WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?

The next time some gorgeous woman comes over to you at a bar and asks “What’s your sign?” don’t tell her. She might be with an Insurance Company or a traffic cop in drag. It seems that your astrological sign has a lot to do with the kind of driver you are. I always thought that yapping on a cell phone while driving, applying make-up and not looking at on coming traffic, or being 90-years old, not able to see above the steering wheel, and trying wheelies in your Ford Bronco might count. Not so. Even if you spot a seeing-eyed dog behind the wheel don’t panic…he might have a good astrological sign.

A new study which ranked car accidents by Sun sign has found a definite link between accident and whether you were born on the cusp. I thought that a cusp was something old cowboys spit their chewing tobacco in. According to this study Gemini’s were found to be the worst drivers. Aren't Orientals?…go figure. Gemini’s typically described as restless, easily bored and frustrated by things moving slowly had more car accidents than any other sign. (My ex-wife must have been a Gemini – she certainly was restless, easily bored and hated that I didn’t move out faster.) No astrologer would argue with the description of the sign of the Twins and this isn’t very surprising news to them.

The other bad driver signs ranked this way:

Second and third place holders for this dubious honor are Taurus and Pisces. Taureans were thought to be obstinate and inflexible while Pisceans could be risk-takers and daredevils. Many astrologers would agree that Taureans can be obstinate and inflexible, but they are also the most introverted and self absorbed of all the signs. Their natural path is to think about their own body – it’s immediate comfort and needs – and to deal with only the most tangible and immediate realities. So, the next time you’re driving and some wacko swerves across the median line, jumps three lanes of traffic and heads for a rest stop – figure that he or she is a Taurus….or, somebody who ate a pork tartare sandwich.

Pisces, in number three position, is the other sign that lives in a world of its own. The study insists that Pisceans can be potential risk takers and daredevils. But, Pisceans are also described the gentle dreamers of the zodiac. They may spend many hours a day in fantasy world, escaping the painful realities of life. Kind of like the schmucks in Washington. They often experience the whole manifest world as an illusion and their presence in it as temporary and of little importance. This detachment from the physical can lead to unconscious feelings of invulnerability or invincibility….hence the daredevil rap.

Can you imagine if a Piscean had a split personality and was part Gemini? The driver could decide to commit suicide by driving off a bridge but if held up in traffic would change his mind, make a u-turn and leap over 100 cars that were lined up…and become a star of a Fox TV reality show..

Capricorns, who came in last on the list, are typically described as patient and careful. “It’s no surprise Caps are the safest behind the wheel. They’re the safest at everything.” They must be the damn drivers that go 30-miles an hour in the fast lane. We can only hope that some crazed Taurean crashes into their rear bumper and beats them to death with a “Support Mental Health” sign. Virgo, Cancer, Aquarius, Aries, Leo, Libra, Sagittarius and Scorpio fall somewhere in between Geminis and Capricorns.

If this study has validity it opens up a can of worms…which might also be a reason some idiot cuts you off and heads for a roadside john. A worm soufflé can do that to a person. From now on, auto dealers should not worry about a potential buyer’s credit. State Motor Vehicle departments shouldn’t concern themselves whether a customer is an illegal alien or has a drunk driving record….ask them for their sign. Let’s keep our streets and highways safe….the next time a motorist pulls up alongside and gives you the finger, don’t blow your stack, just smile and say, “Gemini, right?”