N OW THAT'S A WIFE.

REMEMBER THAT OLD SAYING, “I WOULDN’T TOUCH THAT (HIM, HER, IT) WITH A TEN FOOT POLE…EVEN IF THE 10-FOOT POLE WAS NAMED STASH?

POLAND AND POLES HAVE BEEN THE SUBJECT OF RIDICULE AND JOKES FOR YEARS. PERHAPS THESE INSULTS WERE UNCALLED FOR BUT WE NEED SOMEONE TO PUT DOWN. IT’S THE AMERICAN WAY.

ANY GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO BELIEVES THAT KIELBASA IS A GOURMET FOOD AND THAT PIROGIES CAN CURE THE HEARTBREAK OF PSORIASIS IS EASY TARGETS. REMEMBER, THE POLISH NATIONAL SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA CONSISTS OF 120 ACCORDIANS. NO WIND, BRASS, STRING OR RHYTHM INSTRUMENTS – JUST ACCORDIANS. GUESS “LADY OF SPAIN” MUST BE THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

JUST IN CASE YOU THINK THAT THE POLES ONLY GET BAD PRESS THINK AGAIN. A CASE IN POINT: JAN GRZEBSKI IS A 65-YEAR OLD RAILWAY WORKER WHO WAS HIT BY A TRAIN 19-YEARS AGO. PERHAPS HE WASN’T LOOKING OR DECIDED TO PLAY CHICKEN WITH THE LOCOMOTIVE. IT WON. HE FELL INTO A COMA FOLLOWING THE ACCIDENT AND DOCTORS GAVE HIM ONLY TWO OR THREE YEARS TO LIVE. I GUESS COMMUNIST DOCTORS THINK BEING HIT BY A TRAIN IS ABOUT AS SERIOUS AS A HANG NAIL.

WHEELCHAIR-BOUND GRZEBSKI CREDITS HIS WIFE GERTRUDE FOR HIS RECOVERY. FOR 19-YEARS GERTRUDE DID THE JOB OF AN EXPERIENCED INTENSIVE CARE TEAM, CHANGING HER COMATOSE HUSBAND’S POSITION EVERY HOUR TO PREVENT BED-SORE INFECTIONS. A WIFELY THING TO DO. SHE ALSO BELCHED BORSCHT AT HIM EVERY NIGHT BEFORE SNUGGLING UP WITH THEIR PET PIG. WHEN JAN MIRACULOUSLY AWOKE HE TOLD EVERYONE HE FELT LIKE A 46-YEAR OLD BOYCHICK. HE ALSO FOUND HIMSELF IN A NEW POLAND. NO LONGER HAD A COMMUNIST COUNTRY AND THAT STORES MORE THAN TEA AND VINEGAR ON THEIR SHELVES. MAYBE DRINKING THE TEA AND VINEGAR CAUSED HIS COMA AND NOT THE TRAIN. HE ALSO AWOKE TO FIND THAT HIS 4-CHILDREN HAD ALL MARRIED AND PRODUCED 11 GRANDKIDS DURING HIS 19-YEARS IN HOSPITAL.

QUESTION: DO YOU THINK YOUR LITTLE WOMAN WOULD BE AS DEDICATED AS OLD GERTRUDE? BE HONEST. NAH!