THIS IS UPLIFTING...

What’s wrong with the class of armed robbers we have today? They have no dignity or sense of purpose. Robin Hood was an armed robber but instead of running around Sherwood Forest willy-nilly he robbed only the rich and gave the money to the poor. The opposite of Ken Lay and Bernie Ebbers.

Other world class armed robbers that come to mind, are: Willie Sutton who made bank robbery into an art form. When asked he said he robbed banks because, “that’s where the money is.” There were no Krispy Kreame stores in his day or he’d of spent all his time demanding they fill up his case with fattening, gooey donuts…with or without sprinkles. Dillinger was also a famous robber. His downfall came because of a Sabu double feature. Bonnie & Clyde never got the concept right. They robbed from the poor and gave to the rich.

The Brink’s robbery and Britain’s Great Train Robbery, of course, are the benchmarks for the armed robbery hall of fame.

Brazil should be ashamed of their current crop of bandits. You’d think a country that can put on a fabulous Mardi Gras would have robbers with imagination and pizzazz. Instead of the dolts and dunderheads that make up their underworld. Just the other day in Rio De Janeiro a group of armed bandits robbed a vehicle carrying more than 400 breast implants. It obviously wasn’t a convertible or one of those small, sporty two-seaters. The car had to be big enough to hold 400 breasts. I wonder how the bandits spotted the vehicle? Maybe it had nipples instead of headlights?

Their timing couldn’t have been better. “July is the hottest period of the year in terms of implant sales,” said Margaret Figueiredo, director of silicone implant manufacturer Silimed. She went on to explain demand is the highest in July, during the southern hemisphere winter, as women schedule surgery during the winter school holidays, which precede the beach season. Makes sense. I guess the same must go for penile extension operations.

The popularity of Brazil’s plastic surgery pioneer and trendsetter Ivo Pitanguy, whose clients include celebrities like Sophia Loren (tell the truth, you thought they were real, right?), has made the tropical country one of the leading international nip and tuck venues. Sophia might have been a patient but Twiggy sure as hell wasn’t.

A spokesman for the state Postal Service confirmed that assailants, apparently men robbed the postal van loaded with the implants. I guess they ruled out women robbers because they figured that the women would have been trying the implants on when the police arrived. Each Silimed implants costs nearly $400.

Obviously this was an inside job. Police are looking for some very flat chested woman who works for the Postal Service and is known as “Boobless.” The question that comes to mind is why the robbery? What are the bandits going to do with their loot? Are they going to drive around Rio and try selling the implants out of the back of cars? Garage sales? Flea markets? They probably won’t get much dough if they try to pawn them. Each individual implant bears an individual number so can only be sold for clandestine surgeries. Why don't they just turn themselves in and get the robbery off their chests? Chests, get it?

The quickest way for the police to track down these implants is to check every female Brazilian’s breasts for the incriminating number. Sounds like it might be a fun day job. Any volunteers?