ARE THEY OR AREN'T THEY?

Probably all of you sit around the hearth or at town meetings and discuss the age old question, “how does one become gay?” Is it an acquired habit or is one born gay? Do men and women visit a Gucci sale and instantly become homosexual? Is it the result of listening to too many Barry Manilow CDs? What?

A new study has just been released that is sure to cause great conflict and contentious feelings among religious, conservative homophobics. Not that those homophobic bigots need much to get them upset. At the mere mention of Richard Simmons’ name they begin to foam at the mouth and behave like a roach had crawled into their spleens to die.

When they read the conclusions of this scientific study they will all be able to play a rectal harmonica. The controversial study was put out by the Stockholm Brain Institute and published in the National Academy of Sciences magazine. Swedes are famous for the consumption of herring but not as experts on homosexuality. According to their study, lesbians’ brains react differently to sex hormones than those of heterosexual women. Apparently Lesbians’ brains react like those of heterosexual men. A year ago, this same group reported findings for gay men that showed their brain response to hormones was similar to that of heterosexual women. In both cases the findings add weight to the possibility that homosexuality has a physical basis and is not learned behavior. In other words if you see a butch-like woman riding a Harley and smoking a cigar – don’t fuck with her.

This controversial study is guaranteed to heat up the argument about whether homosexuals are born or decide to become gay because of their love of cashmere. Those that insist that homosexuals are born that way point to the famous graffiti written on some Men’s room wall…it read, “My mother made me a fag.” Someone else wrote under next to it, “Will she make me a V-neck sweater?” So the argument will continue in spite of this new Swedish report.

The research team had volunteers smell chemicals derived from male and female sex hormones. These chemicals are known to trigger responses in most adults. Heterosexual women found the male and female scent about equally pleasant, while straight men and lesbians found the female scent more exciting than the male one. Gay men, however, immediately put on Judy Garland records while sniffing the male scent and began to dance.

The results of this scientific study seem to prove that lesbians and straight men have more in common than previously thought. That includes drooling from the mouth when meeting a Hooter’s waitress. Sissy-boys, on the other hand, would rather sniff a straight man’s jockey shorts than pirouette in a tutu.

Some skeptics say this new study doesn’t mean a damn thing. That it’s all poppycock. Perhaps the answer will never be known about the possibility that homosexuals are predetermined and can’t be blamed on faithful watching of the Ellen DeGeneres TV show.