REPORT CARDS MUST BE SIGNED....

The State of California is considering instituting a medical rating system which will allow potential patients to check into a doctor’s background. If put into effect this report card will rate doctors based on previous patients’ experiences, complaints, malpractice history, etc. In other words if a surgeon doing an appendix operation inadvertently leaves his loafer inside the patient before sewing him up – it will be reported on the system. It could be the doc wasn’t aware of the mistake even though he limped out of the OR.

The medical profession is fighting this idea harder than Mike Tyson punched in his last loss. They think it’s unfair that patients have the ability to find out any negative reports on a physician. They much prefer a “don’t ask/don’t tell” system. If a patient didn’t realize that their proctologist needed his nails clipped it’s nobody’s business…even though the poor patient now walks on his tip-toes.

This report card is an interesting idea. Will the doctor’s parents have to sign each report card before it’s handed in? Will there be a “plays well with others” or “can do better” box that can be checked off? Will some offending doctors be left back and have to attend summer school?

What if other professions adapt this grading system? Could be very interesting. Potential clients would be forewarned that an accountant can only add by using his fingers and toes. Pilots who are afraid of heights would be a target. A Policeman who moonlights by singing with The Village People would be listed. Dentists who wear boxing gloves while doing extractions would be on file. Shoe salesman, who insists on sucking a customer’s toes before letting them try on a hushpuppy, would go to the head of the line. Post office employees who don’t pack an Uzi would be in big trouble. Any psychiatrist who wears an aluminum cocked hat and rubber chicken feet will be reported.

This grading system sounds like a winner.