THE FAMILY TREE

Don’t you love the study of history? Haven’t you ever asked yourself, as Peggy Lee did, is that all there is? Where did we come from? No, ninny, not Cleveland – I mean where did we originate and how did we originate? Do you honestly believe that you and I came from Adam’s rib? Or, his brisket?

If you are curious about mankind’s origins you may have looked up your own family tree to get a better idea of your family’s past. As everyone knows who hasn’t been in a coma for the past century, all politicians should be hung from their family trees. Wouldn’t the world be a better if they were left swinging in the breeze?

I have researched the Geezer family tree and discovered many interesting things. Our family tree stretches back to “merry old England” when a distant Geezer was born in a wayside Inn called, “The Sign of the Schmuck.” The Geezer tree flourished and we are now known hither and yon as one of the world’s leading obscure people.

Recently my interest was peaked by a report in The American Journal of Human Genetics which suggests that DNA has thrown light on the Ashkenazi Jewish population. The Ashkenazi is a very mysterious tribe and their origins have been in dispute for millennia. Among the Ashkenazi mysterious family traits is a sudden urge, in preteens, to do a sudden back flips into a pot of kasha. No one knows why but throughout history one can trace kasha to puberty in pimply-faced Ashkenazis. Female Ashkenazis often unexplainably start dancing with coat trees…and elderly men insist on wearing fake beards in the shower.

According to The Journal of Human Genetics they believe that Ashkenazi communities of Northern and Central Europe were not, as previously believed, founded by men who came from the Middle East, perhaps as traders, and by women from each local population whom they took as wives and converted to Judaism. New evidence suggests that the men and their wives migrated to Europe together. Some one had to do the packing and back donkey driving.

The researchers have concluded through DNA that just four women, who may have lived 2,000 to 3,000 years ago, are the ancestors of the Ashkenazis alive today. This belief is based on mitochondrial DNA. Think about it. Millions of Ashkenazi men and women can be traced to just four females. This information got the Geezer’s mouth salivating more than looking at a plate of herring in wine sauce.

Just who were these four dames, who truly can be called the Mother’s of millions of strange looking people? After going on Google I found out that the four girls were actually sisters. To say that they had loose morals is like saying George Hamilton has a tan. The four had such round heels that they couldn’t stand up without toppling over. Yes, the Bagelmans sisters – that was the family name – Bagelman, not sisters…were an embarrassment to their parents – poor but dumb workers in a local camel wash. The girls named: Bambi, Tootsie, Cookie and Yetta ranged in age from 11 to 16.

Just think an entire tribe of humans can be traced to four slutty and horny sisters. Kind of like ancient Gabor sisters.