HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, TOM.......

One of the great, joyous events in any woman’s life, besides the death of her husband, is the birth of a baby. Women are maternal. They were born to give life. Just watch any Oprah show and you’ll hear healthy women talk about how their bodies are made for child-bearing. “Look at these hips. They’re made for twins.” Actually, she looked like an airplane hanger and they’re made for a 747. When a woman gets pregnant her friends celebrate with a baby shower. It’s not fair. The man who donated his sperm is lucky if his male friends don’t throw up all over his new hush puppies.

Women are constantly talking about their biological clock and the need to have children before it’s too late. If women could accomplish that feat without a man involved – there wouldn’t be a male left on earth. Let’s face it guys, we are pretty useless when it comes to the birth of a child – except for handing out cheap, smelly cigars. When it comes to helping raise an off-spring we are even more useless.
“Wait until your father comes home and finds out you put your sister in the washing machine on ‘spin cycle.’ Just wait.” So, the innocent, poor schmuck opens the front door to face the long suffering wife and kids who hate and fear him. What a deal.

Most women are great at raising children. But sometimes they can take this maternal thing too far. Here’s a good example: With a 3 1/2-month-old baby, Kathy Diekman doesn’t get a lot of sleep at night. Every mother can relate to that. Niko has been with her every night since his birth. Her husband, Tom, has moved to another room to sleep. Sound familiar, guys? “He’s afraid he’ll roll over on him,” Diekman said.

When he was born Niko weighed a little more than a pound and was given only a slim chance of survival. His doctors say Diekman’s nurturing has helped overcome those odds. Niko is a very special baby. I know, everyone thinks that their baby is special, “Look, isn’t that eye in the middle of his forehead adorable?” Niko is a spider monkey, and attaches himself to Kathy’s hair. If she was a bald dame it’d be ‘Katie, bar the door,’ for Niko. He’d have nothing to attach himself to except maybe a mop.

Niko was abandoned at birth by his mother. She decided to run off with a Bulgarian weight lifter. To save the baby’s life, Diekman, the director of Wahpeton, Chahinkapa Zoo in North Dakota…try saying that 3 times fast -- became Niko’s surrogate parent. There were health problems to worry about, including finding the right infant formula for the young monkey. Dr. Tim Matz, the zoo veterinarian, and his staff have handled several late night calls, Diekman said. Why is she bothering Dr. Matz, take Niko to an Urgent Care facility like the rest of us? “There’s a what outside to see me?”

Spider monkeys attach to their mother’s hair for the first year of their lives. “Niko sleeps attached to my head. This fact alone doesn’t bode well for a happy marriage. “Tom, we never make love anymore. Dya expect me to be turned on when there’s a damn monkey hanging from your head?” Zookeepers have to be careful with Niko, as with any human toddler. Coins and other small objects can’t be left lying around. “He does reach out and grab things. We don’t want him putting things in his mouth.”

All this maternal care is well and good but what about Kathy’s husband Tom? Has anyone considered his position in this thing? He’s already been banished to sleep in another room. What about his normal paternal instincts?

Maybe Tom was hoping for a son one day? A kid to share experiences with like playing ball, fishing, hiking, camping, like any normal dad: A son that he could share Father/Son Days with. Instead he winds up with a big eyed monkey? How the hell can he proudly introduce his new son to the other guys? “Hey, fellas, say hello to Niko. Niko get the fuck off that chandelier. Whatdya mean he looks just like me!?”

I feel for Tom Schmaltz. His wife has abandoned him for a spider monkey. If that’s not grounds for divorce I don’t know what is. He should name Cheetah as correspondent. There’s a lesson to be learned here: “spare the banana, spoil the monkey.”