DON'T TOUCH MY PUPPY!

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about with Katrina and Rita acting like ghetto Hos battling over Bill Gates’ money belt; an un-winnable war costing billions of dollars and thousands of unnecessary casualties; an economy weaker than a month old teabag; a gallon of gasoline costing as much as a sewer cover coated in Beluga caviar…a new deadly strain of flu has been discovered in 7 states.

It’s a lot worse than the Asian and Hong Kong flu epidemics that hit us each year. It’s possibly more deadly than SARS or Mad Cow disease but scientist aren’t sure since all the mad, or slightly angry cows, haven’t been tested yet. A few pissed off “Moo-cows” have refused to report for utter tests and the commissioner is investigating. Possible suspensions for two games have been threatened.

This new illness is closely related to an equine flu strain. It’s like a first cousin, on your mother’s side, to the H5N1 avian flu that has killed over 100 people in Asia. With the approach of the human flu season and fears about bird flu from Asia many doctors are in a dither…which are uglier than scrubs.

This diabolical illness hasn’t attacked humans yet but scientists aren’t ruling that possibility out. It has chosen to assault the most precious among us – our little furry friends are in danger...not an Italian girlfriend...but little Mookie, Maidel and Fifi-Fifi. Our puppies and doggies.

This new-highly contagious and often deadly canine flu is spreading in kennels and at dog tracks around the country, veterinarians said this week. Immunologists believe the virus mutated from an influenza strain that affects horses and has killed racing greyhounds in seven states and has been found in shelters and pet shops across the country. The extent of its spread is unknown. Veterinarians said it spread most easily where dogs were housed together but that it could also be passed on the street, in dog runs or even by human transferring it from one dog to another. Kennel workers have carried the virus home with them usually in brightly colored gift boxes. As Charlie Callas used to say, “Beware of a stranger bearing brightly colored gifts or an Uzi.”

How many dogs die from the virus is unclear, but scientists said the fatality rate is more than 1% and could be as high as 10% among puppies and older dogs. “This is a newly emerging pathogen,” said one doctor, “and we have very little information to make predictions about it.” This doctor used to work at FEMA before Katrina.

“The hysteria out there is unbelievable, and the misinformation is incredible,” said Dr. Ann E. Hohenhaus, chief of medicine at the animal Medical Center in New York. Dr. Hohenhaus said she heard of an alert from a Virginia dog club reporting rumors that 10,000 show dogs had died. “We don’t believe that’s true,” she said, adding that no dogs in her Manhattan hospital even had coughs…but a few complained about tennis elbow.

Other skeptical veterinarians point out that many afflicted dogs have high fever, very high white blood cell counts and runny noses which force them to carry Kleenex tissues in their mouths.

If this dog flu should spread to humans the doctors warn of the following symptoms: if you find yourself, or any member of your family, with an uncontrollable urge to chase a Frisbee; making circles before you sit down; and insist on sniffing your mate or friends ass before shaking hands you probably have contracted this dread disease.