BUYERS BEWARE

Have you ever bought anything on eBay? There is almost nothing you can think of that’s not for sale on it. Much of its junk like the original recipe for Jeffrey Dahlmer’s victim tartare. The tadpole found in Momma Cass’s throat. But, if you’re looking for a deal on golf balls or classic Mustangs…eBay is the place to shop. People offer things for sale and schmucks, like us, bid on them. The highest bidder gets the item.

The owners of the web site have no shame. They’ll put anything for sale on eBay. There are no guarantees that the object offered is in good shape or not. Buyers beware. It’s kind of the Las Vegas of flea markets and garage sales combined. eBay is the Gucci of crap, the Neiman Marcus of shit, the Polo of garbage.

Soon after hurricane Dennis hit the Gulf Coast, the popular auction site had hundreds of items of flotsam and leftovers being peddled. It just proves that people will buy anything. Useless or not. A bottle of Hurricane Dennis wind with and inch of rain was offered as a gift to the highest bidder. Someone with a sense of humor or a recent frontal lobotomy patient actually bought the bottle. What annoys me is that she outbid me for it.

Other Dennis souvenirs are: A piece of the mangled metal sign from the Ramada Inn Bayview – the one that nearly sliced through CNN reporter Anderson Cooper who was on the air when the wind finally brought the sign down. Bill O’Reilly of Fox bought it. “We have many little pieces of that sign, and also a large piece of the entire A’s from the Ramada sign…hurry, these pieces from a one-of-a-kind trademark of Dennis will be gone soon,” wrote the seller. The starting bid was 99 cents and by afternoon was $28. The seller could not be reached for comment…he was too busy giggling to talk. I guess someone whose first or last name begins with A is a likely buyer or, more likely, someone who never got an A at school in their life. “I don’t think that’s very nice unless their going to give the money to charity, “said the hotel manager, who can’t believe the hotel’s damaged sign has become so famous. The hotel manager obviously hasn’t lived in America very long.

A dark piece of toast with untoasted words, “Dennis 7-10-05 the Menace!” on it – a play of words on the decade old toasted cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary’s image that fetched $28,000 on eBay last year. The Virgin Mary toast made headlines because the sandwich never grew mold. I’ve never met a virgin who grew mold, have you?

How about a shingle from one of the houses destroyed by Dennis? Need another slightly damaged tree branch? Start your computer. My favorite is a woman’s right slipper, with one of those ugly, fuzzy balls on it, that was found on top of a police cruiser which was blasted off the road.

One sick, unscrupulous fellow is offering a urethra bag blown off an elderly sick person who was watching the Playboy Channel when Dennis struck. What does anybody do with a used urethra bag? Probably try to sell it on eBay.