FORGET TURN SIGNALS JUST START SINGING

If you are thinking about taking a long car trip in the near future take notes.

Some of the biggest drags about long auto trips are: “Are we there yet?” roadside pit stops that make pig sty’s look downright clean, lousy food, and overpriced, sterile motel rooms. I have one question. What the hell ever happened to magic finger beds in motel rooms? They were a gas and motel owners decided to replace them with lumpy, swayback beds and pop-up bibles. Wrong. Oh, for the good old days……..

Restaurants on the road offer greasy, unappetizing grub served by someone with a cigarette dangling from their mouth, a stained costume and their hair in curlers…the waitresses don’t look any better. The food can barely be gagged down.

Road maps are also a problem. Most are unreadable and confusing. I especially hate the distance legends that are in inches and not miles. “Don’t worry, honey, we only have one and a half inches more to go.” Come on Auto Club get simple, easy to understand maps that even an idiot like me can comprehend.

Another serious problem with long distance driving is keeping your concentration and not falling asleep behind the wheel. Tens of thousands of accidents each year are attributed to drivers dozing off. If you tried to get a good night’s sleep on a lumpy, swayback mattress – good luck, pilgrim.

There are, of course, different methods to help the driver stay awake. One is to open the driver’s side window and stick your head out. This solution is not recommended when passing a train in a narrow tunnel. The surest way to prevent a driver from dozing off is to have a wife or mother-in-law constantly and loudly kvetch in his ear. That will prevent nodding off but not justifiable murder.

A survey of 1,780 people carried out by the Privilege Insurance Company found 63% of safe drivers – those who had not been in an accident for four years or more – said they listened to music while driving and the music made them feel calmer. Just under a quarter said music aided concentration. I guess if you hire a Dixieland band for the trip you’ll never get drowsy.

Drivers who enjoy sing-along while driving tend to concentrate more and fall asleep less than their silent counterparts. You are warned, however, not to attempt to sing-along any old Perry Como hits. You’ll find yourself snoozing away before you even clear your throat. So, sing-along is the way to go if you find your eyes closing while speeding down some highway. However, this study warns that drivers should avoid overly rousing tunes or complex rhythms which can divert attention away from the road. Forget Puff Daddy tunes.

“Singing while driving stimulates not only the mind but also the body which in turn produces heightened alertness and reduced fatigue,” said Dr. Nicola Dibben, a music psychologist. She claims that music was more effective than silence, conversation or talk radio in achieving an optimal state of alertness. “Singing may be less distracting than conversation because drivers recall words of songs they already know, or because it is fairly easy to learn words to music where it uses repeated lyrics. That, of course, means all modern songs which are usually written by some imbecile who hasn’t learned how to tie his shoes yet. “Motherfucker, Motherfucker, Motherfucker, Motherfucker” obviously is easy to remember but not recommended to be sung to someone you like.

There are problems with the findings in this study. What if the driver can’t carry a tune and can only sing off-key? This could be dangerous especially if there’s someone else in the car. One’s ability to sing off-key is directly related a driver’s chance of being strangled. What if the driver suffers from Alzheimer’s and can’t remember any lyric?…in frustration he might serve off the road and kill an innocent albino dwarf hugging his loafer.

The simplest solution to long distance auto trips is to throw your car keys away and cuddle up on your magic finger bed and forget about it.