REALITY TV IS DANGEROUS AND STUPID!

Reality television shows are the worst thing to happen to this country since Teresa Brewer declared herself a moral vegetarian – she only eats meat if the animal died in its sleep.

The TV networks have decided to abrogate their responsibilities in trying to program their networks. Instead of putting on intelligent, well written, wonderfully acted adult series they choose instead to take the easy way out – to appeal to the lowest and moronic audiences they can find. What could be more fun than watching people eat worms and perform other tasteless acts? Just imagine John Q. Public and his lovely wife, Yetta, sitting on their barcalounger, swilling beers and laughing non-stop as strangers compete to find out which one of them has the brains of a free-range penguin.

CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox try to outdo themselves by putting on reality series that can only interest nincompoops. If you put the brain of the average reality show viewer in a bumblebee, it’d fly backwards. Fear Factor, Big Brother, Survivor and the other shows get big ratings but so would public executions.

Many of the most successful reality series weren’t even created in the United States. Our networks imported them. They are cheap to produce and get audiences. Gone are the days when network executives actually worked with the creative community to develop quality programs. It’s Dumb and Dumber times four.

Dutch billionaire television producer John de Moi – who makes Chuck
Barris look like a Nobel Laureate – has decided to parley the success he’s had with his show Big Brother – and has created a new reality monstrosity which he claims will test the limits of reality TV. I didn’t know reality TV had any limits. His new series will allow a woman to search for a potential sperm donor to conceive a child. Can’t you just imagine CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox licking their lips waiting to buy the rights to de Moi’s new series?

His new TV station Talpa, launched this month, confirmed it will air a program called, “I Want Your Child…and Nothing Else!” A catchy title in the tradition of Mayberry and All in the Family. “The plan is that we visit potential donors and – of course on camera – decide which man is most suitable,” the 30-year old woman who the program will feature told the media. Just how do this woman and her camera crew make that decision isn’t quite clear. Do they measure his penis, on camera, against other potential penises? Is his school (or prison) record taken into account? Does neatness count? How about the ability to yodel? If someone was going to father my kid I’d check him out real good.

“Afterwards there will be artificial insemination,” said the woman. Is the audience privy to the male’s masturbation into a test tube? I would think what the fellow reads, while playing with himself, might give a clue to the baby’s intelligence. If the guy is leafing through the magazine, “We Kissed and My Balls Exploded,” we might be looking at a 7-foot infant with an oversized head. If the donor is excited by reading Moby Dick…and knowing it’s not a social disease – a normal child might result. Hopefully, we won’t have to wait long before watching this informative TV show on one of the networks.

The show is a one-off competing with four other reality TV shows, one of which follows five former prostitutes starting a café and funeral boutique called, “Death & Things.” Another candidate is “Mass Murderers and Their Pets.” The third show follows a group of mean-spirited men and women who are left on a deserted Island without any food or water – may the best man or woman cannibal win. The last reality show that will be in competition is a reality cooking show featuring recipes that use only poisons and bacterial agents.

After all the potential shows air, Dutch viewers will vote for their favorite program and the one getting the most votes will be turned into a series. Monty Hall is rumored to have been chosen as the American host when it airs here.

So, get those expensive plasma television sets ready. I may start watching radio…….