BIRDS OF A FEATHER.......

Have you thought about birds lately? I don’t mean those sexy, young English girls in short skirts. Although, I do, think about them all the time. I mean those feathered things that fly around.

In case you don’t think about them, get ready for Pigeon#101. Birds are lacking in manners and common courtesy. Pop and Ma bird obviously were too busy feeding their off springs to teach them etiquette. When you are standing on a street corner wearing a new sports jacket or silk blouse and a bird flies over and makes a deposit on your new apparel – it’s damned rude. Do you think they do it on purpose? “Hey, look at that nice old lady going to church in that new straw hat…let’s make her life miserable. Bombs away!” What can you expect from something that thinks earth worms are a delicacy? And, speaking of pigeons – weren’t we? – did you ever try to step on one? Impossible! Can’t be done. Try it some time and you’ll get arrested for drunken walking.

Some people love our feathered, two-legged, winged friends and keep them in cages. That’s sick. Isn’t the idea that birds are supposed to fly free? Anyway, these lonely poor souls keep some flea infested canary or parrot in a small cage and actually speak to the dumb thing in baby talk. They have as much chance of getting an answer as you do calling any credit card company. They paper the bottom of the cage with the editorial page of a newspaper – like their bird can read. “My Henry loves to read the N.Y. Times.” No, lady, he likes to take a dump on it.” All bird pet owners also put a little mirror in the cage. I guess they think that’ll make their bird less lonely. Any animal – or whatever birds are – that pecks a mirror and thinks it’s a relative is stupid. If I wanted to watch someone look into a mirror all day I’d have married an actress.

Most animals can do something: Dogs can retrieve things, make circles before they sit down and most importantly lick themselves. Oh, to be a dog. Cat’s climb into high spaces and watch you make a fool of yourself, then climb down, let you pet them before they rip your arm apart. They also can meow and swell your eyes up if you’re allergic to them. Smart horses can count to 10 and buck you off breaking a leg or two. I’ll admit fish are kind of stupid but are pretty. Gerbils, we won’t discuss in mixed company.

But, birds are a complete mystery to me. I’m not a big fan. Big deal they fly…so do sissy boys and we don’t keep them in cages unless they happen to be in West Hollywood. There’s a certain arrogance to birds. They must think that the air and sky belong to them. A few days ago I flew up to Seattle, Washington to visit friends. I dislike flying because planes are never on time, the food sucks and the seats are cruel and unusual punishment for anyone but an anorexic. I was informed that the flight would be delayed almost two hours. Why? Are you ready? A bird flew into the plane when it was landing and they had to do a two hour maintenance check for damage.

What the hell was that bird thinking about? Didn’t it see and hear this large aluminum beast approaching? Any bird in its right mind would have avoided the plane but do they have right minds? The thing that really pisses me off is that the bird must have thought that the air was only for birds. “Hey, like, it’s ours, Dude.” So, I had to sit at the airport for two hours and watch overweight, homely people take off their shoes and go through security run by people who couldn’t get a job at McDonald’s. Damn bird.

I wish Congress would pass a law prohibiting birds from flying. Flying isn’t a right it’s a privilege which they don’t deserve. Peewee Herman and Richard Simmons on the other hand, can fly all they want.