FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
People are very weird. No, that’s not the name of a new reality TV show on Fox. It’s a statement of fact. Each day men and women prove beyond any doubt that they are off their tree. They perform or attempt to perform feats or accomplishments that a retarded chimp would turn down. Example: The crippled couple arrested for screwing on a roller coaster.
Do people do these bizarre things for publicity, to enter the Guinness Book of World Records, to be invited on Geraldo’s show or just because they’re bonkers, nuts, and cuckoos? Here are some of my other favorite crazy stunts: the couple whose marriage ended over some parsley; the teenager who tried to suffocate himself by hiding in a large crepe; the rabbi who went crazy believing that someone was rubbing pork on his yarmulke; the young bride who dreamed that some men broke into her bedroom to shampoo her; the who old lady who insisted on screaming, “yikes” and then hitting relatives with a pig bladder; the wannabe impresario who lost his money booking some beavers into Carnegie Hall to sing Barry Manilow. There are others, many others who could make the list.
Why? Is always the question people ask when hearing about ‘today’s’ mind blowing attempted feat. That’s a question I’d like to ask Sonya Thomas who stunned a large audience in Sheboygan, Wis., as she gobbled her way to another speed-eating title. This 99-pound Burger King Manager from Alexandria, Virginia, is ranked second by the International Federation of Competitive Eating. Did you know there actually was a recognized group that sanctions eating contests around the world? They’re like the International Olympic Committee of disgusting food gorging competitions. See what you learn when reading The Ranting Old Geezer?
Here’s what Ms. Thomas did in Sheboygan. Sounds like a vaudeville song, doesn’t it? The woman known as The Black Widow on the competitive-eating circuit downed 35 bratwursts in ten minutes. She edged out her nearest competitor by half a brat to win. “I don’t know where she puts it,” a spectator was heard to say on the way to an upchucking bucket. “I got sick watching her.” Understandable. What isn’t is why this idiot spectator was watching the contest in the first place. The previous bratwurst-eating record was 19 ½ brats in 10-minutes. Sonya Thomas bettered that with one tonsil tied behind her back.
Sonya’s other eating records include ones for hard-boiled eggs (65 in 6 minutes 40 seconds) – she made Cool Hand Luke look like a Karen Carpenter – and chicken wings (167 in 32 minutes). The day before the brat-eating contest, she won a grilled-cheese-sandwich eating contest in San Diego, eating 22 in less time than it takes to say, “More gruel, please, sir.”
Where does this young woman get the money to travel to the various eating-contests? Does she just float from San Diego to Sheboygan like the Goodyear blimp? Does she have an antacid sponsor? Are eating-contests amateur events or is Thomas considered a professional pig? If Ed Sullivan was still alive he’d be introducing Sonya Thomas sitting in his audience. Maybe he’d call her onstage to munch down the McGuire sisters.
Since she obviously spends a lot of time competing in these fressing events when does she have time to work at Burger King? When she was growing up, the Thomas house probably never had garbage. She was the human disposal. Talk about a kid taking her mother’s appeals to eat all her food because kids are starving in Cleveland to heart? She probably attends PA meetings…Pigs Anonymous.
At only 99-pounds one has to wonder how she can pack away all that food without exploding. She probably rests her expanded stomach in a wheelbarrow after each competition. Sonya Thomas must have the best functioning digestive track in history. Like a finely made Swiss watch – which she will be eating next weekend in Zurich. The current record for watch-eating is 86 in twelve minutes. Sonya is determined to beat that with seconds to spare.
After writing this I need a case of Rolaids.
Do people do these bizarre things for publicity, to enter the Guinness Book of World Records, to be invited on Geraldo’s show or just because they’re bonkers, nuts, and cuckoos? Here are some of my other favorite crazy stunts: the couple whose marriage ended over some parsley; the teenager who tried to suffocate himself by hiding in a large crepe; the rabbi who went crazy believing that someone was rubbing pork on his yarmulke; the young bride who dreamed that some men broke into her bedroom to shampoo her; the who old lady who insisted on screaming, “yikes” and then hitting relatives with a pig bladder; the wannabe impresario who lost his money booking some beavers into Carnegie Hall to sing Barry Manilow. There are others, many others who could make the list.
Why? Is always the question people ask when hearing about ‘today’s’ mind blowing attempted feat. That’s a question I’d like to ask Sonya Thomas who stunned a large audience in Sheboygan, Wis., as she gobbled her way to another speed-eating title. This 99-pound Burger King Manager from Alexandria, Virginia, is ranked second by the International Federation of Competitive Eating. Did you know there actually was a recognized group that sanctions eating contests around the world? They’re like the International Olympic Committee of disgusting food gorging competitions. See what you learn when reading The Ranting Old Geezer?
Here’s what Ms. Thomas did in Sheboygan. Sounds like a vaudeville song, doesn’t it? The woman known as The Black Widow on the competitive-eating circuit downed 35 bratwursts in ten minutes. She edged out her nearest competitor by half a brat to win. “I don’t know where she puts it,” a spectator was heard to say on the way to an upchucking bucket. “I got sick watching her.” Understandable. What isn’t is why this idiot spectator was watching the contest in the first place. The previous bratwurst-eating record was 19 ½ brats in 10-minutes. Sonya Thomas bettered that with one tonsil tied behind her back.
Sonya’s other eating records include ones for hard-boiled eggs (65 in 6 minutes 40 seconds) – she made Cool Hand Luke look like a Karen Carpenter – and chicken wings (167 in 32 minutes). The day before the brat-eating contest, she won a grilled-cheese-sandwich eating contest in San Diego, eating 22 in less time than it takes to say, “More gruel, please, sir.”
Where does this young woman get the money to travel to the various eating-contests? Does she just float from San Diego to Sheboygan like the Goodyear blimp? Does she have an antacid sponsor? Are eating-contests amateur events or is Thomas considered a professional pig? If Ed Sullivan was still alive he’d be introducing Sonya Thomas sitting in his audience. Maybe he’d call her onstage to munch down the McGuire sisters.
Since she obviously spends a lot of time competing in these fressing events when does she have time to work at Burger King? When she was growing up, the Thomas house probably never had garbage. She was the human disposal. Talk about a kid taking her mother’s appeals to eat all her food because kids are starving in Cleveland to heart? She probably attends PA meetings…Pigs Anonymous.
At only 99-pounds one has to wonder how she can pack away all that food without exploding. She probably rests her expanded stomach in a wheelbarrow after each competition. Sonya Thomas must have the best functioning digestive track in history. Like a finely made Swiss watch – which she will be eating next weekend in Zurich. The current record for watch-eating is 86 in twelve minutes. Sonya is determined to beat that with seconds to spare.
After writing this I need a case of Rolaids.
posted by THE RANTING OLD GEEZER at 1:25 PM
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