TAKING A TURN FOR THE NURSE......
Hospitals are not healthy places to be in. They’re no fun…too many sick people around. Why doesn’t some entrepreneur build a hospital for healthy people only? Let the sick people sit in the waiting room? Even though many hospitals have used bright colors to liven up their floors and have personnel wearing chic scrubs…the truth is they’re depressing places.
I don’t like to even visit friends who are in one. The rooms are ugly without any charm. Would it hurt to have barca-loungers or hammocks instead of those dumb hospital beds? I mean, it’d at least be funny if the patient couldn’t control the bed and it kept going up and down endlessly. Kind of like a human accordion. The food in most hospitals would make roaches send out for food. Can anyone explain why nurses on the ward insist on waking you up every two hours at night to ask you dumb questions, like: What is the capitol of Nebraska? “I don’t give a shit, bitch, lemme sleep.”
The other thing that gets me crazy is the need to bring “funny” gifts to someone lying in a bed with tubes coming out of every orifice. I guess it’s our need to try and lighten things up. A child’s coloring books for some octogenarian who is shaking like he has a third rail stuck up his tush; boxes of candy for some poor diabetic; colorful balloons that pop suddenly causing a heart patient to go into a coma; plants sucking the air out of the room of a patient who has emphysema…and the beat goes on. There something very embarrassing about someone calling you by your first name while emptying your bed pan.
All kidding aside hospitals are usually places where a sick person can find peace and quiet. You hope your doctor or surgeon actually has a medical diploma and not from one of those major medical schools in Rwanda, Grenada or Latvia.
What a patient doesn’t need are surprises. That’s what Melvin Reed thought when he went in to a London, England hospital for triple bypass surgery. As he was being wheeled into the operating room he probably hoped that after the operation his eyelids would flutter open and he’d see the ceiling light. Actually, he probably would have settled for just his eyelids opening.
When Melvin woke after the successful operation guess what he saw in his room? Flowers, get well cards, sweet goodies, sure – but what he didn’t expect to see staring at him was his wife Jean along with his wife Denise and his wife Lyndsey.
All of his spouses turned up at the same time, despite Melvin’s efforts to stagger their visits. It didn’t take long for the three women to realize that Reed was a serial bigamist and that they were all married to the same swine at the same time. Bigamy happens to be illegal in Britain. Buggering boys isn’t and royals having long term affairs with horse faced women is considered quite normal.
Reed married his first wife, Jean Grafton, in 1996, then left her without divorcing her. He went on to marry Denise Harrington in 1998, then married Lyndsey Hutchinson in 2003. Obviously, Melvin liked getting married more than he liked getting divorced. I guess he was of the belief that you keep doing it until you get it right.
The Brits frown upon bigamy and the courts dealt with Reed harshly. In spite of wearing a powdered wig the judge threw the book at him. He was given a four-month suspended sentence and ordered to pay $126 in costs. When his last two wives inquired about getting their marriages annulled lawyers pointed out that their marriages were never valid in the first place. That must have made them feel really good.
If Mr. Reed didn’t have to go into the hospital nobody would have been wiser especially his three wives. The moral to this sordid story is stay the hell away from hospitals if you’re sick, a bigamist or a saxophone player.
I don’t like to even visit friends who are in one. The rooms are ugly without any charm. Would it hurt to have barca-loungers or hammocks instead of those dumb hospital beds? I mean, it’d at least be funny if the patient couldn’t control the bed and it kept going up and down endlessly. Kind of like a human accordion. The food in most hospitals would make roaches send out for food. Can anyone explain why nurses on the ward insist on waking you up every two hours at night to ask you dumb questions, like: What is the capitol of Nebraska? “I don’t give a shit, bitch, lemme sleep.”
The other thing that gets me crazy is the need to bring “funny” gifts to someone lying in a bed with tubes coming out of every orifice. I guess it’s our need to try and lighten things up. A child’s coloring books for some octogenarian who is shaking like he has a third rail stuck up his tush; boxes of candy for some poor diabetic; colorful balloons that pop suddenly causing a heart patient to go into a coma; plants sucking the air out of the room of a patient who has emphysema…and the beat goes on. There something very embarrassing about someone calling you by your first name while emptying your bed pan.
All kidding aside hospitals are usually places where a sick person can find peace and quiet. You hope your doctor or surgeon actually has a medical diploma and not from one of those major medical schools in Rwanda, Grenada or Latvia.
What a patient doesn’t need are surprises. That’s what Melvin Reed thought when he went in to a London, England hospital for triple bypass surgery. As he was being wheeled into the operating room he probably hoped that after the operation his eyelids would flutter open and he’d see the ceiling light. Actually, he probably would have settled for just his eyelids opening.
When Melvin woke after the successful operation guess what he saw in his room? Flowers, get well cards, sweet goodies, sure – but what he didn’t expect to see staring at him was his wife Jean along with his wife Denise and his wife Lyndsey.
All of his spouses turned up at the same time, despite Melvin’s efforts to stagger their visits. It didn’t take long for the three women to realize that Reed was a serial bigamist and that they were all married to the same swine at the same time. Bigamy happens to be illegal in Britain. Buggering boys isn’t and royals having long term affairs with horse faced women is considered quite normal.
Reed married his first wife, Jean Grafton, in 1996, then left her without divorcing her. He went on to marry Denise Harrington in 1998, then married Lyndsey Hutchinson in 2003. Obviously, Melvin liked getting married more than he liked getting divorced. I guess he was of the belief that you keep doing it until you get it right.
The Brits frown upon bigamy and the courts dealt with Reed harshly. In spite of wearing a powdered wig the judge threw the book at him. He was given a four-month suspended sentence and ordered to pay $126 in costs. When his last two wives inquired about getting their marriages annulled lawyers pointed out that their marriages were never valid in the first place. That must have made them feel really good.
If Mr. Reed didn’t have to go into the hospital nobody would have been wiser especially his three wives. The moral to this sordid story is stay the hell away from hospitals if you’re sick, a bigamist or a saxophone player.
posted by THE RANTING OLD GEEZER at 7:43 AM
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