Wednesday, July 27, 2005

GOING, GOING, GONE....

The United States is a rudderless country. We’re sailing in circles faster and faster and are bound to crash into ourselves. We have lost our moral compass. Let’s have a big hand for The Ranting Old Geezer for three lousy sailing metaphors.

Have you ever heard of “www.murderauction.com”? Probably not, right? Well, pull up a chair – an electric chair if you’d like.
www.murderauction.com is an auction website for murder memorabilia. Yes, friends there is an actual web site devoted to selling personal items owned by murderers. The site is the brainchild of Tod Bohannon. One must speculate that Bohannon might have been hit by lightening as a child while licking an envelope and “just isn’t right.” Why would anyone try to make money by selling killers’ possessions? It’s the American way, Bubba.

This whole thing is eBay’s fault. Earlier this year they banned the sale of murder-related items amid protests from victims’ rights groups. What was eBay’s loss became Tod’s piggybank. This all came to a head (fill in your own sick joke) when a federal appeals court ordered the government to sell thousands of pages of Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski’s papers and other personal property to the highest bidder, it created an immediate stir in the shadowy collectibles world of “murderabilia.” So, while people wring their hands about Row v. Wade – and what crazy things the Supreme Court might do – another equally bonkers court decided it was important to offer the Unabomber’s shoes, dishes, typewriter, rambling letters – and even his copy of Strunk & White’s “Elements of Style,” to anxious buyers.

One has to ask why any rational person would need to buy one of Kaczynski’s loafers? For the same reason people eat Brussels sprouts or travel to Morocco wearing a cowboy suit hoping to tongue kiss a transmission salesman. People are sicko’s.

A Federal Appeals Court disagreed with the lower court, ruling that the property should be sold to help pay the $15 million in restitution that Ted was ordered to pay his victims. Let the chase begin. Crazies start your engines. Not only will thousands of pages of his rantings be up for auction but – get your checkbook out – an empty peanut butter jar, oatmeal containers, a rock, a plastic container with white clumpy powder and an empty brown envelope marked “autobiography.” I don’t know about you, but I’m going after the white clumpy powder. I already have an empty peanut butter jar that once belonged to Jimmy Swaggert.

Normally, dealers obtain memorabilia from the killers themselves. Wouldn’t you love to sit in on that negotiation? “Come on Pretty-Boy, get real. Some schmuck isn’t gonna pay that much for a lousy machine gun that doesn’t have a hair trigger. I can probably get you more dough for your blood stained spats.”

Some of the items being auctioned off at: www.murderauction.com. are: John Wayne Gacy’s framed Illinois license plate; letters written by Dennis Rader, the BTK killer from Wichita, Kan.; serial killer Ted Bundy’s 1988 Christmas card sold for $1.200, a birthday card sent by Jeffrey Dahlmer for $1,700. (“with original mailing envelope”), and a $99 “blurry photograph” of Charles Manson and his followers at the Spahn Movie Ranch in Santa Susanna Pass. (A nail from the ranch is selling separately for $20 as a “Manson Family Relic.”), letters written by Scott Peterson are selling for up to $500 each; and a few years ago, dirt from Gacy’s crawlspace, where he buried his victims, went for $30 a scoopful. Legend has it that after John Dillinger’s autopsy a fan spent thousands on what was left of him: his eyebrows, a blonde mustache, a lower lip and two cups of armpit hair.

Robert Thompson, a professor of pop culture at Syracuse University, said murder memorabilia has become more popular with the advent of the Internet, which allows freaks to anonymously bid on items around the world. Something else we can blame on the Internet. So it seems that Tod Bohannon is at the forefront of a growing industry. If he ever goes public….BUY! BUY! BUY!