THINK BEFORE YOU THROW IT OUT.

Don’t you just love the Antique Roadshow? Ordinary men and women schlep old pieces of furniture, paintings, jewelry, family heirlooms to the Roadshow to have them evaluated by antique experts. It’s really a blast to watch some over-weight bozo stand there as some over-dressed expert tells him that the wooden bucket in which he kept is dirty jockey shorts is worth tens of thousands of dollars. It’s also fun to see the anger on the face of a person who is convinced that the number painting she bought at some garage sale and ‘just knows’ was painted by some Master – is a fake and isn’t worth spit. I guess the only thing sure about this entertaining TV series is the bottom line for all the people getting hernias bringing their items in, is pure greed. You can see it on their faces. Pissed when they find that their object isn’t worth much and conversely overjoyed when told the useless, dust catcher they wanted to throw out is worth 7-figures. ‘Ain’t greed a grand thing?

I never understood why people buy and keep things they ordinarily wouldn’t give a second thought to. I guess they do, hoping that it might be valuable and they’ll come into a windfall. Be honest, don’t you have things in the house that you haven’t looked at for years and for some sick reason won’t dump? It’s like we’re all squirrels saving nuts for that rainy day. “Spring-cleaning” is not something most of us practice. I have one stinking shoelace…it’s too long and unraveling that I’ve kept in a drawer and refuse to throw out. When will I ever need one shoelace? A red-shoelace, at that? I don’t even own a pair of lace-up shoes. It’s sick.

How many of you have an undershirt that you can’t part with? Seriously. If someone in your family kept a ratty undershirt for years and years wouldn’t you consider committing them? Not so fast, buster. Sotheby’s auction house thinks that just such an undershirt will probably fetch some where between $500,000 and $900,000. Don’t know about you but I’m going through my underwear drawer and putting everything in a safe deposit box. Who know, maybe those slightly stained boxer shorts with Sponge Bob on them could be worth millions.

This beige undershirt, with an “N” embroidered inside the neck and its right sleeve cut short, is expected to bring in over half-a-million pounds next month in London. Why would anybody want to pay tuppence for an old, smelly undershirt? The darn thing only had one sleeve. Gotta figure it’s not gonna do anyone any good unless he’s Wingy Mannone. Turns out it belonged to Adm. Horatio Nelson – the one-armed British war hero. The undershirt is possibly the only piece of the British war hero’s clothing still in private hands….or hand.

Other Nelson relics and rare letters, including a 10-page letter to his mistress Emma Hamilton – yes, Horatio may have had one arm but seems he was a raunchy old devil. Emma rarely asked him to scratch her back. All the Nelson items will be placed on the auction block as part of a collection celebrating the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar. Seems that even though Nelson won most of his naval battles he didn’t come away unscathed. He not only lost his right arm but one-eye in battle. Body parts dropped off the poor guy like hub caps off a ’54 Chevy.

He became a national hero in England after repelling the French and the Spanish in the legendary battle that ended Napoleon’s chances of crossing the English Channel. It can be said he beat Napoleon with one arm tied behind his back. “Anyone who beats the French usually goes down well,” said Michael Grist, the Sotheby’s expert in charge of the sale. The same could be said by most Americans. “In one battle, in one day, he literally saved England. And that’s the reason he’s atop a statue in Trafalgar Square playing poop-catcher for pigeons.

Let’s have a wonderful round of applaud for Horatio Nelson.