ME CASA IS SU CASA!

Relax. The Old Geezer is back from a week surfing in the French Quarter of New Orleans. Yes, I’m back and ready to go. Let’s chat about real estate.

You’d have to be just coming back from a long honeymoon with a possum to not realize that the real estate market is more inflated than most southern beer drinking, rib-eating rednecks. The prices of houses are higher than Whitney Houston. The average family has as much of a chance to buy a new home as George W. does of doing anything right.

Will the real estate bubble burst? Most experts think it will eventually but they also think that it’s time for another remake of “Bewitched.” As my old aunt, Rapunzel used to say, “Stop telling me to let down my hair, dip-shit.” She was a tough old broad who didn’t take crap from anybody. When some wise-ass, young chicken flicker in, Vilna, came on to her she glared at him and muttered, “Touch me and you’ll never say ‘mackinaw’ in mixed company again!” He became so frightened that he ran away with a circus geek. If you know what any of this has to do with real estate, please call collect……..my number is: 3.

To show you how bad the real estate boom is a new listing just came on the market in London, England. The real estate company Winkworths describes the house as being, “utterly amazing and almost certainly unique.” That’s how they talk in England. They throw around “almost amazing” and “certainly unique” like they were words. In the U.S of A., real estate people boast about “sump pumps that you could die for…views of your neighbor’s outhouse that will be the envy of your friends…close to boarded-up schools and crack houses that you’ll be proud of.” That’s the way to sell. Forget fancy words like “amazing” and “unique.” Can you imagine the average American husband running home and shouting,”Honey, I found something unique and amazing. What, your dick?”

This amazing and unique house is in the Shepherds Bush neighborhood of west London – popular with media professionals and close to the BBC’s headquarters. That should be as much of an inducement as living next to Oral Roberts and eavesdropping on his conversations with Jesus. This amazing and unique house is listed at the bargain price of $933,000.00. Grab those checkbooks and begin writing……

In case you have any hesitations, just listen: It’s known as the “skinny house.” It measures just over 5 feet at its skinniest and 9 feet, 11 inches at its widest point. I can hear you now, “Who would build such an impractical, dumb house that skinny?” How about an anorexic architect? The average NBA center couldn’t lie down on the floor…he’d have to lose 5 inches.

The narrow home is spread over five levels and used to be a hat shop before being converted into living quarters. The former hat makers were noted for their top hats and dunce caps. No wide brimmed bonnets at the skinny house.

The reason it’s five levels is that there’s no room to do anything. Twiggy couldn’t turn around in the bedroom without going outside. The place includes a narrow kitchen just big enough for a salt and pepper shaker. The wee oven can only bake bread sticks. No room for fancy wide frying pans – the toaster can only handle one slice of bread at a time. The kitchen clock only has a minute hand. We’re talking narrow, friends.

Its bathroom features a medium-sized tub that takes up the entire length of the tiny room. In order to take a bath you have to get a running start in the living room and do a half-gainer – degree of difficulty 9-point-6….from the narrow couch. The only way to dry off is to beg someone outside to breathe on you. The house also contains a dining area (for one), reception room – that only the host can stand in…guests must stand on the street to shake hands. It has three bedrooms -- large enough for your average skeleton to sleep in, a dressing room containing a single hanger. A patio and small garden with one gladiola growing in it and a roof terrace which “boast a panoramic view of London’s west.” However, you can only look at the view with either your left or right eye. If you try using both eyes you can be arrested as a peeping Tom.

For those doubting the value of real estate just look at what a bargain the skinny house is. Look. No, damn it you missed it I told you not to blink.