STRANGE RELATIVES.

Everyone has a relative or two who has done some strange things. A distant Aunt of mine had a nervous breakdown when her parrot got married. An uncle, on my mother’s side, dreamt each night that some men broke into his bedroom to shampoo him. Well, Osama bin Laden has now joined the ranks of people with embarrassing relatives.

You remember Osama don’t you? He is not someone you’d invite to a Tupper ware party. He’s been voted “Terrorist of the Year” five years running. He’s ugly as spit and has a face no one could love. I think he needs a good enema.

Osama is among 54 children of the late Saudi construction magnate Mohan Laden and his 22 wives. That might be a clue on why Osama is such a putz. He’s never smiled in his life and no wonder. Can you imagine waiting to get served food at that dinner table? The extended family includes several hundred people. Fundamental crack pot Muslims can’t drink, dance or yodel but they sure are allowed to shtoop. Osama was a college graduate in architecture – he must have specialized in CAVES.

If Osama wasn’t pissed off enough at America for trying to fry his ass he now has something else to be upset about. Walfar Dufour, his niece has proudly appeared in GQ magazine scantily clad. Most Muslim women are considered underdressed if they aren’t wearing a full suit of armor. And, rightly so if you’ve ever seen any…they look like the offspring of a mating session between a catfish and an opossum.

Walfour is the daughter of bin Laden’s half brother, Yeslam Binladin who received Swiss citizenship in 2001 and has condemned Osama, “for his hateful convictions.” He intentionally spells his name differently from his half brother. He tried to call himself “Shecky Binladin” but the name was already taken by a Saudi stand-up comedian.

Wafar Dufour, insists she has nothing in common with her wanted terrorist uncle. She isn’t six feet-six inches tall, doesn’t have a beard, wear a sheet and use a tree limb for a walking stick. “Everyone relates me to that man, and I have nothing to do with him. I never baked him a chocolate chip cookie in my life. I want to be accepted here, but I feel that everybody’s judging me and rejecting me,” said the California-born Dufour, a law graduate who lives in New York City. “Where’s the American spirit? Accept me. I want to be embraced, because of my values and yours. And I’m here. I’m not hiding.” She doesn’t explain her insistence on wearing a fake nose, glasses and mustache when she leaves her apartment.

Dufour, who adopted her mother’s maiden name after Sept. 11, 2001, has decided to prove her pro-American feelings, by appearing in severally provocative photos in GQ. In one she’s sprawled on a bed wearing lingerie and a feathered boa. Unnamed Justice Department sources claim that the feathered boa might have been worn by Osama bin Laden during a stay in a gay bathhouse in Paris. In another photo she appears in a bubble bath filled tub.

The pictures are likely to be considered obscene by conservative Muslims in and out of Arabia where women aren’t allowed to bathe. Wafar, who is a musician, was asked if she’d like to perform her music in the Middle East and claimed that her mother wouldn’t allow it – too afraid that “someone would want to kill me.” When asked “before or after hearing her music,” she said took the 5th. In the interview, Dufour says she would not date a fundamentalist Muslim cause, “they’re like dull, yo. I’m looking for a hunky Jewish doctor.”

If a bomb doesn’t finally get bin Laden his niece’s pictures might.