PEANUTS, POPCORN......
Are you one of those kind-hearted people who constantly bring strays into your home? Someone who never met a dog, cat, bird, turtle or relative that they didn’t like? Is your theme song in life “Me casa es su casa”? I’ve got to say I envy you. Sadly, I’m one of those creeps who doesn’t like many strangers or even people I know well. Some have called me a cantankerous, shallow, miserable, ill-mannered, petulant, misanthrope…and they were my mother and father.
I just have never been comfortable opening my home to others. My wife and six children don’t even have the address of my house. That’s not true but only because I’m not married and don’t have any kids. I, do, however have a double-chin but that doesn’t count.
The reason for all these nosy questions is a notice, I saw, asking folks to adopt a pet. Many of you are probably raising your hands and Doris Day…raising her voice. The most interesting thing about these pets is they don’t have to be housebroken because they won’t fit into your home. Not even Donald Trump could offer one of his palaces…or ex-wife’s mansion to house these needy pets. When she finds out Ivana Trump is going to cry her botox eyes out.
You have to pass a rigid test in order to qualify as an adopted parent to one of these needy animals. Not just anyone can own an elephant especially New Yorkers. I mean, you couldn’t get the darn thing in your elevator. The Ayutthaya Elephant Farm near Bangkok, Thailand is selling about 20 elephants between the ages of 1 and 3 years. I can just hear some of the Geezer’s challenged readers asking, Elephant Farm? Didn’t know you could grow elephants?
Prices start at $48,700 apiece for the beasts which are well-bred (they never fart in mixed company), well-behaved and a source of luck. Now you’re talking…some Vegas casino should buy one and give it to Seigfried & Roy as a pet. There are conditions attached. Only animal-loving Thai nationals boasting bank accounts of at least $243,300 can buy the pachyderms, and potential owners must have sufficient space for the beasts to exercise and mud holes where they can cool off.
Admit it, how many of you have mud holes on your property? Owners will also be tested on their elephant know-how three months after their purchase to ensure their seriousness. I would have thought the 48 grand would be seriousness enough. No way, flunk the test and the farm will buy the animal back from you. I wonder if they’d get a discount – it being a used elephant.
“It is not easy to raise elephants,” said the Farm’s director. They are difficult to hold in your lap and probably not very good at fetching the daily newspaper - eat it, yes...fetch it, no. “According to an old saying, only those who have great prestige and merit can raise them.” Also very large pooper-scoopers! “Post-sale service” will be provided, including the provision of a mahout – a traditional elephant trainer – and victuals to a pachyderms taste. No snacking on candy or Fritos allowed….you wouldn’t want to be near one of these beasts with diarrhea.
The elephant is the de facto national animal of Thailand, and once graced the nation’s flag. The elephant was replaced with Britney Spears. The sale of wild elephants is forbidden by law, but the Dumbos for sale are domesticated, the offspring of an “elephant wedding” held several years ago. Wonder if the bride wore white?
There are about 140 elephants, including calves, at the Elephant Farm, where the animals put on shows and give rides to tourists. The owner of the farm didn’t explain why they were for sale but rumors abound that he was a major stockholder in Enron.
I just have never been comfortable opening my home to others. My wife and six children don’t even have the address of my house. That’s not true but only because I’m not married and don’t have any kids. I, do, however have a double-chin but that doesn’t count.
The reason for all these nosy questions is a notice, I saw, asking folks to adopt a pet. Many of you are probably raising your hands and Doris Day…raising her voice. The most interesting thing about these pets is they don’t have to be housebroken because they won’t fit into your home. Not even Donald Trump could offer one of his palaces…or ex-wife’s mansion to house these needy pets. When she finds out Ivana Trump is going to cry her botox eyes out.
You have to pass a rigid test in order to qualify as an adopted parent to one of these needy animals. Not just anyone can own an elephant especially New Yorkers. I mean, you couldn’t get the darn thing in your elevator. The Ayutthaya Elephant Farm near Bangkok, Thailand is selling about 20 elephants between the ages of 1 and 3 years. I can just hear some of the Geezer’s challenged readers asking, Elephant Farm? Didn’t know you could grow elephants?
Prices start at $48,700 apiece for the beasts which are well-bred (they never fart in mixed company), well-behaved and a source of luck. Now you’re talking…some Vegas casino should buy one and give it to Seigfried & Roy as a pet. There are conditions attached. Only animal-loving Thai nationals boasting bank accounts of at least $243,300 can buy the pachyderms, and potential owners must have sufficient space for the beasts to exercise and mud holes where they can cool off.
Admit it, how many of you have mud holes on your property? Owners will also be tested on their elephant know-how three months after their purchase to ensure their seriousness. I would have thought the 48 grand would be seriousness enough. No way, flunk the test and the farm will buy the animal back from you. I wonder if they’d get a discount – it being a used elephant.
“It is not easy to raise elephants,” said the Farm’s director. They are difficult to hold in your lap and probably not very good at fetching the daily newspaper - eat it, yes...fetch it, no. “According to an old saying, only those who have great prestige and merit can raise them.” Also very large pooper-scoopers! “Post-sale service” will be provided, including the provision of a mahout – a traditional elephant trainer – and victuals to a pachyderms taste. No snacking on candy or Fritos allowed….you wouldn’t want to be near one of these beasts with diarrhea.
The elephant is the de facto national animal of Thailand, and once graced the nation’s flag. The elephant was replaced with Britney Spears. The sale of wild elephants is forbidden by law, but the Dumbos for sale are domesticated, the offspring of an “elephant wedding” held several years ago. Wonder if the bride wore white?
There are about 140 elephants, including calves, at the Elephant Farm, where the animals put on shows and give rides to tourists. The owner of the farm didn’t explain why they were for sale but rumors abound that he was a major stockholder in Enron.
posted by THE RANTING OLD GEEZER at 3:39 PM
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