BE ALL YOU CAN BE AND THEN SOME......

As a loyal, respectful citizen I am very concerned with the problem that our military seems to have in meeting the volunteer quotas mandated by the Pentagon. For some bizarre reason young men and women aren’t flocking to recruiting offices anymore. Could it be that the mistake of invading Iraq is one of the causes for this volunteer shortage?

Are potential service people backing away from a military that can’t provide those fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan with proper armored vehicles and modern arms in sufficient quantity? Is the possibility of having your balls blown off at any moment a hindrance? Why aren’t young Americans willing to sacrifice their sexual parts in order to help the anti-American diaper-heads form a government that will make Saddam’s look like Sesame Street?

It's obvious that the miliary has a public relations nightmare on their hands. How do you convince youngsters that they should sacrifice their lives because George W. got into a pissing contest with the rest of the world? It would be easier to sell memberships at Tanya Harding's Charm School.

Is the Pentagon’s use of a small clause written in Urdu which allows the military to keep recruits in Iraq longer than was promised one of the reasons people don’t trust the government anymore? Is the forcing of Reserve and National Guard troops to be held in perpetuity another cause of this recruitment problem? Even though many of our troop’s home and private lives have been turned upside down and, in some cases, ruined by their service in Iraq - they were told not to be cry babies and to suck it up. “Stuff happens” said, Don Rumsfeld. He should know as the architect of this debacle.

Isn’t it interesting that not many children of Congress men and women or Senators are serving in Iraq or Afghanistan? Dya think that might be because of the danger?

Since there is a problem in recruiting I have a few suggestions to make it more palatable for potential volunteers.

1) Offer dishes and frying pans to each kid that signs up. ( It worked for banks when they were looking to open new accounts.)
2) How about an autographed tool belt?
3) A personal radio clock and vibrator?
4) A spur once worn by Duke Wayne – who by the way never served in our armed forces. He saved his bravery for films.


Heck, if that good stuff doesn’t bring them in, the military might have to go to the ever popular "Plan-B."

(4) Enlistees will only work 40-hour weeks.
(5) Soldiers can wear anything they like. No more uniforms. Gangster pants are allowed. Rings in noses, ears and bellybuttons are cool. Baseball caps worn backwards are encouraged. In the case of hip-hop orthodox Jews who want to wear their yarmulkes backwards...it might be hard to detect.
(6) Orders don’t have to be obeyed if the soldier doesn’t like them.
(7) Drugs and steroids will be handed out like Snicker bars.
(8) Mentally challenged recruits will skip basic training and immediately enter OCS. Those blinking, drooling and unable to stop giggling will be encouraged to run for Congress.

I hope the White House and Pentagon take these suggestions seriously. They now admit that we might be stuck in Iraq for another ten years. Who knows? By then we might even find a weapon of mass destruction or a link between Saddam and 9-11. Breathe in and smell Viet Nam.