DEARLY BELOVED........

Funeral parlors have an image problem. They’re a tad depressing and not a place you’d pick to visit given a choice. For years movies and television have portrayed funeral directors and employees as pale, dejected, timid, uncomfortable people in black suits who give the rest of us the heebie-jeebies. I guess it goes with the territory. It would be a little bizarre if grieving family members were met by folks in clown outfits with squirt guns and pig bladders.

However, most of us have to admit to chuckling at the thought of a funeral procession running out of gas on the way to the cemetery. Or, seeing a coffin come flying out of the back of a hearse and bouncing down the highway. If, that happened, it would be called, Black Comedy and bring a laugh or two. Wailing, crying and emotional scenes are to be expected but there’s something very reassuring in the old Irish wake concept. Why not celebrate the deceased’s life and remember him or her with laughter and fond memories?

To this end, the Humenik Funeral Chapel in Ohio is trying to change the image of funeral homes. Bless their little heart they’ve taken the concept of resting in peace, seriously. You won’t find coffins at Humenik’s. Owner Joe Humenik opened his own funeral parlor in suburban Cleveland five years ago after spending 10 years in the business. He decided to shake things up. To merchandise funerals the same way he’d promote a motel or amusement park. Make the people want to come and use Humenik’s services. What a guy.

The chapel offers a bedroom-like setting – a bed and two end tables – instead of where the casket would usually be laid out. We’re talking genius here. Joe first tried out the “reposing bed” for someone very close to him – his mother. He had observed at countless funerals how mourners awkwardly approach the casket, said their goodbyes and then ran like a bat out of hell to the seating area. No one likes to approach and look into a casket. Imagine you looked into a coffin and some sick asshole placed a mirror in it for laughs. You’d be looking at yourself and probably have a heart attack. Old fashioned funerals are depressing, unpleasant and barbaric.

When Humenik’s mom was laid out in a reposing bed, people felt more comfortable and stood nearby throughout the visitation. “It was a real phenomenon. People took chairs and were sitting around the bed like they were visiting. It was just amazing,” he said. One mourner commented, “It was like walking into her bedroom. It was just lovely. That’s the way I want to go.” Joe didn’t just fall off a hearse…he realized that he had a winner on his hands.

There is no limit to what this concept portends for the funeral business. Grieving families can be offered choices of professionally decorated “reposing rooms.” You could have your basic Danish modern; early American; French provincial; etc. People could be laid out in a favorite chair or recliner. Plasma TVs, expensive stereo equipment playing Sinatra singing, “So long it’s been good to know you,” pool tables, fish tanks and for the golfer, a little putting green.

Backdrops could be placed outside French doors to depict the deceased’s favorite nature scene: Snow capped mountains, ski slopes, beachfront views of white sand and rolling surf, desert horizons, or a penthouse view of Central Park. Once the stiff...ur…I mean…ur…deceased is removed a new backdrop can be added for the next customer. I can imagine an authentic Gold’s Gym set for a weightlifter who bought the farm. He could be laid out on an incline bench with his favorite dumbbells around him. There are no ends to the possibilities.

We all owe Joe Humenik a debt of gratitude and may his reposing bed never need new sheets. Personally, I’d opt for my favorite “reposing bed” – a massage table with a big smile on my face.