THE DRINK'S ON ME.....

The older I get the more cynical I become. The old Geezer will evoke the privilege of many porno stars and refuse to copping to my real age. Suffice it to say, I will admit that President James Buchanan was a terrible dancer. However, I’ve become immune to some of nonsense put out by publicity people and trade groups. After much study I am convinced that there will not be a hurricane, this season, named Hurricane Shlomo. You can bet your yarmulke on that!

A report out of Ithaca, N.Y. aimed at home gardener’s claims that if they don’t want their flowers to tip over droop and hang limp. (Fill in your own genital joke) A Cornell University horticulturist thinks he has the answer: Get the flowers a little tipsy with some hard liquor. When this horticulturist made his announcement he was so soused he was laying on the floor and holding on for dear life. This botany hugger is convinced that if you make your flowers shit faced they will grow stiffer than a man who chug-a-lugs Viagra.

Giving some plants diluted alcohol – whiskey, gin or tequila – stunts the growth of a plant’s leaves and stems but doesn’t affect the blossoms. “I’ve heard of using booze for lots of things…but never for dwarfing plants,” said a senior horticulturist with the National Gardening Association, a Vermont-based organization that promotes plant-based education.

“It sounded weird when I first heard it, but our members say it works. I’m going to try it next year, just for curiosity,” said the same horticulturist. The original study focused on paperwhite narcissus and other daffodils but also had promising results with tulips. I thought narcissus where fancy boys who wore their mother’s clothing.

Intrigued that diluted alcohol might act as a growth retardant, the Cornell scientist began conducting experiments with dry gin, unflavored vodka, whiskey, white rum and gold tequila. He insisted on sampling the booze first and is now a member of A.A. His flowers, however, now sing, “One More For The Road” when he approaches.

I am tempted to experiment with my flowers and plants. The trouble is instead of having a green thumb I once over-watered a pair of shoe trees. But how much can a shot of tequila gold hurt some plastic plants and astro-turf?
Mahalo.