CHEW ON THIS......
A new study has come out which I love. It contains no scientific data or proof and was funded by the Gum Industry. For years people who chewed gum in public were thought to be “poor white trash”, slobs, and ignorant. You know the type I mean – the people who looked like a cow chewing its cud.
Well, according to this industry sponsored ‘study’ people who chew gun should be admired. It might look dumb to some but in fact it helps improve intelligence. How? The study doesn’t say. Maybe it’s the way a gum chewer has to concentrate to prevent biting their tongue off? Everyone knows that concentration is a sign of intelligence. 3 billion people chew gum. That’s almost as many people as play those idiotic hand held computer games. Can you imagine what would happen to their intelligence if they stopped playing and started chewing them?
Wrigley Gum was the main sponsor of this so-called study. It claims other benefits of gum chewing are: it helps whiten your teeth – guess that’s for the folks who chew Crest gum -, it’s relaxing – not if you happen to step or sit on any -, it contributes to weight loss – I guess that idea must be for those who choke on their gum and go into a vegetative state. Perhaps that’s what happened to poor Terri Schaivo?
In order to get a bigger share of the billions of chewers, gum companies are coming out with new products faster than golf club makers put out new drivers. Can you imagine what would happen if they combined know-how? You could buy a stick of gum that would go 300-yards and land on a dime. Wow.
Expect chocolate gum on the shelves soon. Sounds pretty awful doesn’t it? I wonder if the chocolate comes off on your teeth and causes acne? Will they also have chocolate with almond gum? Rocky Road gum? Some gum maker in Israel is going to market a halva gum. Why not a tzimmis gum?
The most exciting news is that Wrigley is seriously thinking of putting out a Viagra gum. What a great idea. Millions of dysfunctional men can now be helped. One question: How does it work? Do you put the gum on your penis? The gum might get hard but what about your “Johnson”? If you’re just supposed to chew the Viagra gum will your tongue get an erection? Either way, I can’t wait.
It’s refreshing that an industry is willing to spend millions on a study that proves nothing, is useless and is of no benefit to mankind. Kind of what Congress does every day.
Well, according to this industry sponsored ‘study’ people who chew gun should be admired. It might look dumb to some but in fact it helps improve intelligence. How? The study doesn’t say. Maybe it’s the way a gum chewer has to concentrate to prevent biting their tongue off? Everyone knows that concentration is a sign of intelligence. 3 billion people chew gum. That’s almost as many people as play those idiotic hand held computer games. Can you imagine what would happen to their intelligence if they stopped playing and started chewing them?
Wrigley Gum was the main sponsor of this so-called study. It claims other benefits of gum chewing are: it helps whiten your teeth – guess that’s for the folks who chew Crest gum -, it’s relaxing – not if you happen to step or sit on any -, it contributes to weight loss – I guess that idea must be for those who choke on their gum and go into a vegetative state. Perhaps that’s what happened to poor Terri Schaivo?
In order to get a bigger share of the billions of chewers, gum companies are coming out with new products faster than golf club makers put out new drivers. Can you imagine what would happen if they combined know-how? You could buy a stick of gum that would go 300-yards and land on a dime. Wow.
Expect chocolate gum on the shelves soon. Sounds pretty awful doesn’t it? I wonder if the chocolate comes off on your teeth and causes acne? Will they also have chocolate with almond gum? Rocky Road gum? Some gum maker in Israel is going to market a halva gum. Why not a tzimmis gum?
The most exciting news is that Wrigley is seriously thinking of putting out a Viagra gum. What a great idea. Millions of dysfunctional men can now be helped. One question: How does it work? Do you put the gum on your penis? The gum might get hard but what about your “Johnson”? If you’re just supposed to chew the Viagra gum will your tongue get an erection? Either way, I can’t wait.
It’s refreshing that an industry is willing to spend millions on a study that proves nothing, is useless and is of no benefit to mankind. Kind of what Congress does every day.
posted by THE RANTING OLD GEEZER at 7:31 AM
<< Home