LET'S HEAR IT FOR ORAL SEX.......

Wouldn’t it be silly for you to visit a place that you’re unwelcome at? I’m not talking about your in-laws house.

How about a tiny country that treats visitors that unknowingly break its laws harshly and inhumanely? You’d be pretty dumb to build up their economy with our tourist dollars. This is no third world country run by Islamic, anti-American zealots. It’s a place that Americans flock to just so they can pick up a Rolex cheaply. (Gang-bangers pick up Rolex’s cheaply all the time – they sometimes take the victim’s wrist with it.) I’m talking about Singapore.

I will never go to Singapore and spend my money to buck up its repressive government. If I wanted to be repressed I would have stayed married.

Singapore was founded as a British trading colony in 1819 and its government’s thinking hasn’t progressed past that date. It became independent in 1963 and proceeded to become of the world’s most prosperous countries with strong international trading links. Its per capita GDP equals that of most of the leading nations in Western Europe. Its over 4 million citizens live in this parliamentary republic which is meaner than a pit bull with hemorrhoids. The government has passed hostile social controls on its population and tourists that would have made Devil’s Island look like Club Med.

One of the main reasons for my anger at the colony is that I like to chew gum. Spearmint is a dirty word in Singapore. Chewing gum is against the law in this enlightened country. If you happen to be caught spitting the gum out you can be charged with a capitol offense. Who will ever forget the American teenager who was caught spitting his gum out and was thrown in jail and beaten with canes and sticks in public? The authorities probably would have liked to decapitate him but he was wearing his baseball cap backwards and they couldn’t figure out where his face was. Don’t get me wrong I happen to be in favor of beating most teens as much as possible. They are infuriating, stupid and sloppy. They should be beaten faster than pancake mix at IHOP. Does any country have the right to abuse visitors who are a main source of income? A pox on Singapore’s officials and their thug police.

Among the tough rules governing behavior is Singapore are: Playboy magazine is banned and if anyone is caught with a copy they are immediately made to wear feathers at dinner for the rest of their life. Students who fail to return a volleyball serve are stuffed with crab meat and served to tourists. Any man caught shouting at his pitchfork is turned into a podiatrist. The most intrusive law is the one that bans oral sex. “Whoever voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal,” can be fined and jailed up to 10-years,or even life…which ever comes first. This may be one of the reasons Richard Simmons refuses to visit it.

Recently, Singapore police handcuffed and locked up a U.S. citizen for bringing 58 pornographic DVDs and video CDs into the wealthy city-state. Among the titles were: “Frivolous Lola,” “Copulation Nation” and “Lord of the Whips.” He was charged with possessing uncertified and obscene films and also for singing off-key at a Karaoke bar. After our embassy complained, the importing porno charges were dropped but he still faces a fine of $20,000 or up to six months in prison for singing, “A Boy Named Sue,” off-key at the Karaoke bar. The people in Singapore take “boys named Sue” very seriously.

Due to the negative publicity that Singapore has gotten because of their strict social controls the government is making some attempt to loosen and relax some of their laws. The popular U.S. sitcom “Sex and the City,” can now be seen but only if the viewer uses one eye. The ban had been in affect for 6-years. It’s seems the government doesn’t like the word “sex” – they like to do it but not pronounce it.

The wearing of hush puppies is frowned upon unless worn by a real puppy; and waking someone up while flicking chickens at the foot of their bed is punishable by doing the jitterbug. Singapore’s holier than thou rules and regulations are considered laughable since the colony is used as a transit point for Golden Triangle heroin and is one of the world’s leading venues for illegal money laundering.

Isn’t it time we stop spending our tourist dollars and bucking up the economy of Singapore’s austere and offensive government? Let’s all agree on visiting Lower Slovakia instead. Where you can chew gum without fear of prosecution and if one wants to orally become friendly with a Yak no one cares.

Down with Singapore and up with oral sex!