R.I.P.

Are you a Law & Order freak? How about American Justice or Cold Case Files? If you answered in the affirmative you’re a crime junkie. You believe that criminals should be treated harshly…like an in-law. No mercy showed.

We’re all sick of some wisecracking nogoodnick, with gun moll in tow, breaking the law and living off the fat of the land. We want them caught and punished. The third degree, good cop/bad cop, the old yellow pages swung upside their heads till they beg for mercy….that’s the ticket.

Legendary lawmen are true heroes. It doesn’t matter if they’re real life cops or fictional ones. The list is endless: Wyatt Earp, Charlie Chan, Miss Marple, Philip Marlowe, Sam Spade, Sherlock Holmes, Dick Tracy, Poirot and my personal favorite, the incomparable Inspector Clouseau. Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Joining the list of these Hall of Fame heroes is a new one – Arnold. No last name…kind of like Liberace, Judy, Frank and Liza with a Z. Arnold was an unlikely hero. He didn’t ask to become involved in bringing some stinking criminal to justice. He was in the right place at the right time. The really amazing thing is that Arnold joined the ranks of the “greats” at the young age of 6-years.

His exploits will probably appear on Court TV or an HBO movie. Rumor has it that Tom Cruise is interested in playing the lead. Sadly, Arnold won’t be around to bask in hero worship. He’s R.I.P. The good die too young. Arnold’s south Minneapolis neighborhood is mourning his death. Yellow ribbons hang from every tree and flowers grace his front door. He won’t be forgotten.

A bit of his history: Arnold the Crime-Fighting Pig died from apparent heart failure. It had nothing to do with his heroic feat. It happened while Arnold was watching an episode of Dangerous Housewives. He became a legend when he foiled a burglary in his home. Arnold earned his prominence after sinking his teeth into one of the two intruders who tried to rob his owner, Becky Moyer, at gunpoint. Did you know pigs have teeth? I just thought chickens did. She had just returned home when the two men confronted her in her garage. When they moved inside, Arnold was sitting patiently by the refrigerator waiting for his dinner.

Becky screamed, and Arnold sprang into action. When he clamped down on the burglar’s leg, the intruders bolted and left behind a puddle of blood. They ran like the cowards they are. “I never dreamed, never dreamed that a pig could be a protector,” Becky Moyer sniffed. “Never.” This brave little porker stepped up to the plate when needed and hit a round tripper.

Moyer received the part-Yorkshire, part-Vietnamese potbellied pig as a birthday present. “I was like, I don’t need this pig,” Moyer said. “I just wanted a night out on the town or a pair of sexy slippers.” She thanks her lucky stars that she kept the great bellied guy.

Keep your guard dogs: Dobermans, German Shepherds, killer poodles – those furry pussies probably would have rolled on their back and wagged their tails at the intruders. Not Arnold, no sireee. He came out fighting and saved the day. I hope he’s in porker heaven and boasting to the other pigs about his exploit.

Let’s all hold our spare rib at half mast and observe a moment of silence for Arnold the Crime-Fighting pig.