LOVE, HONOR AND NEVER OBEY.

Many cynical people believe the secret to a happy marriage is to remain single. Why would anyone in their right mind deliberately set out to compromise their freedom, independence and liberty by committing to a relationship with someone you barely know? It’s a complicated issue. Fans of marriage claim it’s an institution – critics say so is an insane asylum. In the words of that great romantic Henny Youngman, “Take my wife, please.” Or answer the question of why this book is on the N.Y. Time’s best seller list: “Women are from Jupiter and Men from Hunger.”

These same cynical men and women point out that over 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That’s pretty lousy odds. “Buy this car and you have a 50% chance of not getting into an accident.” Would you? “Ordering this meal will afford you a 50% chance of not getting food poisoning.” Check, please. You get the idea, right? If over half the marriages end in failure what gives us the right to believe we won’t become a statistic?

What does “soul mate,” mean? Men and women constantly say they’re looking for their soul mate. Do they look on eBay? Critics of marriage insist those poor souls searching for a “soul mate,” really mean a husband or wife who will solve all their neurotic insecurities? Will ignore their warts and deficiencies and devote their own life to coddling and being your tooth fairy? The truth is that isn’t going to happen. You want something to make you feel happy, less lonely and to be totally loyal – buy a Chihuahua.

For decades too many couples got married because of lust. They mistakenly thought that sex was enough to keep a relationship together. Not true. What really happens is in a few years, the wife wakes up to see her beer-bellied husband scratching his crotch and letting out a big fart? “Oh, baby, baby, just climb back in bed, stud-muffin, and whip out that purple-headed love machine.” Or, a husband returning from work to find his “bride,” her hair in curlers, 52-pounds overweight watching a soap opera and telling him to get his own goddamn dinner? “No problemo, honey bunny, God, you look so sexy, I’m getting a semi-soft.”

Sex is great and pleasurable. But, it has the shelf life of an open container of milk in Death Valley. Pessimists argue that sex has nothing to do with marriage and if you don’t believe that ask most married men and women. Well, to all those cynical, gloomy, despairing misanthropes I say “stuff and nonsense.” I happen to be a romantic fool who believes in marriage – even though I got married and divorced at the same ceremony.

Is there anything nicer and more comforting than seeing an elderly married couple walking hand in hand to buy more Depends? Sitting on rocking chairs – going back and forth as their dentures fall out? The joy, happiness and support that a long marriage gives people are nothing to be sneezed at. Ah, the memories they can share. Wonderful.

By way of proof, a Japanese man aged 104 and his 103-year-old wife plan to claim the title of the world’s oldest married couple after hearing it was awarded to two Americans aged 23 and 26. Yoichi Gomi obviously stole the cradle when he married Kazono. This couple married 72 years, appeared to have difficulty recalling their ages during a televised news conference in their home town of Yokohama. For those of you curious, the 72 Anniversary is “breathing.”

“You have to have a lot of hope,” said Yoichi, a former civil servant, when asked the secret of living a long life. Prunes every morning also couldn’t hurt. “You have to want to be alive. What we enjoy most is spending time together,” he continued. His wife appeared to shake her head as he spoke. This proves once and for all that wives, even at 103, never agree with their husbands. “You get bored just living such a long time. I don’t enjoy anything any more,” Kozono said.

Reality check time: How many times has a wife said that she didn’t enjoy anything anymore, especially with her husband? Raise those hands.