THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT.

“The Devil Made Me Do It.” Remember that? There are many phrases like that one which people use as an excuse, a cop out for their bad behavior. Rather than take responsibility for doing something illegal or just plain weird like: the guy in Idaho who blew up City Hall to protest the unfair law prohibiting albinos from wearing loafers to the movies…people look for scapegoats to justify their actions.

“If the shoe don’t fit – you must acquit”….why? Maybe the guilty party grew a hammer-toe or the shoe salesman had guzzled a case of Chateau Chihuahua the night before and his eyes had switched sockets – why should we acquit? Just because some shyster uses a catchy and rhyming line doesn’t mean his client’s inability to say the word ‘mackinaw’ in the presence of women shouldn’t excuse his dressing like a Panda. What? Where was I?

People charged with crimes often blame others or ‘things’ for making them do whatever the heck they’re charged with. “It wasn’t my fault. I’d been playing violent video games for a month straight before I carved the story of Dumbo on his nose with jackhammer.” “Watching television all day and singing rap music was responsible for me going to live with a family of beavers.” “If I didn’t go to see the last Adam Sandler movie I never would have shoved my pitchfork up her nose.” What a bunch of wussies. Admit what you did and be man or woman enough to take your punishment.

The worst example of this copping out comes from Gold Hill, Oregon. A 15-year old boy blames the arbiters of class and good taste The Three Stooges for what he did. You heard right – Moe, Curly and Shep are to blame for David Thumier pinching and twisting the nipples of a 13-year old in a local deli. Young David must be one sick kid because the “victim” nipples weren’t even on a girl; they were part of 13-year old Matthew Cox’s chest. Thumier was charged and sentenced to three days of community service for harassment. Any fan of Moe, Curly and Shep should be outraged by this young nipple-twister’s use of their names by way of defense. Shame on him.

David Thumier said the “titty-twister” as just horseplay. Well, any normal 15-year old boy would have at least tried it on a blonde cheerleader named, Ginger, not a 13-year old boy waiting for a corned-beef sandwich. The mother of the victim counters that the incident was humiliating for her son, who saw it as an assault from an older, bigger bully. “They’re not friends,” she said. “If he was my son’s friend, it would be a different thing.” Watch it, lady; you may have given the titty-twister grounds for appeal….right up to The Supreme Court. If it’s okay for friends to twist each other’s nipples, Justices Scalia and Thomas would spend all day doing it.

In addition to the community service, Thumier has been ordered to pay a $67 fine and the misdemeanor has been placed on his permanent record. Wow. If David Thumier is ever nominated for Secretary of State just imagine what Ted Kennedy could do with that information. We’re talking filibuster here.

Ken Chapman, a Jackson County juvenile probation supervisor, said Oregon law defines physical harassments as “offensive physical touching.” That includes such adolescent antics as “wet-willies,” “wedgies,” “swirlies,” noogies” and all other forms of “Three Stooges” behavior, Chapman said.

Moe, Curly and Shep must be turning over in their graves.