WATCH YOUR HANDS, BUDDY.

Are you a dirty old man….or woman? This is not a trick question so be honest about it. Have you ever looked down an unsuspecting woman’s blouse?
Have you ever found yourself staring at a man’s “bundle” when he wasn’t Tom Jones? Have you ever past a window and paused when you saw a neighbor in their birthday suit? Have you ever “casually” let your hand caress someone’s tush and tried to get away with it? If you answered yes to any of the above or found yourself breaking into a sweat thinking about those times….congratulations, you are a dirty old……………..

The reason for the questions is that once again The Old Geezer, as a public service, is warning you not to travel to Japan if you are a groper or potential groper. It seems the Japanese are serious about stamping out groping in their cities and have laws against it. Sadly, there are no laws against them constantly taking and posing for dumb photographs every second. They’re also Karaoke freaks. Now, if we can only restrict them to taking pictures while they sing – the world would be a better place.

The Japanese police are now using forensic analysis to hunt down gropers on crowded trains and malls by matching fabric fibers from the suspect’s palm with the victim’s clothes. They began applying the method in 2003. Under the technique a special film (again with the goddamn film) is pressed on the suspect’s palm to collect microfibers about a few hundredths of a millimeter. The samples taken are compared with fiber samples from the victim’s clothes on a powerful microscope.

Groping has long been a problem on crowded subways and other commuter trains in big Japanese cities. Passengers are often tightly pressed against each other, an inviting environment for potential offenders. Guess they’ve never been on a NYC subway during rush hour. Hell, 200 women were impregnated on subways last year and didn’t even know it. A record 2,201 cases of groping on Tokyo commuter trains were reported last year. Would you even consider groping the average Japanese woman? Most of them look like a piece of Sushi.

Police in recent years have increased patrolling on trains and platforms to cut the crime and train operators have introduced “women only” cars. If the groper happens to be a transvestite he’s home free. Gropers can be imprisoned for up to seven years, or fined up to around $420.

Let this be a warning to sex crazed Americans visiting Japan. The only way to beat the forensic fiber analysis is, of course, to do the groping when you’re naked.