it’d pass meaningful Minimum Wage legislation which they’ve refused to do for years. If members of Congress and Senators don’t start earning their salaries and doing the People’s business – we can take a page from corporate America and outsource their jobs to Mexico, China and India. Nothing would still get done but at least we’d save lots of loot.

WAR IS DANGEROUS.

2007-03-08T11:34:00.000-08:00

War used to be a serious business involving Hessians, Visigoths and other hairy nogoodnicks. The problem is that there have always been wars – man seems to have a need to conquer and defeat other people or countries.

War is too easy to conduct. All it takes is lots of money to equip armies, wussy legislators who allow macho and misguided leaders to attack others they consider enemies or unfriendly. I predict that the N.Y. Yankees will invade the Boston Red Sox next year. You heard it here first.

To prove that war has become commonplace there are reports that Switzerland – the only avowedly neutral country – invaded neighboring Liechtenstein. Liechtenstein!? Obviously Switzerland has been watching too many episodes of 24 and decided to become a world military power. Let’s review this: Switzerland’s army – it has no Navy except for 7 chorus boys in a gay bar in Zurich – consists of 170 swiss-cheese makers and 98 yodelers. Not a particularly formidable force. The Swiss air force is non-existent unless you count two crop dusters and one remote controlled bi-plane. Why in hell did a Country of lederhosen wearing watch makers decide to invade a neighbor? Was Dick Cheney advising them?

Turns out that what began as a routine training exercise almost turned out to be serious diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein. According to Swiss authorities, 170 infantry soldiers wandered 1.2 miles across an unmarked border into the tiny principality. Perhaps the Swiss motorized mule teams got confused but when the Swiss realized their mistake and turned back. They retreated.

Their mistaken invasion was defeated by Liechtenstein’s non-army. Without firing a shot or finger snap the principality won this war. Let this be a lesson to any puffed-up country and military to watch whose border they decide to attack. Don’t make war – go on Dr. Phil and talk it out.

AN HONEST SCHMUCK.

2007-02-28T19:40:00.000-08:00

Corruption is a cottage industry in America. Just walk through the halls of Congress and you feel like you need to be sprayed with a fire hose. Reading and watching immoral people charged with indecent and illegal crimes are as common as that damn Heads On commercial. At least, unlike politicians and nogoodnicks, it doesn’t promise things that will never be honored – Heads On never claims it cures or is good for anything…except the owner’s bank account.

It’s refreshing when you come upon someone who is honest and above board. We are all sick of hearing some celebrity pontificating about subjects that they know as much about as a paramecium; CEOs who get million dollar golden parachutes when fired for incompetence; Churches who declare bankruptcy rather than pay damages to abused parishioners; athletes who get away with murder even when they commit it. Well, take a deep breath and meet a truly honest man.

Police Chief Richard Knoebel of Kewaskum, Wisconsin is my hero. This man is so straight and truthful that he makes the late, and sexy, Mother Teresa look like a dishonest – are there any other kind? - used car salesman. The Chief says he wasn’t about to take the easy way out when he accidentally drove past a stopped school bus with its emergency lights flashing. No one would have known about his innocent mistake but noooooooooo Knoebel stopped his patrol car, asked himself for his license and proof of insurance, patted himself down and then wrote himself a ticket for $235, docked himself four points on his driving record. He paid the fine the next day and didn’t even try to bribe himself to get out of the ticket.

This all came to light when the fine appeared in court records. This latter day Dick Tracy doesn’t mind the publicity, if it serves to raise awareness. “If it brings notice to people that they should be stopping for school buses, I don’t mind the notoriety,” he said.

Some might think that Chief Knoebel is crazier than an inmate at the Wisconsin Home for the Silly for writing himself a traffic ticket but it must be pointed out that he didn’t beat the shit out of himself to get a confession. Okay, maybe he’s a tad compulsive, straight-laced and conservative when it comes to the law but even those doubting Thomases have to admit he’s a schmuck!

THE FUTURE.

2007-02-13T18:56:00.000-08:00

Unlike most Old Geezers you know, I, am, one that likes to look ahead at things and trends. That’s why I’ve kept my collection of Chia Pets in pristine shape. I keep them well watered and getting plenty of sun. Should you ever need a valuable Chia Pet I’m the guy to call.

It occurred to me that 2008 will soon be upon us. It’s never too soon to be prepared. Among other things that will happen in 2008 is that George W. Bush’s presidency will be over. Come to think of it, nothing else matters. Oh, sure, Donald Trump will still be calling Rosie O’Donnell a fat dike; guys will still be claiming to be father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter. Zsa Gabor’s fake German Prince husband will still insist that he fathered the little girl. He’d call Zsa as a character witness but the 90-year old Gabor is senile and spends her time punching a blow-up rubber cop during her drooling hours. The ‘Prince” swears that he was awarded his “Prince” title in a fortune cookie.

My major concern about 2008 is that Bush will retire to his ranch in Crawford, Texas and the taxpayers will be stuck with a million dollar tab each year for secret service his protection. Why? Since he’s not aware of most things that went on during his presidency what are we protecting? If a terrorist tried to kidnap him they’d never get a coherent statement out of him just as Americans didn’t for 8-years. Certainly not in English, anyway. His proposed presidential library will contain his collection of “Hunters & Fags” and “How to Sneer Your Way into Politics.”

Therefore, I wonder why we have to spend a fortune to protect this ex-president who is a useless retard? Why not spend the money on something worthwhile, like erasing his name and his administrations fuck ups from history books? George W. Bush has done as much for this country as Pauly Shore has done for classical acting.

OUT OF THE CLOSET

2007-02-08T11:53:00.000-08:00

There is a lot of nonsense written about homosexuality. Is it a choice? Is it predetermined at birth?

Some people blame environment or family influence for homosexuality. There’s a famous quote in gay circles: “My mother made me a fag.” Another person said, “Will she knit me one?” Whatever the reason, homosexuality has always been part of the human experience. There have been famous historical figures that were known as homos. Michelangelo, Octavo, a famous Visigoth warrior who fought in full make-up and garter belt, Helen of Troy – who smoked cigars and turned the Trojan Horse into a gay bar, Eric the Limp – a Viking general who’s wrist was so loose his hand used to fall off during battle. There are of course, many current famous gay people who proudly proclaim their sexual preferences: Rosie O’Donnell, Ellen DeGenerous, Pewee Herman and the “Mother Hen” himself, Richard Simmons. The Old Geezer believes that people have the right to live any way they want. I, for instance, have been happily cohabitating with shoe tree for years.

The greatest threat to the freedom of sexual choice is the conservative, rightwing evangelicals. If these bigots had their way gay men and women would be tarred and feathered (Simmons would like the feather part) and their eye makeup ruined. They claim the Bible insists that homosexuality is blasphemous and should be condemned. They pound their pop-up bibles as proof. Imagine how embarrassed these holier-than-thou, prejudiced fanatics were when one of there own was caught playing hiding the salami with a male hooker.

The Reverend Ted Haggard, the leader of the Evangelical right had to admit that he had been sexually active with another man. This married father of four resigned in disgrace and asked his flock and other religious leaders for forgiveness. He swore that his affair with this male prostitute was an aberration even though he bought a time share with the dude and was seen wearing Victoria’s Secret undies while together.
He decided to save his reputation by entering a rehab facility, in Arizona. The light in the loafer preacher was so far in the closet, you'd need a bloodhound to find him. This mysterious rehab joint seriously claimed that it specialized in turning homosexuals into heterosexuals while they played shuffle board and got a suntan. I wonder if meals are included?

For those Doubting Thomas’s who are suspicious of this spa/rehab center and its claim to do the impossible hold on to your earrings. In just three weeks the Reverend Ted Haggard skipped out of the place screaming that he was straight again. That his homosexuality was just a phase he went through and he not only couldn’t wait to hump ‘the old lady’ but was going to punch the lights out of the next Hell’s Angel he saw.

I guess miracles do happen. This obviously gay Minister will be welcomed back by his flock, resume his TV ministry and tongue kiss any male hookers he meets. Hallelujah!

A GIFT FOR THE AGES.

2007-01-22T09:21:00.000-08:00

Aren’t you tired of getting useless gifts for birthdays? 21 pairs of stripped pajamas when you sleep in the nude? A subscription to Golf Digest when you’re a bowler? A set of cuff links when you have no arms? The point being, family and friends always buy lame, retarded gifts that none of us can use or want. Why don’t they ask what we’d like? The wildest gift I’ve heard of was given to this guy in Danbury, Conn. He was suffering from Alzheimer’s and kept insisting he wanted to be circumcised – again and again. To satisfy his compulsion his family bought him a Deli meat slicing machine.

I have been recipient of some really awful gifts, myself. What was I supposed to do with a signed, first edition of the book, “My Mother’s Gums”? It was written by Norman Needleman who also wrote “The Who’s Who of Huguenots” which sold three…no, two copies on Amazon. Rest easy: The Geezer has the solution to this problem of worthless crap.

Next time a friend asks,” What your neck size is?” Tell him to piss off – that you know what you want. For Sale: the world’s smallest country with its own flag, stamps, currency and passports. Now, that’s a gift! All they have to do is apply to Prince Paddy of ‘Sealand’ even if the country is just a wartime fort perched on two concrete towers in the North Sea. Built in World War Two as an anti-aircraft base to repel German bombers, the derelict platform was taken over 40-years ago by retired Army major Paddy Roy Bates. He declared the platform the principality of Sealand. Prince Paddy adopted a flag, minted silver and gold coins and chose a national anthem – “I Feel Pretty.” His claim of sovereignty has been upheld by British courts.

The asking price for this fabulous ‘gift’ is a mere $975 million. Don’t be shy, when asked what you want for your next birthday tell one and all – “Sealand.” It’s a lot better than a lousy pair of galoshes.

MAKE A DEPOSIT

2006-12-29T11:21:00.000-08:00

Have you thought about banks lately? We all use them unless you’re the type that hides your money under the mattress or in a tomato can that you’ve buried in the garden. I started depositing in a piggy bank when I was just a young lad. This caused lots of problems in my house since we were Kosher.

Most banks aren’t the same anymore. It used to be when you opened an account the bank gave you gifts. Tea kettles, electric blankets and autographed naked pictures of the bank president. Now they grill you like you are a member of al Qaeda before they reluctantly let you put your savings in their institution.

My new favorite bank came to being when women decided they wanted children but not their man. These banks are called sperm banks. You can make a deposit but instead of giving you a hot plate they give you a glass jar to put your deposit in. The recipient of your deposit can pick out the kind of baby she would like to have. ( Elvis impersonator, stand up comic, White House Aid or weather man)

Sperm banks have become so sophisticated that mothers can select the sex of the baby, the color of its hair and eyes and, if a boy, the size of his shmeckle. Some men do it because it’s a wonderful way to achieve immortality. Others do it because it’s an excuse for whack off and not be told that your hand will fall off.

I got interested in this process and called a sperm bank. I asked where I could leave a deposit. They said, “We’re always open to new accounts.” When I queried about getting a toaster for my efforts they hung up. I called another sperm bank and they offered to send me a specimen jar and put me in their computer. They also asked how many women I’d allow to receive my donation. If, for example, I would like to make a lot of women happy I’d need to make more than one deposit. My ‘specimen’ would be frozen and good for six months. I immediately bought a subscription to Playboy. I’d need all the help I could get.

I never wanted to have children because it costs a bloody fortune to pay for braces on their teeth. But this would be entirely different – I’d never have to see them eat mashed potatoes with their hands.

Sadly, my account must have been overdrawn. I tried hard but nothing happened. Maybe depositing in a glass jar was too intimidating. I even tried to think about some famous woman star – to help me along. Just my luck, the only one I could think of was Rosie O’Donnell. So much for mortality.

FAIR JUSTICE.

2006-12-22T15:34:00.000-08:00

Our justice system is screwed up. It’s in a bigger mess than Phil Spector’s hair. For years people have complained that the courts have been too lenient when sentencing criminals. Our judges have been coddling defendants and that’s the reason that the crime rate has risen every year.

When it comes to dishonest or stupid judges I have done a study and most of them are getting a bad rap. True, there was the jurist in Maine who was accused of self abuse while sitting on the bench. No one would have known anything but every hour he would scream out, “Oh, baby, do it.” Now, you know what some of them do while sitting on the bench. Another elderly and senile judge who should have retired years ago admits to playing bridge with a mannequin during trials.

It’s refreshing to hear about a justice who not only is bright and fair but hands out sentences to wrong doers in a creative manner. This particular judge works in Painesville, Ohio and recently had a defendant charged with animal cruelty. It seems this imbecile was charged with shooting his Great Dane in the head. It’s been rumored that he was wrestling the dog for a chew stick, lost and got pissed. He was arrested after neighbors reported hearing a dog’s cries and the animal saying, “You got me,” Police found the injured animal and took it to an emergency veterinary clinic but while the dog was filling out papers and trying to prove it had insurance…it past away.

Judge Michael Cicconetti is know for his creative sentences for low-level crimes – before you dog lovers started screaming that shooting a dog in the head is hardly a low-level crime – read on. The defendant pleaded no contest to the animal cruelty charge and was sentenced to 180 days in jail for shooting his dog Bill. No one believed the guilty man’s defense that, “he was too drunk to drive.” Judge Cicconetti offered to cut the sentence to 10 days in jail if Bill’s killer wears a dog costume for a month. Not only does he have to wear a Safety Pup’s outfit but must only relieve himself at fire hydrants. He has to only eat kibble and walk in circles before he sits down. This hit man also has to pay the Humane Society’s vet bills and visit schools and preach about the evils of violence and outsourcing to the students.

I love the sentence and only wish the judge had also insisted that the defendant get wormed. In the past, Judge C. sentenced a couple who vandalized a baby Jesus statue to lead a donkey through the city streets and be nailed to a cross. A littering defendant was forced to live in a trash can for a week. Judge Cicconetti should be appointed to the Supreme Court.

I’ll bet that, speaking of dogs, Nancy Grace couldn’t bitch about this judge. Why doesn’t someone shoot her in the head? It’d be a mercy killing.

HOME FOR SALE.

2006-12-15T17:23:00.000-08:00

The most ambitious and aggressive people all of us have met are real estate agents. Every person you seem to meet claims to be selling real estate. Most of them will not take ‘no for an answer.’ They are totally unrelenting when it comes to trying to sell you a home. The only other human I’ve ever met with such balls is the bartender I encountered in Fresno who always asked Hells Angels if they wanted a Shirley Temple?

It’s probably understandable that real estate people will do anything to close a deal. I have been offered sexual favors if I’d sign a contract. I don’t him no. In another case I might have been interested but she looked like something you’d find in a fish aquarium. I guess with the real estate boom it was a good business to get into. However, with the market as soft as a man needing Viagra no holds are barred.

A case in point: A Texas real estate agent looking to add more bang to her business is offering clients a free Glock pistol if they buy a home. Julie Upton, a Houston-area agent, spurned traditional buyer incentives like free gasoline cards, home improvements, DVDs of Paris Hilton going down on herself or this woman’s youngest child. Chutzpah must be her middle name.

She placed an advertisement offering a pistol with the purchase of any home worth at least $150,000. If you buy a home for less than $150,000 she gives you a ticket to the lottery in Biafra. So far she has given away two Glocks to people who bought homes from her. The guns cost about $500.00. So far the advertisement has not generated protests from the anti-gun lobby. I didn’t know there was an anti-gun lobby in Texas. In Texas, no license is required to own a rifle, shotgun, handgun or rocket launcher.

I have some advice for this ingenious, hustling woman – why not restrict her clientele to members of street gangs or motorcycle killers? They always need more fire power. I may take a page out of Upton’s book and become a real estate agent here in the Palm Springs area. Instead of guns I can offer walkers, bifocals and free dentures. Whatdya think?

THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.

2006-12-14T11:06:00.000-08:00

Never having worked a day in my life at a legitimate job I can only be impressed at those workers who toil at dangerous jobs. They are brave and courageous men and women. Why don’t they choose cushy, easy, overpaid and unimportant work, like: politician, lawyer, economist, weatherman and religious leader? Instead they elect to become soldiers, policeman, fireman, medics and the most dangerous of all…salesman in lady’s shoe stores.

Whenever there is a natural disaster volunteer’s step up to the plate and risk life and limb to help others. They could, if they chose, sit back in their lounge chair, open a can of brewski and watch the action on TV…like the rest of us cowards. Just think of what catastrophe might have happened in New Orleans after hurricane Katrina if it wasn’t for the quick work of people like, “Brownie” and the other heroes from the Emergency Preparedness office?

The Geezer was just made aware of a recent brave soul who became the toast of Columbia, South Carolina’s famous Anderson Christmas parade. One doesn’t think of true heroes during the Christmas season unless it’s the person opening the door at a department store during an underwear sale. However, 42-year-old David Allen Rodgers joins the list of candidates for Time’s Man of the Year.

This fearless fellow was hired to drive a float during the parade. Whi is driving a float dangerous? It is if you don't know how to drive and are drunk as a skunk. In that the weather was a tad nippy he rightly decided to imbibe enough alcohol to sponge bathe Rosie O’Donnell. How does that make him a hero? Well, the Steppin’ Out Dance Studio float was filled with children and adults all tapping their freezing hearts out for the entertainment of the sidewalk crowds. Mr. Rodgers trying to save his passengers from the cold put his foot to the metal and began to pass the other floats in the parade as he did wheelies down Main Street. When one of the onlookers called 911 being alerted by the screaming crowd on the float hanging on for their dear lives…police began chasing the runaway float thru red lights for three miles. Once pulled over Rodgers tried to attack an officer with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

He has been charged with DUI, kidnapping and assault on a police officer. Rodgers has prior traffic offenses but is well known as a lover of soup. I nominate this gentleman as a hero in trying to liven up the usually boring Anderson Christmas parade. Next year he is hinting at coming as a Campbell’s chicken noodle soup can.

READY, AIM....DUCK!

2006-12-13T10:56:00.000-08:00

Anyone with a modicum of intelligence knows I am an equal opportunity Geezer. I try to give every nogoodnick a shot at my rants. If you act like a yutz or do something really stupid you will probably find yourself in my cross-hairs. However, in all fairness I have to cop to finding southerners, rednecks and bubbas easy targets. They give a new meaning to dull-witted!

I can make that claim without any fear of contradiction. No, I’m not talking about the ex…although feeble-minded comes to mind when I think about her good qualities. I once saw her having a heated argument with a shovel and the shovel prevailed. “Nough said? To prove my thesis that southerners are lower forms of life I point you to a ‘brilliant’ lawmaker in Texas. For those nitpickers who claim that Texas isn’t really as Southern state – how to you explain them electing George W. Bush governor twice? Only folks in the South would make such a colossal booboo.

What did this Texas law maker do that would warrant the Old Geezer’s fury? The imbecile is actually trying to pass a law that would allow blind people to hunt game that sighted folks can currently pursue. Deep breath, friends. “This opens up the fun of hunting to additional people,” he said. His bill may find little resistance in Texas, where politicians of all stripe endorse hunting, which is wildly popular in the state. The only fun thing that comes even close to that is eating road kill.

Let’s recap: a supposed intelligent politico thinks it’s perfectly all right for blind people to shoot guns. This idiotic idea is almost as bad as Louisiana’s law that allows citizens to carry guns into banks. If I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’. I don’t even think that Charlton Heston and his rug would approve of this. Hell, some blind hunter might do something as ridiculous as turning and shooting a fellow hunter in the face. See: Dick Cheney! If the bill becomes law imagine what might happen if a sightless gunslinger hears a backfire and mistakes it for a moose call. “Durnit there goes another Dodge Ram.” I hate to even think about what disaster might happen if someone close to the handicapped forgot his beano and had an episode of passing gas.

Let’s hear it for State Representative Edmund “Ed” Kuempel and his attempt to get in the Guinness Book for being the dumbest man alive.

OPEN YOUR BIBLES, DAMN IT!

2006-12-08T09:46:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons I decided not to run for Pope is because I'm allergic to incense, have bad knees and look lousy in red. The truth is I don’t think religion gets a bad enough rap. There’s an old joke that religion has killed more people than Jewish cooking. True is true.

As a youth I lived directly across the street from a Catholic church. It was a church founded by the great accordion player, Dick Contino – the church’s name was “Our Lady of Spain.” Okay, okay, I apologize. Seriously, the Geezer did live across from a neighborhood Catholic Church and it influenced me greatly. I even considered becoming a Catholic and studying for the priesthood but I hated Bingo and buggering little boys.

There are, of course, many religions. Some, with many thousands of members and a few smaller Southern congregations consisting of 6 members and 15-snakes. In Vegas, one denomination has a drive-in Church…you confess your sins into the face of a plastic preacher.

The latest headline grabbing pastor worked in Mount Airy, North Carolina. Mount Airy is the place that old, Charlie Weaver and his weird family came from. You remember those funny letters from ‘momma.’ The Weaver clan was normal compared to a local pastor who was just arrested. Member’s of Preacher Jerry Wayne “Dusty” Whitaker’s church say they had no knowledge that he was a convicted felon. They might have gotten a hint that he was a felon when he showed up for his first sermon in handcuffs and leg irons.

It seems the good preacher was accused of brandishing a gun as part of a sermon. I suspect he tried to drive his point home that he expected the congregation to fill up the collection plate. “Empty your damn pockets or you’ll be visiting your maker.” “Dusty” was convicted in Virginia on a conspiracy to distribute cocaine and possession of a firearm during drug trafficking. A great background for a religious leader.

“Dusty’s” excuse was that he wasn’t trying to scare anybody out of their money but that he used parables in his sermons. “I once pretended to be a blind man with a can, glasses and can of coins,” he said. “Why didn’t they arrest me for impersonating a blindy?” It might have been because he didn’t do his ‘Rich Little’ on the pulpit but at the Braille Institute where he was thrown out for sneaking into the ladies’ room.

Ole, “Dusty” will probably move on when he’s out of the slammer. There are plenty of red-neck congregations where he would fit in perfectly. Praise the Lord.

SAFE SEX

2006-12-01T17:12:00.000-08:00

This is the first X-Rated rant I’ve ever done. If there are kids in the room get them the hell out. Tell ‘em to play with their play station…or…themselves!

Safe sex is a continuing problem in the world. Without it the population explosion will cause the earth to be as inhabitable as your in-laws house. During my short lived and miserable marriage we didn’t have any problem with safe sex…my mean, old wife made it a rule never to have sex when we were both in the same state. Contraception is the key to over-population and ‘safe sex’. The Catholic Church prohibits the use of contraception because most child molesting priests find it unwieldy. Who can blame them the poor degenerates have a tough enough time running Bingo games.

I think it’s safe to say that the majority of males hate to use condoms. It’s pretty embarrassing in the heat of passion to try and rip the foil packet with your teeth and roll the damn thing on your shmeckle. Talk about sexy, eh? By the time you finally do – the woman has already put on the Leno show and is snoring. Wearing a condom is akin…now that’s a pretty fancy word for the Geezer to use – but adding a little pizzazz to these rants couldn’t hurt….wearing a condom is as much fun as getting a tattoo with a jack hammer.

Well, there is help just over the hill. German sex educators plan to launch – gird your loins and listen – have developed a spray-on condom tailor-made for all sizes. Talking about ‘sizes’ embarrasses the hell out of me. I have an inny! The idea is to promote better and safer sex lives. I, always find that a woman is essential for a better sex life.

“We’re trying to develop the perfect condom for men that have suited to every size of penis,” one of the scientists’s said. Wonder if they have it in puny. The manufacturer “spraykondom” is developing a type of spray can into which the man inserts his penis first. At the push of a button it is then coated in a rubber condom. “It works by spraying on latex from nozzles on all sides,” he continued. “We call it the ‘360 degree procedure’ – once round and from top to bottom. It’s a bit like a car wash. Oh, great, does it also clean hub caps?

“The plan is to make the product ready for use in about five seconds. It would fit better and not slip,” said he. “We want to make sure the latex is evenly spread when sprayed, as well as optimize the vulcanization process.” Vulcanize your penis? What if you have a blow out? They also plan to make it available in different strengths and colors. Oy vey!

I’m just going to stick with my old reliable…crazy glue.

TAKE IT EASY..CHAIR.

2006-11-27T13:00:00.000-08:00

Many of you have suggested that the Geezer is like the ‘town crier’ – keeping all of you apprised of the latest news of interest. I appreciate the honor but like to think about myself as the ‘town kvetcher.’ The purpose of my rants is to educate you about the latest scams and injustices that are waiting just around the corner. For instance who can forget my exposing the fraudulent television “weight reduction” program that promised buyers that they could lose 86 pounds in just 20 minutes? I mockingly proved that the supposed spokeswoman, in reality, had to be cut out of a hula hoop that day.

Many so-called chic and eastern snobs relish putting down so-called blue collar habits and interests. You know what I mean: bowling for dwarfs, projectile vomiting and collecting all of Jim Nabors’ CDs. Another no-no for the jet set is the idea of ever buying a La-Z-Boy or other recliners. To listen to them it’d be worse than wearing a bowling shirt or attending a stock car race. I have news for those holier-than-thou stuffed shirts…..stick your superior attitude up my egg foo yong!

After hearing about this story I immediately went out and bought 7 La-Z-Boys for my home. My neighbors threw a block part and guffawed when Mendelbaum’s delivery truck pulled up. They hissed when each of the 7 chairs were carried in. They claimed property values would plummet faster than Michael Richard’s reputation.

Here’s what got me so interested in recliners. A man in Walnut Creek, Calif. has more reason than ever to stay put in his La-Z-Boy. He may never leave the easy chair. First, it looks directly at his 10-inch black and white TV set with rabbit ears – you know the kind with aluminum foil – the reason he’s so gung-ho for his chair is because it saved his life. It seems his little bride snuck up behind him and tried to shoot him in the head. It obviously wasn’t one of her better days.

Miracle of miracles the La-Z-Boy absorbed most of the bullets force and left him virtually unscathed. The couple had been arguing about whether Sam Donaldson wears a toupee, said the Sheriff’s Dept. Jan Kemp took exception at her hubbies claim that Sam wasn’t wearing a rug but a bird nest. She went into the bedroom, got her pistol, snuck up behind her husband and fired the gun at the back of his head. Because she fired through the recliner, the bullet only slightly wounded Norman causing him to drop his brewskie. He stood up from his chair, followed his wife into the kitchen and declared, “You done shot me and where the hell are the pretzels?” according to authorities. Jan had been trying to get Norman to stay on a diet and at the mention of pretzels fired a second shot at him, but missed. The police were called and she was arrested on suspicion of attempted murder and trying to damage an easy chair.

I don’t want to hear any high-brow, fancy pants ever putting down a La-Z-Boy again. Maybe we should start equipping our troops in Iraq with them to stop them being killed.

OLD STINKY.

2006-11-24T10:29:00.000-08:00

As anyone knows, who has an I.Q. higher than a bivalve, airports and flying has become a pain in the tush. With the quixotic terror alert color scheme that bureaucrats at Homeland Security, with the personalities of a Brussels sprout, have used to frighten travelers – can anyone explain to the Geezer what ‘an orange alert’ means? Orange is such a pussy color…why don’t they make it “red” that’s scary and likely to fend off any card carrying terrorist. If they had a fashion sense they’d name the security alerts shantung or pinstriped.

I don’t even want to discuss the idiot who instituted the rule about passengers not being able to carry shaving cream or hair gel on a plane. He’s probably the kind of guy who invested his life savings in the DeLorean Motor Company. If you’re too young to remember DeLorean – get older. Back to air-travel: airports are horrible, flights are never on time, the seats are only comfortable if you happen to be an anorexic, flight attendants, who used to be called stewardesses and were gorgeous, now look like everyone’s ugly grandmother and bother the hell out of customers especially those sleeping. “Thanks for waking me up. No, I don’t want a goddamn pillow!”

Everybody flying has become paranoid about terrorists sitting next to them. Any passenger with darkish skin, wearing a diaper on his head and answering to the name Mahmoud – is in deep shit. Just because he might be carrying a naked picture of Osama doesn’t mean a thing. God forbid he presses the button to call for a flight attendant – he will probably get tasered in his schlong. However, it’s a good idea for all of us to be on guard against menaces that’s why I never flew with my ex-wife.

Recently a British Airways crew threw a passenger off a flight and he tried to sue for damages. The flight took off from Duesseldorf, Germany and other passengers became aware of a horrible, disgusting smell. No, a mouse didn’t die in an overhead bin although the smell probably would have killed one – the offending stink was tracked to a male passenger. It was easy to pick him out – flies were circling him holding their noses. This dude smelled as bad as a New York cabby! When passengers sitting near him began to gag and upchuck, the airline crew asked him if he could put on a fresh shirt. He declined saying his shirt was perfectly clean even though it had been used in a cock flight the night before. Besides he claimed that he smelled just like his mother who liked to roll around in skunk entrails. The fellow was escorted off the flight about two minutes before take off.

Old ‘stinky’ tried to sue the airline for damages claiming that he couldn’t help sweating after carrying three suitcases in 29 degrees of heat and sitting in the airport for two hours with no air conditioning. He did admit to sweating even while taking a shower. After hearing all sides the judge removed his gas mask and ruled in favor of the airline. Although he did present the passenger with a lifetime supply of deodorant. ‘Stinky’ thought it was food and ate the entire carton so at least his breath will smell clean.

STOP BUYING GIFTS.

2006-11-20T10:55:00.000-08:00

It’s holiday time again. Doesn’t it seem like its holiday time? The trickiest thing about holidays is getting the right gift for that special someone. Buying the right gift is a no win situation. Some pains are never grateful and complain that your gift is the wrong size, color or useless to them. Ungrateful swine! For my last birthday I received 10-gifts…they were all pajamas.

Wives, mothers and girlfriends are really difficult to purchase anything for. Especially if its clothes. Problem number one is, you can’t ask a woman what her size is…she will just get pissed and tell you it’s none of your damn business and she plans to lose a few pounds as soon as the holiday season is over. Besides she will tell you that you have no taste in clothes. Pointing to your torn t-shirt – the one with the stains – and tell you that, “she rests her case.” Guys are easy – a six pack or a baseball hat that says, “Kiss my grits” is usually just fine.

To show you how crazy people get at holiday time my mother once called to complain that I loved my father better than I did her. Forget that she was right…I defensively told her that nothing could be further from the truth and what gave her that silly idea? She pointed out that I had sent both of them Christmas cards and his cost more than hers. She actually looked at the back of the cards. No wonder I decided to become an orphan.

Recently a man walked into Toys “R” Us and raised hell about a police toy that they were selling. They toy set, named “Elite Operations Role Play Set: Police,” includes a nightstick and utility belt. No mace – that’s for next year. What’s the problem you ask? This uptight dude claimed the toy set that he gave to his 6-year old son uttered a curse word. A recorded message that includes what sounds like a curse word plays when the nightstick is removed from the belt. “I’ve had to explain to parents why my son is saying the f-word; it’s horrible. It’s a cute little toy; but God forbid, it’s not was I want my kid hearing.”

The Geezer says, “Why the hell not?” Every six-year-old I know says a lot worse than that to their parents and friends. Most use language that would make a shipload of Greek sailors blush. A spokesman for Toys “R” Us swore that the toy maker tested the recording and found nothing wrong. “It must have been a faulty chip,” said the manufacturer, it should say, “Stop, I don’t want to have to pull out my nightstick!”

A big deal was made out of a simple mistake. The complaining dad probably would rather have his son play “Doctor and Nurse” with the 5-year-old girl next store and get her knocked up. Six-year-olds today are sneaky buggers. The store manager decided to take back the toy cop and allow the father to pick another toy for his filthy mouth kid. The father should really be arrested by the toy cop because he loudly yelled at the employees, “Take you friggin’ toy and stick it up your fat booty. I don’t want my goddamn kid learning any curse words unless he learns them from me!” How would his kid like 10-pairs of slightly stained pajamas?

LOVE YOUR ANIMAL.

2006-11-17T13:21:00.000-08:00

There’s a great saying that for every man there’s a woman. Is it true? Probably….maybe….nah! If it was, why are there so many people hanging around piano bars wearing outlandish outfits and practicing pick-up lines? I had to stop using my favorite one, “I understand egg futures are up.” Why are they desperately subscribing to dating services and internet love sites? Most of them promise that you will find your love match for only 12-thousand dollars a month. Whatever your particular needs or desires are they will fulfill them. If you are looking for a woman who will allow you to have sex with her while she is eating a plate of watercress – look no further. Looking for an albino dwarf? Just sign up. Wanting to meet a sex goddess with dengue fever, look no more.

I can speak from personal experience that most of these internet ‘meat markets’ are fakes. I joined one after signing over my house, filling out the boring application and waited with baited breath for the woman of my dreams. One whiff of my baited breath was enough to scare off a lot of them. They guaranteed that if within six months I didn’t find my soul mate they would refund my money. When I called to get my refund they had moved offices to Calcutta. Big surprise! It’s not like I was looking to find someone unusual. I described her as resembling the love child of Jesse Helms and Grace Slick.

This rant was occasioned by a story that just proves that some people are destined to go through life endlessly searching for ‘their true love.’ A 20-year-old man from Wisconsin thought he had found his ‘love goddess’ but the police objected and arrested him. Damned Gestapo! When they found out that this young, lonely venison lover had sex last month with a dead deer they slapped him into jail. They claim that he’s a serial nutcase because he had previously served time for killing a horse he intended to sexually assault. Okay, okay, maybe young Mr. Hathaway is a tad strange….

His lawyer filed a court motion arguing that since the deer was already dead, Hathaway should not face a misdemeanor rap for sexual gratification with an animal. “The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass,” his attorney claimed. The judge in the case is actually studying the lawyer’s claim. Obviously, the lawyer and judge should be disbarred and tarred and feathered, but authorities are afraid that if Hathaway spots them with feathers on he might just try and boink them.

If our animals aren’t safe from some loved-starved lunatic there is only one solution. Speaker Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats in the House should immediately pass a law prohibiting humans having sex with dead animals. The hell with minimum wage, health care and funding the war in Iraq – write your congressperson and insist they bar anyone from getting to third base with possums, alligators and other critters.

NO WRITER'S BLOCK HERE.

2006-11-15T08:38:00.000-08:00

I have been a lucky Geezer for most of my professional life. The dreaded ‘writer’s block’ must not have my address. Some writer friends have not been as fortunate. Chris has had writer’s block for many years. Last year’s output was a series of commas. Helen, was under analysis for her block and finally, finally she was able, with the help of medication, to write her first play, “A Mother’s Gums.”
Another pal was fired from his job when he had trouble writing two meaningful sentences on “My Favorite Toy.”

This disease is a dreadful malady and there is no known cure for it. A few poor souls have had to give up their dream of becoming a functioning writer and had to find work in network television. One of the reasons I haven’t been plagued with writer’s block is because of nitwit politicians. They are a never ending source of material.

As an example: Voters in Niota, Tennessee elected a fella named James Wayne Cagle to the city council. Cagle with 93 votes edged incumbent Allen J. Watkins by a single vote. Watkins demanded a recount and it took 25-seconds. There were no hanging chads for him to fall back on. Cagle is scheduled to be sworn in to his new city post in two months. So what’s the problem, you ask? Well, the voters apparently unaware he was on the sheriff’s most wanted list. I know, most of us feel that all politicians should be on the FBI’s top ten…but Cagle was the real thing.

It seems he has two outstanding misdemeanor charges. Cagle is accused of failing to appear in court to answer charges of driving on a revoked license and writing a bad check. Doesn’t seem like a big deal until you realize that he’s on the town’s police force. No, I made that up. The voters in Niota claim that if it wasn’t Cagle they would have probably elected some other crook. Part of the requirements for becoming an elected official, anywhere, seems to be a larcenous heart.

The amazing thing is election officials said the criminal charges do not prevent Cagle from taking office. Why the hell should they, it never prevented Senators and members of the House from serving.

As long as there are guys like Cagle running for office there is no writers block in my future.

HALLELUJAH

2006-11-13T10:26:00.000-08:00

Apropos of nothing: My information booth is always open especially when it comes to proving that politicians are the lowest life form – I read with interest, and a gagging response, that some putz running for sheriff in a small southern town decided to insure his election by legally changing his name to Andy Griffith. He obviously thought the connection with Mayberry would do the trick. I swear on a plate of grits it’s true. Even the bubbas and bubbettes didn’t fall for this ploy. He was soundly defeated. Now, if he had changed his name to Aunt Bea he might have stood a chance.

Speaking about the south and its collection of rednecks: a redneck is the kind of man who goes to a family reunion to pick up chicks. A 54-year old religious fanatic claims that two small bibles he was carrying in his shirt pocket saved his life when they stopped a bullet. He swore on a stack of bibles that it actually happened. Hopefully those bibles didn’t have a bullet hole in them.

Anyway, he told the southern sheriff who investigated the case that two men ambushed him with a rifle as he carried bags of garbage to a trash can. Southern sheriffs are born with sun glasses on, don’t you know. I have a few questions about this dubious event. Why would he carry two bibles in his pocket while taking out garbage? Does he always carry bibles…even when he takes a shower – which probably isn't often? Are they stapled to his body?

The man said he was carrying two New Testament bibles in his shirt to give to friends. Have you ever heard of anyone else who gives bibles as gifts to friends? What happened to an unfashionable, fat, ugly tie as a gift? Or, a pair of shoe laces? It seems like a very unbelievable scenario. I think this guy was a defrocked bible salesman trying to unload some hot New Testaments. Besides ho ever heard of gunmen carrying a rifle on the job? Maybe they just wanted to heist some garbage when this religious busybody screwed everything up?

The police took the bibles as evidence. Why? Do bullets leave fingerprints? Other than a red mark and a pain in his chest our so-called victim was not injured. I suspect the bible nut was trying to get his fifteen minutes of fame or trying to impress his wife who happened to be pulling the hay wagon, at the time.

Perhaps the Geezer has become a cynic in my old age but this story smells worse than skunk road kill.

KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

2006-11-11T15:33:00.000-08:00

Since the Geezer is a very old Geezer he has seen or heard of many strange and weird things that have happened in the past. Almost nothing surprises me. I didn’t bat an eye when it was brought to my attention that some poor soul from the Bronx connected his freckles to form a picture of Larry the Pants Salesman.

I didn’t even blink when a teen in Ohio swore he woke up and the Mormon Tabernacle choir was sitting at the foot of his bed flicking chickens. Or, the shepherd some hundred years ago who was wandering in the Gulf of Aquaba and stumbled upon a cave containing several large clay pots and two tickets to the ice show. I guess I’m immune to being astonished anymore.

At least I was immune until I heard about the naked fellow in El Cerrito, California who was arrested for a concealed weapon. Huh? You heard right, bubba, some nude was hiding what the police thought was a concealed dangerous weapon. When I first read about it I said, “Posh” how the hell can that be true? I don’t say “Posh” very often…usually during a full moon. Occasionally when drinking Shirley Temples I also say, “Pish/Posh” but I have to be really bombed to do that.

Let’s think about it, how can anyone walking around unclothed possibly hide anything dangerous or not? Could the police have been talking about his ‘member’? But there’s no way that could be concealed unless his stomach hangs down to his knees. When the fuzz arrived they found him lying on a tree stump, masturbating besides a nature path. The dude obviously has a different life style than most people. I’m not talking about him masturbating – it happens to be one of the few things I do well – but on a tree stump?

When the police placed him under arrest it was for indecent exposure but when they asked him if he was carrying anything police should know about he admitted that he indeed was carrying a tool in his rectum. The poor sap was volunteering more information than anyone needed to hear. I guess he likes to share. My first thought would be what kind of tool could he be hiding there? A jackhammer, an electric saw, a ladder?

The cops drew their weapons – which where not concealed – and firefighters were called. Why involve them in this sordid incident was not explained. While everyone watched with baited breaths the arrestee removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without comment. “You can’t get more concealed than that,” said one cop. He didn’t explain why he felt the need to have a 6-inch awl in his rectum unless it was in memory of his cellmate. Oh, yeah, the guy was a recent parolee. He was booked into jail on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a dangerous weapon. “When you’re talking about an awl or an ice pick and you’re dealing with somebody who’s fresh out of prison, it’s a weapon. That’s a stabbing instrument,” said the sick-to-his-stomach officer.

I have to admit that this report shocked even me. Just when I thought I’d seen it all some numb-nuts shakes me out of my smug, comfortable cocoon. If the guy hasn’t told the cops they never would have known – he could have walked away – a little funnily but away.

ELECTIONS AREN'T.

2006-11-09T10:22:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows what the Geezer thinks of politicians. They are some where between a mud beetle and sphincter. I take that back…they’re not even that good. Some smart dude once said, “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.” That about sums it up.

We have just come thorough another election…but just barely. The lies, the stupidity and outright sleaze were enough to make a cannibal into a vegetarian. It seems that there is nothing a candidate won’t do to be elected except tell the truth. They are as shameless as the judges on American Idol.

I thought I’d heard it all when it came to retards running for office. Retards’ running for office is really an oxymoron. A candidate for the gubernatorial election in Idaho – bet you didn’t know that they have a governor in Idaho – I thought Idaho was the place where all the lost socks from a washing machine goes. Hell, the world famous “Idaho potato” is grown in California. Back to my rant:

What in the world could a wannabe politico pull that would cause me to go into uncontrollable spasms and twitches? A strawberry farmer from Boise decided to run for governor and to prove that he was a man of principal he officially and legally changed his name to – ready? – Pro-Life. I am not kidding. Marvin Richardson is so strongly opposed to abortion that he went to court and did the deed. “I’m the most conservative politician in Idaho,” he proudly claimed. No, Marvin, you are the biggest idiot since Barbara Bush decided to have sons.

This certifiable yutz thought that his stand would, in a Western State known as a conservative bedrock, serve him well. “When the sperm meets the egg, that’s a new person,” he declares. How would he know what a sperm does when it meets the egg? It might tip its fedora and buy the egg a cocktail. I’m not sure his ploy worked with the electorate even though he joins the ranks of Prince, Madonna, Cher and Bono who go by a single moniker. Since his I.Q. is obviously missing in action he felt he should highlight his stand on abortion. To illustrate how dumb this cat is he has only campaigned in his own district. During a candidates’ debate at one point the longshot avoided a question and instead began to pray. It must have been a tough question like who’s buried in Grant’s tomb.

Something tells me that Pro-Life didn’t exactly sweep the voters off their feet. Even he voted for someone else. Think about this: what if candidates all over the country start changing their names to highlight their stands on issues….we could find a Global Warming Goldfarb, a Cut ‘N Run O’Shea, a Higher Gas Tax Smith and A Chicken In Every Pot Winninger. The thought boggles the mind.

PLAN AHEAD...

2006-11-04T16:44:00.000-08:00

People are always accused of being in a hurry and rushing around without taking the time to ‘smell the flowers.’ We keep hearing that we should chill and go barefoot in the grass. Those who advocate going barefoot in the grass obviously have never walked in a doggy park.

I’m sure that most of us could benefit from allowing ourselves time off and opportunity to relax more. This, of course, doesn’t work for politicians because they never work anyway. Also, they don’t smell the flowers or walk barefoot – they use their spare time to raise money and grovel to special interests.

The Geezer has always believed in relaxing and completely resting. When I get up in the morning I immediately take a nap. It all started at age nine when I hid in clothing hamper for two years.

Many of the folks with lack of coolness are men and women who are obsessive compulsives. You know the dreaded A-personality types. Those cats spend their whole life planning for things. Checking and re-checking on their particular hang-ups to the frustration of their family and friends. There are many serious psychological problems that can be found in these obsessives. One of the most famous was the man from Spokane who spent most of his life insisting that penguins actually could speak Urdu but where too shy to do it.

Recently, an A-personality middle-aged woman in Germany was obsessed with making arrangements for her own funeral. That’s all she could think about. Sounds a little creepy to me but whatever floats her shroud. She meticulously planned the whole enchilada including choosing her coffin, her headstone and grave sight. She was offered a bargain for a grave sight but turned it down because it was too close to the freeway and she didn’t want to cough. Yes, compulsives are definitely one beer can short of a six-pack.

This strange fraulein would visit her grave almost every day. She would bring flowers to decorate the headstone, have picnics there and often chat with her ‘soon to be self.’ Friends begged her to stop, claiming that it was bad luck and didn’t look good on her resume. She pooh-poohed them insisting that she knew what she was doing. Last week, as this maiden was placing a bouquet of pussy willows on her grave she had a heart attack and dropped dead right on he grave. Splatt! Maybe her obsession wasn’t that crazy after all. Look at the money she saved on funerals, mourners, hearses and flowers.

So, let’s not be too fast to condemn and make fun of compulsives. All their planning and scheming sometimes isn’t as crazy as we think. I’m going out tomorrow and purchase a plot in a pet cemetery just in case I buy a pet. One can’t be too prepared.

LOVE, LOVE, HURRAY FOR LOVE.

2006-10-31T16:02:00.000-08:00

Sexually, men are weird. What makes a man become obsessed with a woman is unfathomable. Some guy gets all hot and bothered with a certain type of female and others think he’s off his chump. I guess the old cliché, “whatever floats your boat” is probably true but why do some fellows fall for girls that look like something that fell off a fishing boat?

To prove my point The Geezer wants to tell you about some poor schmuck who lives in Ferndale, Mich. He’s in love. What’s the big deal? This fool doesn’t get horny about redheads, blondes, brunettes, big breasted ladies, flat ladies, tall or short women – what floats his boat are women nobody else would give a thought to. They're not obese or pinheads…those would be a step up for this dude. His female fetish is with female mannequins. You heard right, Bubba, this poor soul keeps falling in love with plastic statue. Oy Vey!

He has a history of smashing store windows to grab mannequins and has been accused of indulging his fetish once again. This 39-year-old crazy was arrested after breaking a window at a cleaning-supply company to get a mannequin in a black and white French maid’s uniform, police said. Well, maybe he’s not so bonkers, after all. I mean, anything in a French maid’s outfit is pretty darn hot. A judge ordered him to undergo a psychiatric examination to determine whether he’s competent to stand trial. “Mr. Dodson went to prison and they haven’t helped him,” said his lawyer. “He got out of prison and he’s right back out there. It’s pretty bizarre.” Duh! His erotic pursuit of mannequins over the past 13 year’s has led to at least six convictions for breaking and entering and a stint in prison. Reports don’t say whether he brings candy and flowers to his ladies in the window.

Before you decide he’s totally crackers, the Geezer did some research on mannequins. Turns out that manufacture’s in New York have endowed them with individual characteristics – the theory being that no two females, not even plastic or plaster females are quite alike. For instance, the mannequins at the department store Peck & Peck are made to look young and prim, while at Lord & Taylor they seem wiser and windblown, at Saks they are more demure but mature, while at Bergdorf’s they look agelessly elegant and quietly rich. The preoccupation with making mannequins almost human, and equipping them with curves, is probably responsible for the Michigan man’s problems. It’s a dirty, sneaky trick and I blame Hugo Chavez for it.

Our defendant told his parole officer he was going to buy a mannequin so he didn’t have to do these break-ins anymore. Apparently his at home ‘girlfriend’ didn’t work out. If the police are going to make a big deal out of an innocent, harmless honorable fetish…I’m not taking any chances and intend to deflate all my rubber-blow-up dolls.

THERE'S HOPE FOR US YET!

2006-10-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

Most sports fans and reporters complain, and rightly so, that athletes today are cry-babies, spoiled rotten and totally selfish. None of these jocks seem to care about fans,’ the team’ or teammates – the only thing on their muscle bound minds is their press and what the sport can do for them. With that attitude they might as well be show business celebrities.

Most old time sports buffs will tell you about the days when athletes played for the fun of it. Having the opportunity to play was their reason for being. They were paid middle class wages and many of them had second jobs during their off season. Can you imagine some NBA super star working at a Chevron station pumping gas? Hell, he’s probably the majority stockholder in Chevron. As depressing as the state of sports is – every once in a while you read about an athlete who cares – really cares about their sport and will do anything to play.

Meet Mitchell Cozad of Greeley, Colorado. The most important thing in his young athlete’ life was playing football for his college team at Northern Colorado. He lives football. As a young tike his dad gave him a football helmet for his 8th-birthday and he was so excited and exhilarated that he never even got acne when he reached his teens – the helmet did. His twin brother, Randall, also received a helmet but not knowing what to do with it he put some lace on it and turned it into a planter. Randall has grown up to be a hair-dresser. Back to Mitchell.

Mitch tried out for the Northern, Colorado football team and, much to his delight made the team as the backup punter. Making the team was the biggest thing to happen to him since his first ‘woody.’ As hard as he tried, worked and practiced, Mitchell couldn’t make the first team. Some speculated that his punting average of 5-yards might have had something to do with it.

Young Master Cozad decided to take things in his own hands – he was determined to become the staring punter. He didn’t start taking steroids or growth hormones; he refused to do anything illegal on his quest. Well, almost anything illegal. What he did was he stabbed the starter in his kicking leg! Our clean cut, young jock is charged with attempted first degree murder and second degree assault and could be sentenced to 48-years in prison if convicted.

When asked why he would try to kill, maim and assault his rival, Mitchell confessed that starting on his college team was the dream of his life. Besides he pointed out that the knife wasn’t ‘that’ sharp. Police did find a framed picture of Tanya Harding in his locker.

So, don’t kvetch about athletes not caring any more. Although suspended from the team and the university Mitchell still follows the Northern, Colorado football team’s progress from his jail cell. This country needs more dedicated young athletes like Cozad and Islamic crazies wouldn’t dare attack us.

SOMETHING IS FISHY!

2006-10-25T13:22:00.000-07:00

Woe is us!

For those of you Klingons who actually believe that the world is in as wonderful shape as a Weight Watchers’ acrobatic team, the Geezer has news. In spite of what you heard from post-med Rush Limbaugh, and the other right wing nutcases, the world is not flat and we are going through global warming among other frightening events. The earth is facing catastrophic possibilities besides the Republicans keeping both houses of Congress.

If things are as sanguine as Neocons want us to believe what is the explanation for the sudden hostile attacks on humans by stingrays? Fish acting like monsters in a Japanese B-film. Is this another plot by cut and run, left-wing Liberals? When most people heard the word Stingray they thought of a souped up car driven by beer-bellied red necks. Most marine biologists who have studied stingrays for years say they are generally docile. Kind of like Amish guppies. Why have they suddenly become as hostile and belligerent as an ex-wife in divorce court?

Within the last few months stingrays have lost their flippers. Are they on steroids and fish growth hormones? Do they hang with Barry Bonds? As everyone knows the “Crocodile Hunter,” Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray that decided to use his heart as a dart board. Perhaps that stingray saw the tape of Irwin dangling his little daughter near a thousand foot croc and wanted to register its unhappiness? Irwin had faced attacks by crocodiles and other lethal species without messing his hair but without warning some angry stingray stung him in his heart with its foot-long barb.

It apparently wasn’t some obscure event – an 81-year-old man was recently attacked by a stingray, which flopped onto his boat and stung him, leaving a foot-long barb in the senior’s chest. He is in critical condition in a Florida hospital. “It was a freak accident,” said the fire Chief. “It’s very unusual that the thing jumped out of the water and stung him. We still can’t believe it.” Marine experts say stingrays reflexively deploy a sharp spine in their tails when frightened. Is that the explanation? “Rays” suddenly have become frightened of the dark and decided to show their displeasure. Nah!

There has to be a more diabolical plot afoot. Is it possible that the Axis-of-Evil has decided to junk nuclear bombs as a threat to western democracies and instead use stingrays as their secret weapon? Do we have new WMDs to worry about? Will the United States invade the waters to keep us safe? I’m going to urge the FBI to intercept stingray’s phone calls. It’s all out war!

So forget your basic al Qaeda, Osama and Islamic Jihadists we are faced with a bigger and more deadly enemy.

OH, BALLS.

2006-10-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

America’s love affair with pious, righteous, holy-than-thou, prudish behavior from officials trying to save the rest of us from damnation is a pain in the ass. Why don’t they just go about their uptight, small minded and trivial beliefs without bothering all of us sinners?

Here is a truism: all males have one thing in common…not their size or shape or color or intelligence…what all of us has are testicles! Show me a man without testicles and I’ll show you Wayne Newton. It seems that the Fort Meyers Beach, Fla. City Council actually voted to bar testicles from the city. I can’t even blame that on Jeb Bush. I’m sure he has his own set probably borrowed from his mother Barbara.

Okay, here’s the story. For the past three years the Surf Club bar has held a charity raising event for the Harry Chapin Food Bank with the wonderful name, The Turkey Testicle Festival. The name is alliterative and named after the terrific folk and country singer Harry Chapin. The festival has raised over $3,000 each year for the local Food Bank. For those of you who have been worrying yourselves sick over whether the “death tax” would be appealed, a Food Bank helps feed needy people. Yes, there are actually needy men, women and children in the good, old U.S of A. Republicans don’t think so but trust the Geezer on this.

Organizers of the Turkey Testicle Festival have had to fight like hell to keep their name. It seems that some members of the City Council were pressured by blue-haired, hare-brained constituents who feared for the island’s virtue and the propriety of the word. “Who cares what the name is,” said the town’s Mayor. “Money is going for a worthy cause.” Obviously, the Mayor has large testicles of his own. The same can’t be said for two Councilmen who said the name was inappropriate for a family island. They asked that testicle be removed from the name and all advertising. These two dunderheads didn’t see the connection between testicles and having a family. “We do have youngsters here. We’re trying to uplift their thinking,” one of the eunuchs proclaimed. These Cotton Mather look-a-likes were voted down and the good name of testicle was upheld – which is something all testicles like to happen to them.

In case this problem crops up in another city – there are more than 12 that host annual events with the name “testicle” – I have a few suggestions in case they want to rename their event to appease the religious right: the old satchels, gonads, melons, mistletoe, maracas, gherkins, family jewels and my personal favorite: “the hanging punching bags.”
If you have any other suggestions please send them on a check for ten thousand dollars made out to the Old Geezer.

MADONNA FOR PRESIDENT.

2006-10-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

I am not one of those Geezers who have an agenda. They were out of agendas when I got to the store. I believe that we should be content with the hand we were dealt in life unless the dealer was named Lucky and wore black and white shoes. The grass in not greener on the other side of the fence especially when you live on the twelfth floor of an apartment building in Omaha, Nebraska. Envy is not a word that you will hear from my mouth since I can’t spell it.

I would hate to be a famous celebrity. Just think about the shallow, empty life they lead while earning tens of millions of dollars a year; surrounded by sycophants who constantly tell them how wonderful they are; fans that worship at their feet; talk show hosts who nod their empty heads at the babble that comes out of their botox lips. Why do people anxiously wait for some big celebrity to do something strange or foolish and then revel in their bad press? Isn’t it possible that Tom Cruise just likes to jump on couches and put down others who take medication? After all he is a Scientologist and knows everything. Mel Gibson seems like a nice guy even though he’s a closet Nazi who hates Jews. Wesley Snipes is being hunted unfairly by the police just because he owes the government 16-million dollars in back taxes which he refuses to pay. Anyone can make a mistake, right? Let’s cut these celebrities some slack and stop beating them up. I don’t think that’s right. Live and let live is the Geezer’s policy.

As an example, I think Madonna is getting a bad rap by the liberal left press. They are so jaded that they are unable to believe that a celebrity would do something out of the goodness of her heart. Everyone is belittling and suggesting that she decided to adopt an African baby as a sleazy publicity stunt. The yellow press claims that she was probably pissed off at the good press Angelina Jolie got by her visits and concern of the plight of African children. I say stuff and nonsense to those suspicious, distrustful press hacks. Did it ever occur to them that maybe Madonna was acting without any thought of publicity? That she really wanted to do something worthy of a star with only one name?

Let’s think about this logically. If this self-effacing, shy, colorless, bashful, and reserved woman wanted some cheap publicity just to further her career she would have pulled out all stops. Instead, she quietly danced with African women, wore a simple designer outfit and brought her own film crew to follow her around. If she was really looking for press coverage – she would have brought her back-up dancers, costume designers and make-up artists with her. Rumors that they couldn’t clear customs are beside the point.

It’s time that we give Madonna the benefit of the doubt. If she chooses to name her new African son, Shecky and enroll him in a Kabbalah pre-school it’s her right and doesn’t prove a damn thing. Good for you Miss or Mr. Madonna as the case may be.

DON'T BE A PUTZ!

2006-10-18T10:18:00.000-07:00

Wanting to keep the Geezer’s readers hip and ‘with it’ I wanted to bring to your attention that Etiquette books are the big rage…especially in England. Most of us gasp at the thought that Emily Post, Willy Post or Post Time can teach us anything about acceptable behavior. Emily was some dried up old broad who had nothing better to do than tell us that it’s fashionable to wear white gloves at all times except when wiping your tush.

There’s nothing wrong with etiquette and proper behavior. Aren’t you tired of being around men and women who are bores, loudmouths, ill-mannered louts and buffoons? I am, although I hate talking about my family like that.

Debretts is a publishing house that has guided Britain’s aristocracy thorough the niceties of meeting royalty, going to the races or eating soup and not using your hands. Since British aristocracy’s reputation has nose-dived faster than a Weight Watcher on a bungee with the average Brit, the publisher has decided to catch up with the times. The first edition of Debritt’s Peerage and Baronetage – known in Britain as the “toff’s bible” was published in 1769, and its tome on manners, Debrett’s Correct Form, has guided high society for decades. However its sales of the book recently were below “1986’s Who’s Who in Bosnia.”

The publishers admit that its new version “Etiquette for Girls” is a sign that the traditional arbiters of civility are catching up with times. They even considered putting out a pop-up version but they chickened out. “It’s a nod to the modern day. We’re pulling Debrett’s out of Victorian times and trying to make it relevant to today,” its editor said as he fixed his powdered wig.

Among the advice it now gives to the modern girl is how to conduct a sleaze-free office fling or a disease-free one night stand, to how to smoke a joint at social gatherings and what to do when you meet a celebrity. Hopefully, offer him or her toke on the joint.

“Avoid dark-alley gropery and unladylike fumbling in the back of a cab,” the guide says on the subject of one night stands. “Discuss the necessaries to avoid planning any love children or disease – which ever comes first – and you’re away.”
On smoking it decrees: “Always use a proper ashtray – never a wine bottle, flower pot, used plates or your date’s lower lip. And avoid allowing smoke to billow out of nostrils or ears. It is inelegant although you will get a big laugh. ”

The editor insists the book is not about sex, lies and partying. The core value of Debrett’s remains – elegance, composure and dignity are all important, whether you are dining with the Queen or cheating on your husband. As an aside, the Queen is known to flick her fag at her husband while picking her royal nose.

I don’t know about you but I plan to rush out to buy this new version of Debretts book on etiquette. Even the Geezer can use a few pointers on proper behavior. “Hey, who farted!?”

MICKEY MOUSE IS HORNY.

2006-10-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

Walt Disney must be turning over in his grave. Actually his ice box. I understand his pillow is some ice cubes. Why should this icon of family values, clean living and innocent fun be upset? Because his name as been soiled as much as a drunk’s underwear.

Believe it or not, some employees at its Paris theme park decided to make some videos simulating sex while dressed as Disney characters. Can you imagine? When the big shots at Disney found out they pushed their bowls of cottage cheese away and screamed, “Golly.” They also “took appropriate action.” What the hell is “appropriate action” at Disney, pulling Dumbo’s ears?

“The behavior show on the videos is inexcusable and unacceptable,” a Disney statement proclaimed. It’s difficult for the Geezer to believe that any executives at Disney know what a sex act is? I’ve heard that all female employees are given chastity belts when they’re hired. The company is more conservative than Karl Rove.

“The video was taken in the backstage area not accessible to visitors.” Duh. Did Disney think that they’d tape in on one of the rides? One of the videos shows Minnie Mouse struggling to free herself as she is fucked in the butt by Goofy while she says, “Go eat a bowl of puke.” That’s’ funny…funnier than any Disney film done in the last ten years. Another shows Mickey Mouse going down on Chip and Dale, the chipmunks. Hysterical. They also show Grumpy, Doc and Sleepy in acts of masturbation.

If Disney had a brain in their furry heads they’d put the tapes out in DVD and outsell Regis Philbin singing Welsh Mining Songs. Since the dicks at Disney fired these creative and funny employees – the kids are thinking of opening a comedy store called, “Tickle my Testicles.”

A NAME IS A NAME IS A.....

2006-10-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

I’m always amazed how men and women choose a name for their newly borns. It must be very difficult and result in many fights. Should they name their child after a relative and if that’s the case, whose relative? I know a mother and father who couldn’t decide and finally settled on naming their son after their apartment building….Worthington Arms Fink.

Since I’ve never had a child the Geezer hasn’t been faced with that problem. My best girlfriend’s parents couldn’t decide and after many stormy discussions resorted to the old “whatever comes out is her name.” They put a load of girl’s names in his hat and swore that whatever was picked was her name. It took 71/2 many years to get used to her moniker.

The reason for all this rambling is that a new phenomenon is sweeping the country. Besides wondering why the fuck we invaded Iraq. It seems that lots of parents are naming their off-springs after their favorite TV shows. Can you believe how crazy that is? Who the hell wants to go through life named, CIS Miami?

A couple in Biloxi, Miss. which in itself should give you a hint at how bright the husband and wife are – decided because the husband is an avid sports fan he would name their son. ESPN Montana Real was born last week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center. “We were the talk of the hospital,” Rusty Real said. “The nurses kept asking my wife if she really was going to let her husband name him ESPN. She said, “Oh, yes or he’ll spit tobacco juice all over me.” Rusty chose ESPN Montana after the sports network and Montana after football legend Joe Montana. It could have been worse, I guess, he could have named his son, Michelle Wei.

Baby ESPN isn’t alone. Three others were cited in a 2005 report on tvocommunity.com about the networks 25th anniversary. They are ESPN Malachi in Pampa, Texas, ESPN Curiel in Corpus Christi, Texas; and ESPN Blondeel in Covington, Louisiana. Notice that all these bizarre names were chosen by southern rednecks. What do you expect from people who think grits is a gourmet dish?

So, to all the Law & Order, Dancing with the Stars and Desperate Housewives out there no jury on earth would convict you if you killed old Mom and Dad.

EGGHEADS ARE BROKEN.

2006-10-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

The Geezer admires smart people. Scientist and educators who spend their entire lives investigating and solving problems. My admiration probably is due to my own stupidity. I’m not being modest – I used to go to elementary school with my cocker spaniel, “Ralph” and “Ralph” graduated while I was left back. In fact he was the commencement speaker at the graduation. A possible excuse is that at age 13 I was holding a pitchfork (don’t ask why) and was hit by lightening. Since that event I haven’t been able to blink my eyes in unison.

Did you ever wonder why the sound that sets your teeth on edge, makes your skin crawl and sends a shiver down your spine is the sound of a fingernail scratching on a blackboard? Most of us wouldn’t think about finding out the cause of that irritating truism. Well, three scientists spent years studying the ‘blackboard’ problem and have finally come up with an answer – the sound’s frequency level. Their research has earned them an Ig Nobel. No, not the Nobel Prize – the Ig Award. This ridiculous annual award given at Harvard University for weird, wacky and sometimes worthless scientific research. The bigger the schmuck the scientist is the bigger is ovation.

Among this year’s winners include a doctor who put his finger on a cure for hiccups; two men who think there is something to the old adage that feet smell like cheese; and researchers who discovered that dung beetles won’t make a beeline into any pile of dung. The dung beetle is particular about the pile of shit they frolic in. Smart eggheads actually waste their time and their school’s research money on projects that men and women wearing straight jackets would find fascinating.

This small event started in 1991 to honor obscure and useless achievements has grown into an international happening. It’s nice to know that the United States isn’t the only country that has brain deprived individuals. The awards are given out by real Nobel laureates. Doesn’t this sound like a show produced by Chuck Barris?

My favorite Ig Award was presented to Dr. Fesmire for his paper called – “ahem.” It’s about the Termination of Intractable Hiccups with Digital Rectal Massage. How the hell does a doctor figure out that the way to end hiccups is by sticking his finger in someone’s bum? Where did he do his research, at gay bars? “It was the treatment of last resort,” said the good doctor. He refused to answer a question about his marriage to the happy patient. The presenter who gave him his award wore rubber gloves. Can you blame him?

Even though you had never heard about the Ig Awards I hope you will look forward to next year’s announcement. The favorite is the scientist who has proven that there never has been a Jewish handyman or auto mechanic.

BREASTS ARE FOREVER.

2006-10-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

There’s an old truism saying, “There’s no honor among thieves.” There’s also one saying, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” Apparently a new saying goes something like this: “There is no honor or honesty in breasts.”

It seems that plastic surgeons in Berlin are up in arms about women patients who decided to run out without paying for their plastic breast enlargement surgery. Talk about tacky. It would have been really ugly and messy if they tried to dash out during the operation. How rude and inconsiderate for these fake-knocker recipients to scam Dr. Adolph out of his fee. As most of us know, Germans have a history of denial. The owners of the Himler Weight Loss Centers insist that the 200 calorie diet they put people on has proven successful before.

These frauleins have more chutzpah than the former defrocked weather man who boasted about purposefully bumping into blind people. The surgeons were so angry that they could have spit their sauerbraten all over their schnauzers but instead of pouting they decided to take action. “The women registered under fake names,” said one of the doctors. “After the operation, which lasted about an hour, they just ran away with their huge plastic boobs!” One of these dishonest cons named “Tanja” went out for ‘fresh air’ after 8,000-euro, or $10,000 surgery to enlarge her breasts. While she was getting her breast implants she decided to have her little Hitler mustache cut off. “She never came back and never paid,” said the embarrassed Doc. Perhaps he should have smelled a rotten schnitzel when “Tanja” had a nametag reading “Helmut.”

Rather than expect the German police to go around checking out all Berlin’s female tits – the doctors furnished the police with pictures of the scam artists’ enlarged breasts. Newspapers published a five-column picture of Tanja’s naked breasts which are now big enough to suckle all of Bulgaria. Sales of the newspapers rose higher than Tanja’s surprised husband’s shmeckle.

Germany’s Ten Most Wanted list now has six pictures of mammarys next to a photo of a Nazi Amish gang-banger. “They’re probably the most unusual wanted posters police ever had.” When she's caught and booked I guess she has to submit to a nipple-print.

Hopefully this disgusting scam will not be imported to the U.S of A. Otherwise all our ‘secretaries’ will be wanted criminals. My ex wouldn’t make the list, she was flatter than a 13-year olds training bra.

ANOTHER CLOWN.

2006-10-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

The Geezer is very impressed. That’s a rare occasion in Geezerland. Haven’t been since I met the guy from Youngstown who has spent his life teaching Latin to cats. There’s a story out of Alameda, California that makes my nipples hard. The last time that happened was when Cher announced her latest retirement.

It seems there is a new candidate running for mayor in that city who has caused some controversy when he threw his hat into the ring. Actually what he threw was a fright wig! Kenneth Kahn who is known professionally as “Kenny the Clown” admits he’s running a long-shot campaign for the City Hall’s top spot. I would think that being the mayor in Alameda is as important as a photographer for Reader’s Digest.

Kahn has not previously run for an elected position before. That in itself should sweep him into office. “People ask me, ‘Do we really want to elect a clown?” Duh! Have the complaining voters in Alameda taken a look at the Governor of California or the people elected to Congress and the White House? I thought it was a prerequisite to be elected. The idiots holding office now belong with Barnum & Bally.

Kahn’s mother said her son doesn’t have a chance, and Sylvia Kahn, a teacher, said her brother’s candidacy is a “mockery of our system.” Does she mean the same system that has brought us nothing but corruption, bad choices which hurt the average citizen and congressman who resign after hitting on teenage pages? That sacred system? With a family like his is it any wonder that Ken Kahn walks around with a fright wig, outlandish costumes and large floppy feet?

George W. Bush has proven that clowns can be elected. Let’s all urge this Alameda funnyman to stick to his guns, pull the trigger and wait for the flag to come out that says “bang.” I’d rather have a registered buffoon in office than the unregistered clowns trying to be re-elected.

I may move to Alameda, Cal. and bring some pig bladders with me. Go for it, Kenny, baby!

AND THE RECORD IS....?

2006-10-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

Men and women who strive their whole lives to call attention to themselves and are so insecure that unless they’re the center of attention they break out in spasms. These egocentric, vain, conceited, dumb, corrupt and pompous individuals turn my stomach. But, enough about Republicans….

Every once in a while we read of characters who are so deranged that their whole reason for being is to get into the Guinness Book of Records. If their feat to enter Guinness was something worthwhile I’d tip my homburg to them – but the ones we hear about are weird, pitiful souls. Is it really that important to be known as the person who ate 300 live chickens in one seating? The fellow in Allentown, Pa.
who did the best impression of Wink Martindale? The lady in Spokane, Washington who has been married 16 times – but to coat trees.

The latest crop of Guinness candidates is nuttier than usual. Lee Redmond’s claim to fame is that she has the longest fingernails in the world. 24-feet, 7-inches. She looks like she has hula-hoops growing out of her fingers. She started growing her nails 27 years ago. Talk about being bored! She has a meticulous routine to keep them in tip-top condition. “I clean them with a toothbrush when they get dirty and always treat them with olive oil and nail hardener.” She still manages to shave her husband daily which is probably why he is ‘suffering’ from Alzheimer’s.
I don’t think the guy is suffering at all; he now has no memory of why he married this nut cake. Lee probably has her nails manicured with an electric hedge cutter.

Believe it or not she has attracted some unusual admirers over the years and once was offered money by some sicko who wanted to nibble her talons. When asked the inevitable question about how on earth she goes to the bathroom, Redmond said, “very carefully.”

A 17-year older from Utah, named Studham joined the ranks of the weird and wacky Guinness record holders with the tallest hair on the planet. “It’s a real icebreaker with the girls,” the teenager said. “It took me five to six years to grow.” His Mohawk hairstyle is 24-inches high. “It takes me an hour to comb.” Obviously he doesn’t have parents or they would have committed him years ago. The only excuse I can think of for his hair is what else can a teen do in Utah?

If these two aren’t enough to hide in a closet here are some of the other characters making the record book: the proud purveyors of the world’s stretchiest skin, narrowest waist and longest ear-hair. My personal favorite is the woman who can pop her eyeballs 43 inches out of their sockets.

Instead of continuing to publish this nonsense I suggest that the editors of the Guinness Book start drinking Guinness stout and never stop. I have a friend who is threatening to enter next year. His claim to fame is that he looks exactly like Keith Richards. If I did I would commit suicide.

THE WORST!

2006-10-02T14:06:00.000-07:00

Every President waits as anxiously, as a street corner hooker looking for a john, to see what historians will say about his years in office. In George W. Bush’s case historians…will throw up. Each occupant of the White House tries to leave some sort of legacy. In Warren Harding’s example it was his fathering many illegitimate children.

George Bush doesn’t even rate that high. Under his leadership western civilization is now in the fight for its life with Muslims. By invading Iraq he has set the west into a never ending battle with terrorist and crackpot religious fundamentalists. All of us have suddenly become ‘infidels’ to billions of Muslims who want to kill us. This faux cowboy has become living proof for that old saying “Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Americans needed him like they do rectal itch.

Besides the horrific mistake of “George’s War,” he has made political division a norm. Civil discourse between both political parties is a thing of the past. Politicians, who under the best of times, are thought to be bottom feeders have now sunk so low in the estimate of voters that “throw the rascals out” may actually happen. The newest incident proving that is the resignation of Rep. Foley of Florida. This Republican congressman was caught sending sexual and inappropriate e-mails to male pages. It turns out he’s a sexual predator and a deviate. The worst thing about this sordid case is that the Speaker of the House and Majority Leader knew about Foley’s ‘inclinations’ and chose to cover it up. Why? Because those political hacks wanted to keep his Republican seat above anything. That Foley was a known degenerate and pedophile was less important than losing his seat to a Democrat. Makes your skin crawl, doesn’t it.

As bad as that seems, even worse, for the country is his stacking the Supreme Court with politically conservative judges. These right wing zealots will probably overturn established laws like Rowe v Wade and the other targets of the arch religious right.

President Bush’s legacy will be; starting an illegal war, lying about it, ruining the economy, giving tax breaks to his wealthy contributors, turning politics into an obscene and ugly fact of life, and making the Supreme Court answerable to the likes of Jerry Fallwell and other born again wackos. Even worse is Bush’s messianic belief that he is right and all opponents are unpatriotic. He actually believes that God told him to invade Iraq. The man is unable to put two sentences together without sounding like a retard. Good going Georgie-Boy.

When they finally publish a list of the ten worst Presidents in our history George W. Bush’s name will be found in all ten spots.

A BAD, BAD DAY.

2006-09-29T14:29:00.000-07:00

If it’s not one thing it’s another. That’s how D’Angelo Lee must have felt. First, his parents gave him a last name first and a first name last. The poor schnook is convinced that his real name is Lee D’Angelo.

Lee, is a former city official in Dallas who is under investigation in an FBI corruption probe. He was forced to resign from the City Planning Commission last year after being targeted in the FBI’s corruption investigation into Dallas City Hall. He was accused of voting on zoning cases where he was a paid consultant and not reporting gifts. He insists that his new Bentley convertible and 100 foot yacht were left at his door step one morning. You’d think that the FBI has better things to do than going after crooked politicians. That’d keep them busy for the next hundred years and leave no time to wire tap innocent people.

Mr. Lee claims that police authorities are pilling on him worse than the New York Giant quarterback goes through every Sunday. He was recently arrested for public intoxication after claiming he was robbed by naked and scantily clad attackers at a male strip club. The incident occurred outside Club Knubian Fantaciez, which was obviously named by his parents. This dance club becomes an all-nude male revue after midnight and that he was bushwhacked by three men, one naked and another in only a towel. He thinks the third man was wearing tutu. When asked if he could describe the attackers he just blushed and whistled.
Lee told police the men threw him out of the club, broke his glasses and stole his wallet, though he later found the wallet minus an autographed picture of Peewee Herman.

Club employees told the cops they removed Lee, who said he was there to pick up women, because he was creating a disturbance. Since there were no women at the male gay club, police doubt Lee’s story. Lee later called the incident “just stupid, really frivolous” and said he was only trying to get his wallet and his pantyhose back.

D’Angelo Lee, or whatever his name is, is convinced that he is just having a bad decade.

SHE CLEANED UP HER ACT.

2006-09-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

One of the great things about New Yorkers is their aloofness. The majority of people living in a Manhattan high rise doesn’t know or talk to their neighbors. It’s just something ingrained with citizens of The Big Apple. Before I moved to ‘lalaland’ I lived in a lovely rent controlled building on the west side of Manhattan and never, ever met anyone in the building. I occasionally would give a quick nod to the people in the next apartment…and they were my parents.

Part of this phenomenon is because many New Yorkers are frightened of becoming a victim of a crime and feel that if they mind their own business and just keep their eyes straight ahead nothing will happen. The people I’m talking about are members of the N.Y. police department.

Because of this background I thoroughly understand the woman in Milan, Italy who wanted nothing to do with the city or anyone around her. She had good reason to be suspicious of everything – it seems she had a bout of influenza 26-years ago and it terrified Carmela so much that she tried to seal herself off from germs by barricading herself in her home and never came out again. Her fear of germs made Howard Hughes look like a greeter at some strip club.

Her plight came to the attention of Italian authorities after her brother, who leaves tinned food outside her front door, called police to say that upcoming medical treatment would prevent him from carrying on. Some speculate that he had gotten two severe hernias from carrying the tons of canned food. He admitted that he had not seen his sister in 10 years. When Italian health officials came to remove the woman from the apartment she has not left in more than two decades they had to don respirators against the stench. One of officials said it was even worse than inhaling a NYC taxi driver.

When they finally broke into the apartment to take her to the hospital they found Carmela, who is in her late 50s, weighing 66 pounds and had hair seven feet long. However, she was wearing eye liner. It seems the eccentric, shy Looney bird had sealed the apartment’s windows with adhesive tape and the shutters jammed shut. Apparently for entertainment she would sit in front of an old radio and watch it. Carmela’s main contact with neighbors has been to shout a single message through her door. “Shut the window on the landing.”

I think that this slightly erratic 55-year recluse should be made an honorary New Yorker. She even looks like some of them who stand in front of Bloomingdale’s and talk to the mannequins.

STRANGE THINGS ARE HAPPENING.

2006-09-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

Do you believe in coincidences? Seemingly illogical events that happen against all odds? There have been many occurrences historically that defy logic and calculations. Very few people know that Sampson, of biblical fame, always dreamed of becoming a jockey and when Delilah cut off his hair he was sitting on a hobby horse. What are the odds of that happening?

These strange events brought about the belief in the occult, ESP, extra terrestrial visitors and that hamburgers cause high cholesterol. Scholars reading the Dead Sea Scrolls have recently discovered that when Moses was supposed to have found led the Jewish people out of Egypt he was actually being fitted at Adelman’s Tallis Shop in Perth Amboy. That when Conrad Hilton, the founder of the hotel chain named after him, foolishly and unexpectedly married Zsa Gabor twice he knew that something horrible, repugnant and embarrassing would occur to his family – and Paris Hilton was born.

The latest strange and mysterious coincidence happened in Westlake, Ohio. A bar waitress checking to see if a woman was legally old enough to drink was handed her own stolen driver’s license, which she had reported missing weeks earlier. To further cloud this incomprehensible story the woman she was ‘carding’ happened to be 85-years old. What unexplainable force drove the waitress to ask this senior citizen for her driver’s license? Eh? “The odds of this waitress recovering her own license defy calculations,” said the police chief.

The 22-year-old waitress called police last week and said she had been handed her own stolen license by a woman trying to prove that she was 21. Even though the woman’s great grand daughter swore that Grandma was old enough for her boilermaker the waitress had a premonition that something wasn’t kosher. The young woman said she had lost her wallet at Moskowitz’s Fiber Glass Company.
When the suspect was arrested at her Senior Citizen’s Home, police found she also had a stolen credit card in the name of Charlton Heston.

These strange occurrences have caused the Geezer to rethink his skepticism about unusual and unexplained incidences. Could it be that there is some ‘force’ that is playing with our sanity? Trying to make us believe in the unbievable? This is a case for Dr. Phil.

AMERICAN ICONS....

2006-09-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

The Geezer is not above or below living and learning. Unusual things really turn me on. For instance: I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. How did she know?

England is a glorious and wonderful country. Many Americans are fascinated by their history, culture and funny way of talking. They have just concluded a government project to catalog the icons which capture the essence of England. More than 350,000 people voted to choose the things that most represent Britain. Can you imagine trying to do the same thing in the U.S.? We can’t get 350,000 men and women to vote in the Presidential election.

The newest icons chosen were: fish and chips, Sherlock Holmes and Monty Python. They joined such icons as cricket, pubs and red double-decker buses on a growing list of England’s national treasures. The first wave of icons included Stonehenge, the FA Cup and the humble cup of tea. Isn’t that extraordinary and admirable? It’s so….British. There are obviously many other potential icons that could be included on this prestigious list. Things like: the Queen’s frumpy wardrobe, buggering boys at school, Camilla Parker Bowles/nee: The Princess of Horse-faces and last but not least – the ever popular monocle.

This is such a wonderful idea that we should adopt it in the States. What and who would you include on America’s icon list? The Blues, Judge Judy, Baseball, hot dogs with everything on it, Las Vegas, the Statue of Liberty, Jerry Springer, the book which has been on the N.Y. Times’ best seller list for two years, “Too Drunk to Jerk Off”, Country/Western music, gangsta clothes, our ‘do nothing Congresses’, Paris Hilton, and the successful new reality TV show, “So You Think You Can Fart.”

Maybe trying to put together an icon list for America isn’t a good idea. We are too diverse and intolerant to agree on anything. But if we did, I would include the mechanic who told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

THIS IS THE CAPTAIN SPEAKING..

2006-09-03T17:16:00.000-07:00

One of my great pleasures in life besides watching a dwarf play ‘Hora Staccato’ on a comb and tissue paper is to discover some self-important person in an embarrassing situation. The ones that consider themselves dignified and great and without them the rest of us would be forced to have intercourse with a pelican for fun. You know who I’m talking about, the men and women whose intellect is a mile wide and an inch deep.

I was tickled about a story out of Ottawa, Canada. I happen to know and love Canada, and in fact, was once given the keys to the city of Oshawa – actually it wasn’t keys it was a snow shovel. Butwhatthehey. I’ll bet all of us are always impressed when seated on airline flight to hear the reassuring voice of the Captain. With their deep, dulcet tones they make everything seem all right. That’s why when one of them screws up it brings me more laughs than a Three-Stooges film festival.

A pilot of a Canadian airliner who went to the washroom during a flight found himself locked out of the cockpit, forcing the crew to remove the door from its hinges to let him back in. Of course, if there had been an Islamic terrorist aboard he could have jimmied the door with his pen knife or box cutters. The incident occurred on a flight from Ottawa to Winnipeg. The regional jet carried 50 passengers and two hijackers.

With 30 minutes of the flight to go, the pilot went into the washroom, leaving the first officer in charge. The pilot denied trying to futz around with the smoke detector while he lit up marijuana. Anyway, when he tried to get back into the cockpit, the door would not open. “The door malfunctioned…this is a rare occurrence, “a spokesperson for the airlines said. She continued, “The crew’s decision to remove the door had been in line with company policy.” Apparently the airline’s policy also permits the crew to change a flat tire while the plane is in the air.

For about ten minutes passengers described seeing the pilot bang on the door, shout epithets in French and communicate with the cockpit through an internal telephone, but being unable to open the door. One passenger said, “It was a bit dramatic but why the hell did he try using the bathroom in first class? We aren’t allowed even if our kidneys are drowning. What’s good for the gander is good for a stupid French pilot.”
The airline stressed that at no time had the plane or passengers been in danger even though the first officer had never flown before.

LITTLE PEOPLE.

2006-09-02T19:42:00.000-07:00

Some people consider me a mean spirited, antagonistic, disagreeable angry Old Geezer. They are lying rat, ignorant bastards! I happen to be a kind hearted, calm, gentle soul who hasn’t been angry since they canceled Punky Brewster…a day that will live in infamy.

Every once in a while somebody or some group says or does something that sets my tail on fire. It has to be something outrageous and hurtful…like canceling Punky Brewster. A female researcher from Princeton University published a paper in the National Bureau of Economic Research that makes me want to shtoop her so hard that her freckles fall off. The bottom line is her paper demeans and pokes fun at you and me. Its purpose is too try and makes us feel incompetent. This woman takes the un-American position that tall people earn more than their shorter counterparts, it’s not only social discrimination that accounts for this inequity – but, get this – tall people are just smarter than their height challenged peers. “Height challenged”!? Do you feel height challenged? Who wants to go through life having to duck as you walk through the golden arches? Look out that you don’t bang your head entering a room with 14-foot ceilings?

What about the accusation that tall people are a lot smarter than normal sized folks? Did the researchers ever hear an NBA basketball star talk? The only words they can get out of their mouths are: “you know, whasup, like, know what I’m sayin’, and mutherfucker.” This is stimulating and adroit conversation? I totally reject the idea that huge, enormous, gigantic and uncouth pituitary freaks
are superior to us munchkins.

But the eggheads that are doing this damn research claim that, “As early as age three- before schooling has had a chance to play a role – and throughout childhood, taller children perform significantly better on cognitive tests.” Other studies have pointed to low self-esteem, better health that accompanies greater height and social discrimination as culprits for lower pay. What is the real purpose of this study? To make normal, average people feel totally inadequate? That’s our wives job.

It’s time you and I stand up on our little, stumpy legs and shout that we are as good as anyone…except maybe Punky Brewster. I’m glad I cleared up the canard that The Geezer gets over-excited. Wait, where are my blood pressure pills?

MIRACLES DO HAPPEN.

2006-08-31T09:50:00.000-07:00

I love miracles. I totally believe in them. It was a miracle that my ex-wife and I stayed together for a year and a half. I’ll never forget our wedding night. I turned to her and huskily said, “Let’s have sex.” She replied, “Tonight?”

There, of course, have been many authenticated miracles. Some skeptics and cynics pooh-pooh them but those poor souls don’t believe in Santa, the Easter bunny or Publisher’s Clearinghouse. One of my favorite miracles is the chap who was able to resume his life after serving 12-years in prison for mispronouncing the word ‘diphthong.’ A lesser man would have come out bitter and angry but not him. It probably helped that he spent his childhood posing as a shepherd to fool his parents.

Many TV evangelists proclaim miracles and offer to send you religious artifacts to prove the miracle. These artifacts aren’t free, my friend, you have to send all of your life’s savings or your first born in order to receive the item COD. The very Reverend Bubba Bubba proudly offered his television audience - all true believers - that if they contributed their gold fillings in order for him to build the Bubba Bubba University/Beef Jerky Stand – he would send them an actual fragment from Jesus’ actual Nehru jacket. How could anybody pass up the offer?

Ye of so little faith like to ridicule and mock seemingly wondrous and astonishing ‘miracles’ that happen every day. Why did you treat that lovely woman in Missoula, Idaho with pitiless taunts when she proclaimed that a homemade jelly donut had the likeness of Joan of Arc…or, Joan Rivers on it? Did you have to minimize her faith and beliefs? What about the 13-year old boy in Texas who swore that Jimmy Swaggert broke into his bedroom and shampooed him? He thought it was a miracle since he was an Orthodox Jew.

For the naysayers among you there is no refuting this miracle. It’s irrefutable and totally amazing. There is ‘proof’ from Kazakhstan, a large, thinly populated Central Asian state where Sunni Islam is the dominant religion follow closely by Druidism, that a chicken in a small village has laid an egg with the word “Allah” inscribed on its shell. How ‘bout them apples? “Our mosque confirmed that it says ‘Allah’ in Arabic,” Bites Amantayeva, a farmer from the village of Stepnoi in eastern Kazakhstan. There were some doubters in his village that thought the inscription on the egg might have been, ‘Ah, Shit this egg hurt my ass.’

It seems that the egg was laid just after a powerful hail storm hit the village. The chicken was probably scared out of its wits by the storm. Do chickens have wits? The farmer insists that he will keep this egg and not try to sell it on eBay.

This astonishing miracle should make you doubters get down on your knees and pray that someone will help you up.

SWELL AND GOLLY!

2006-08-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

Each year corporations and businesses spend millions of dollars hiring focus groups, P.R. firms and media advisors to help them select brand names that will catch on with the public. The success of their products depends on this. Many years ago a major soap company was about to bring out a new laundry soap and they decided to test the name. In that the executives of this soap company were ‘Timmy’s’ who wore brown shoes with white socks and used words like, “golly” and “swell” – and had wives named, “Buffy” and “Muffy” you can imagine how they identified with normal people. They called together a few “New York” types (see Jews) and asked for their advice. The soap company execs proudly unveiled their new soap, “Dreck”. The “New Yorkers” insisted on cash before rendering their advice. When they pointed out to these Babbits that “Dreck” meant shit in Yiddish – and that their advertising campaign would probably go something like this: “I love to wash my clothes in shit.” The “Timmy’s” paid the cash and said, “Golly.”

There are many companies who have successfully packaged and advertised their products. Kentucky Fried Chicken became an instant hit by having a white bearded, white suited, old gentleman as their spokesman. They called him Colonel Sanders and customers ate him up along with the greasy chicken. In truth he was a bum from Brooklyn named, Mendel Goldfarb. MacDonald’s put up their golden arches and is still raking in billions. Bob’s Big Boy decided on a huge sign showing a fat kid on roller skates and the company flourished.

It’s no wonder that entrepreneurs are still searching for that ‘certain thing’ that will help their enterprise become successful. Puneet Sablok, of Bombay, India was about to open a restaurant and knew he had to attract attention to the place. His solution was to name his restaurant after Adolph Hitler. Yes, old Puneet festooned his eatery with Nazi swastikas and pictures of Adolph along with his merry band of murderers. The shop owner of “Hitler’s Cross” thought he had done a bit of all right until the joint opened. Obviously the diaper on his head was wound too tight. When the shit or curry hit the fan there was a storm of protests and people picketing the eatery especially from Bombay’s small Jewish community.. He was shocked and surprised at the reaction. “He realized he made a mistake and listened to reason,” said Elijah Jacob, a community leader. “Some people have wrong conceptions of history and he realized it was not appropriate.” “Once they told me how upset they were with the name, I decided to change it,” Puneet said. “I don’t want to do business by hurting people.” The restaurant serves pizza, salads and pastries so Sablok is thinking of a non-controversial name like, Osama Bib Laden.

I wonder when he discovered his goof if Puneet said, “Golly” or “Oy Vey!”

THE BRITS ARE THE BEST.

2006-08-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

I love the British. I’m a devout anglophile and proud of it. They seem so dignified and elegant. Who else can be comfy in attire like striped trousers, an umbrella and a derby…in bed? They are very droll and occasionally speak a form of English. They’re so classy that some of them even wear contact monocles.

The Brits have affected our culture more than any country including the Bulgaria. Mini skirts, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Twiggy and, of course, their ambassador of good taste - Benny Hill. Americans love England and millions of them visit London every year even though the city is exorbitantly expensive. How expensive? I saw a Saudi Crown Prince send home for more money.

One thing about the British that hasn’t caught on with us Yanks is the food that they eat. Kippers, Clotted Cream, Bangers, Twiglets, Fish fingers (I didn’t know fish had fingers but whattheyhey), Blood Pudding, Finnan Haddie and last but not least – Bubble & Squeak. Be honest would you ever put something called Bubble & Squeak in your mouth? Hell, I’d be afraid to be in the same room with it.

I could go on and on about our British cousins because they make me laugh. Just recently a group of British farmers insisted that their cows have regional accents. Lloyd Green, from southwest England, was one of a group of farmers who first noticed the phenomenon. “I spent a lot of time with my Friesians and they definitely ‘moo’ with a Somerset drawl,” he said, referring to the breed of dairy cow he owns. Now really, cows mooing with accents? Does that mean that cows in Georgia moo with southern accents? Imagine a redneck ‘Bessie’. Would we find some cow in Brooklyn mooing in a New York accent? Sounds kind of silly and weird to me. Are those British farmers trying to pull our Bubble & Squeak?

A scientist who thinks he’s Henry Higgins thinks they are right. “I think it works the same as with dogs – the closer a person bonds with his animals, the easier it is for them to pick up his accent.” If this is true you might find a British Wolf Hound barking in cockney, "Blimey, I feel like bashing the bishop." After you clean out the litter box a pussy cat saying, “Thanks mate.” A professor of Phonetics at University College London insists that this phenomenon has also been found in birds. Can’t wait to hear a parakeet who sounds like Queen Elizabeth. Look like her, yes – but sound like her?

I’m a little dubious about this report from England. Although I’d give a pair of my best spats to hear an English Chihuahua sound like Ringo Star.

OUR TROOPS NEED BREASTS.

2006-08-25T12:42:00.000-07:00

Don’t you love amazing true stories? Stories that stop you in your tracks and make you wonder if someone is pulling a fast one. One of my favorite amazing stories appeared in The Star. The headline was “Parents give birth to a baby wearing glasses. They both have twenty-twenty vision.” Another was: “Man claims that he woke up and found himself running in the Preakness.” Apparently he paid $25.00 for show.

This latest story caught my attention. It comes out of Jerusalem. As everyone knows Israel has been facing attacks from terrorist groups bent on driving Jews into the sea and having them land in Miami. It seems during the recent rocket attacks from Hamas an Israeli woman was hit with shrapnel from a rocket and sustained only minor injuries. Why? Her breast implants saved her life. The shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants just inches from the 24-year-old’s heart. “She was saved from death,” said a hospital spokesman.

Let’s think about this. Many women who have had breast implants try to keep it a secret although a 49 inch breast is tough to hide. Other women proudly point to their new breasts which are usually pointing by themselves. This incident has done more to publicize breast implants than Pamela Anderson. One Hollywood plastic surgeon’s TV ads have him wearing a helmet and promising to save potential implant clients from everything including a nuclear attack.

If breast implants are that strong why doesn’t the Pentagon, which has been criticized for not providing our troops in Iraq with body armor use implants instead? They’re probably cheaper and would take the pressure off the civilians in the Defense Department who obviously are not concerned with our troops being killed. Give every soldier, marine, Special Forces and other troop’s breast implants? They don’t have to necessarily have the implants put in their bodies – they can just wear them outside their uniforms. Can you hear it now, “Hey sergeant I love your new breasts. Can I have a feel?” And think about the Lebanese Islamic insurgents - Since they never see knockers because their women are forced to wear tents, American troops attacking with huge implants will scare the crap out of them. Just think protection and a moral builder in one fell swoop.

If this Israeli yenta can deflect a rocket let’s make sure our troops are given the latest in boobs. This might win a Congressional Medal of Honor for the Geezer. I’d wear it proudly on my right 39-D-Cup.

DON'T MONKEY AROUND.

2006-08-23T19:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever tried computer dating? How about web sites that promise to allow you to meet the “perfect” mate? The problem, of course, that men and women lie about their physical appearance and are disingenuous about their background. I should know, my ‘Profile” on a love web site includes a picture of Paul Newman. Too many of the women I have met look like William Bendix or Johnny Cash. The Geezer has too much class to make a scene – I just grab my heart and call for the paramedics.

In spite of all the horrors and awful experiences that most of us have had with computer dating sites – how else can a man meet a women or visa versa. Hanging around bars is for young people. Can you imagine a gentleman who wears polyester pants and white plastic shoes coming on to some young big busted teen and asking her if she voted for Harry Truman? Come on!

Dating sites fulfill a useful purpose. Obviously there are a lot of con men taking advantage of lonely singles. Take E-Harmony. Despite the gray haired schmuck who fronts their TV commercials the site is as phony as his smile. The nearest women to my home were hairy broads from Bosnia and Uganda. However I’m a guy that believes the glass is a dribble glass but I still keep hoping that there is a Mrs. Geezer out there someplace. I have met many women who cause me to break into spasms and do the Macarena. But, where there is hope there is idiocy. Don’t expect dating service entrepreneurs to give up their businesses – its big business.
Something happened recently that gave me hope. It seems folks in The Hague in the Netherlands have decided to try to use online dating to bring two singles together. The ad reads “Single male (red hair, long arms, interests include hanging in trees and grooming) seeks a female for long-distance relationship and possibility more.’ Their hope is to get these two love boat candidates meeting up in the future to help save the species. Pretty darn heavy, dude.

Zookeepers in the Netherlands are planning to hook up Dutch and Indonesian orangutans over the internet and believe the link could at some stage used as an online dating service where apes could get together to know one another and keepers could work out whether they would be compatible mates. First things first: A romantic dinner for two. “We are going to set up an Internet connection between Indonesia and the Netherlands so that the apes can see each other and, by means of pressing a button, be able to give one another food.” Have they considered the possibility that one of the hairy apes might be an anorexic? What if one of the ‘singles’ has spinach stuck in his or her fangs which turns off the other one? Wouldn't it wild if she asks him for his sign and he says, "Do you come here a lot?"

I hope these matchmakers realize that this fixing males and females up is not a walk in the park although if the two apes walked in the park they might decide to get it on. As a serious advocate of computer dating if the experiment works I promise to bring my next computer date will be overwhelmed with bananas.

THE WORLD IS OVER AS WE KNOW IT.

2006-08-02T17:53:00.000-07:00

The world as we knew it is at an end. It’s over! Not because of global warming or George Bush’s latest speech – a new study of over 1,400 women has turned the world upside down. Remember the song, “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend? Well, buster it ain’t!

According to this scientific account conducted by market researcher TRU – are you ready? – Given the choice, women would opt for tech items rather than luxury items like jewelry or expensive vacations. Has the world gone bonkers? Have women lost their damn minds? This subversive study found that 77% of women surveyed would prefer a new plasma television to a diamond solitaire ring and 56% would opt for the TV over a weekend in Hawaii. My hands are shaking as I write this.

If this is true, why did Marilyn Monroe waste our time singing about diamonds? What has happened to greed and avarice? What has happened to the women who insist on driving cars so expensive that you don’t wash it…you dry clean it? Remember the good old days when girlfriends insisted that their sugar daddy’s wallet had stretch marks. In Beverly Hills does this mean the end of Mercedes back-to-school sales? Will we never find rich housewives buying designer kibble for their dogs?

Christ, this is frightening. This scarifying study also found out that instead of Prada, 86% of women would prefer a new digital video camera to a pair of Prada shoes. Hell, I’d rather wear Prada pumps than have a friggin’ video camera. Where did they find the women in this study? Probably commies. Think: how many women do you know or have met that would actually pick a Toshiba instead of a Harry Winston diamond? Nada!
I hope this study is apocryphal or at least apostrophe. All men are used to the little woman spending money and kvetching that she doesn’t have enough – this will put us into cultural shock. Wanting a thin TV instead of the Hope diamond – where is my ex-wife when I need her?

LOOK AT ME, I'M RICH.

2006-08-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

The Geezer has always hated the phrase “different stokes for different folks’ but alas it’s often true. Different people consider certain things the ‘most important’ thing in the world to them. It can be animal, vegetable or mineral. Doesn’t matter. Whatever that ‘thing’ is they spend more time finding it and more money buying it and showing it off. In the case of my accountant it’s his collection of clip-on-bow-ties. That gives you an idea of how much fun he is…..

I know men and women who devote more energy flaunting their obsession than is healthy. It could be jewelry, fashions, homes, cars, vacations and they can’t wait to bore the rest of us with their recent purchase. They feel this need to show off. Obviously they are so insecure that the ‘thing’ makes them feel worthy and important. Can you imagine spending thousands of dollars on a pair of glasses? And those glasses aren’t worn for vision they are worn for show. A new pair of eyes isn’t worth that much. What about the people who insist on buying expensive sports cars and keeping the sticker price on the window. I’m talking a hundred thousand dollars for autos that get a half-mile to the gallon. Just driving it in to the dealer to ask a question costs more money than the average person earns a year. How about women who wouldn’t be caught dead wearing anything but designer tampons?

I think it’s stupid for a poodle to have a diamond leash; a teen to complain that their stock portfolio has gone down; or a tyrannical celebrity to bitch when their swimming pool isn’t filled with Evian. Everyday life and everyday problems are as foreign to them as a bar mitzvah in Mel Gibson’s house.

To show how far these pampered people can go a woman was recently thrown off a Cathay Pacific flight by armed police. She didn’t threaten to plant a bomb in her martini, or insist that the pilot have an immediate pedicure – those would have been understandable. What she did to cause her removal was to refuse to stow her Gucci handbag under her seat or in the cabin overhead bin. The flight from Hong Kong to Tokyo was delayed for over an hour as the woman contested the cabin crew’s instructions. She wasn’t about to treat her Gucci bag like some piece of luggage. No siree, Bob. This lunatic insisted that the Gucci was her ‘baby’ and she shouldn’t be forced to dirty or crease it. Other passengers clapped when she was finally escorted off the plane.

The woman later apologized and was put on a later flight to Tokyo. While she waited for that flight she bought a pair of sunglasses for 12-thousand dollars, a designer hanky to wipe her tears for 500 hundred, and a bagel with Beluga caviar.

Aren’t you glad that you’re an ordinary type of person who has things in perspective? Wait my butler and upstairs maid who I pay hundreds of thousands a week just called.