LET'S PLAY FAIR.

I’ve got news for all you animal lovers out there. Your cuddly, furry friends are as deceitful as an unnamed alcoholic rock star that was forced to retire claiming he was unable to do anything but sing, “Granada” to an imaginary herring.

I’m a little sick of dog owners that speak baby-talk to their flea infested pooches. If their pedigreed poodles were smart enough to understand them, Fifi wouldn’t make a circle before she lay down. All owners boast that their pet gives them unquestioned love – well, bucko, so will a hundred dollar hooker. As for loyalty, companionship and comfort, I suggest they invest in a good sleeping bag. I’ve never heard of one gossiping about anyone or running off with a rich pogo stick. Before you start angrily claiming that I hate dogs, I happen to own a Scottish Deerhound named McTavish. Okay, he’s a stuffed dog but he’s still a dog. What fun McTavish and I have when I take him out for his nightly drag.

I will admit to disliking cats. I’m allergic to them. Don’t you find them too independent? The only way cats seem to show “love” is by meowing and ripping your eye out with its claws. Let’s face it the smell of wet cat litter can cause an ox to become comatose. Fish are boring. They just swim around all day and night and make dumb faces at you. Would you try to have a serious discussion with a guppy about, say, FEMA’s slow reaction to Katrina?

I’m just funnin’ with you. I think pets are great. My problem is with men, women and children who think that all animals are innocent and loving creatures. They’re not. They can be as selfish, cunning, dishonest and sleazy as a mother-in-law. Case in point: an enterprising young killer whale at Marineland.

He has figured out how to use fish as bait to catch seagulls – and has shared his strategy with his fellow whales. Talk about dirty pool. “One day I noticed one of the young whales appeared to have come up with a procedure for luring gulls down to the pool,” said Michael Noonan, a professor of animal behavior. “First, the young whale spit regurgitated fish onto the surface of the water, then sank below the water and waited. When a hungry gull landed on the water, the whale would surge up to the surface and catch a free meal.”

Within a few months, the whale’s younger half brother (how did Marineland figure out he was the half-brother? Maybe they’re the spitting image of Poppa whale. As to figuring out that the second was younger…maybe the first whale began to shave first.) Anyway, he adopted the practice. Eventually the behavior spread and now five whales supplement their diet with fresh fowl.

The capacity to come up with the gull-baiting strategy and then share the technique with others – known as cultural learning in the scientific world – was once believed to be one of those abilities that separated humans from other animals.

Before you begin applauding and cheering these young killer whales for their intelligence, what about the poor sea gulls? The whales seem to be breaking a long established rule between whale and gull. The slightly retarded gull is just following the age old pattern of, “see fish eat fish.” He or she doesn’t expect some smart-ass whale to pop out with a napkin around its snout and go, “Surprise.”

It’s just not fair. It’s unsportsmanlike and allows the youth of today to do anything they damn please. The end justifies the means. Where is the Marquis of Queensberry when you need him? Why doesn’t the young killer whale just thumb the gull in the eye, or hit him below his beak? There should be some committee or organization that the sea gulls can appeal to. Stiff fines or suspension should be the punishment.

This behavior is probably unconstitutional. I’d love to hear Clarence Thomas on this one.