HEALTH IS DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH!

Life is not easy. No one said it was going to be easy except maybe that redheaded transvestite on the Psychic Hotline. He/she also predicted that Barry Bonds would be paying 6.7% on its 30-year notes.

Each day we are all faced with health issues, economic problems, personal family difficulties, crime, world conflicts, natural disasters and a putting stroke that has gone south. Sometimes it almost gets too much for many of us. Tell the truth, did you ever want to feel that your spirit could leave your body and go make a collect telephone call to Moskowitz’s Fiber Glass Company? I know I have.

Many Americans worry about their health, weight, whether they’re eating the right foods, will they suddenly be struck down with some horrible disease that will turn them into a side-show freak. The only immune people who don’t seem to worry about a damn thing are the radical Islamic suicide bombers. They believe that they will magically end up in heaven. Little do they know that Disneyland has a strict dress code.

Like so many others, for the past two years I have been very health conscious. I watch what I eat, stopped drinking, joined a health club and work out with a muscle-bound trainer four times a week…and am happy to report great progress – on a good day I can actually bend down and touch my waist.

Why are so many of us worried about health and fitness? Isn’t the idea to be a kindly, helpful, considerate, loving human being? Isn’t that the idea? Of course, if you can bench press a Buick Electra it couldn’t hurt.

I just wish that everyone would take a deep breath and calm down about their health. Isn’t it time for most of us to run barefoot through the woods and smell the roses…and the occasional skunk? I, for one, have stopped reading and listening to reports about the latest fad diets, newest home gym equipment, government health studies and interviews with freaks who have lost 300-pounds in two days. Enough is enough. I want everybody to let us alone to enjoy our lives.

Will they? Nah! Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have created a robotic dog that tells you when it’s time for your daily walk. Why the hell doesn’t the MIT scientists stick to doing what they do best –creating weapons of mass destruction? These eggheads plan to recruit their “canine entertainment robot” into the obesity police.

The dog would be connected by radio to the bathroom scales, a pedometer and a personal organizer in which the owner would not his daily food intake, New Scientist magazine reported. Asked “How am I?” the robot would either jump excitedly, play funky music and flash colored lights, or flop down and play a dirge, according to whether its owner has followed his or her diet. Are they kidding? Why doesn’t the lousy robot dog just take a shit on your shoe when you’ve eaten too much? Maybe you could bribe the dog with some kibble laced with speed.

“It is promising to look at mobile robots for defining behavioral change,” computer scientist Tim Bickmore of Boston University’s School of Medicine was quoted as saying. I’ve got news for you, Tim, I don’t need some mechanical pooch to embarrass me into staying in shape…I just have to look in the mirror.

The only good thing about this robot Hitler is that it never needs to be let out or fed. I’m sooooo pissed about this news that I’m going to bury myself in a Boston Cream pie and never come out.