DEARLY BELOVED.....

Have you lost something recently? I’m not talking about weight or hair I mean something or someone close to you? If some of you have recently gotten a divorce wipe that smile off you face I’m also not talking about happy event. I’m referring to a dear family member or close friend getting a person-to-person call from the Grim Reaper.

Death some say is part of life. It’s inevitable. So is stomach gas but who needs either one? Most of us spend too much time worrying about our mortality. I’m a believer in the philosophy, “It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” There are two things we’re sure of, death and taxes. Now if we could get them in that order! Hundreds and hundreds of books, plays, poems, movies and articles are written about death and dying every few years. Why are we so obsessed with “buying the farm”? How many of you worry about whether there is an after-life? Personally I don’t care unless you can get fried onion rings there.

It’s a given that death can be depressing...especially to the one that’s died. But some wonderfully creative people have thought of some funny things about the subject to lighten up a dreary subject.

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his estate in trust for his bereaved widow? She can’t touch it until she’s fourteen.

Some guy reads the obituaries in the paper every morning.
And he can’t understand how people always die in alphabetical order.

Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

When I die, I want to go just like my grandfather…in his sleep. Not screaming like the other passengers in his car.

Another phrase that all of us hear often is “the good die young.” That was never more true than when I read about the passing of Sam, the tiny dog whose hairless body and crooked teeth earned him a reputation as the World’s Ugliest Dog. The pooch died just short of his 15th birthday. I don’t think there’ll ever be another Sam,” his owner said, adding: “some people would think that’s a good thing.”

“Only a mother could love that face.” Unfortunately for Sam that wasn’t true. His mother took one look at him and ran under the tires of an 18-wheeler. It was the first recorded suicide in the American Kennel Club history. Can you imagine how Sam’s felt when his little brother and sister puppies took an ad out in the papers looking for a hungry hyena to give him to? It can only be hoped that Sam didn’t learn English good enough to understand the horrible insults tossed his way. Was it his fault that he was uglier than spit?

His owner confesses that she was initially terrified of Sam when she agreed to take him in as a rescue dog six years ago. One glance and she immediately tried to donate her eyes to The Lighthouse. Although she fell in love with Sam, his appearance repulsed her then-boyfriend and prompted the man to join the Foreign Legion. Later, Sam became a matchmaker by bringing together his owner and her current beau, who saw a picture of the two on an online dating site. No one has vouched for his mental prowess.

“I feel a little lost ever since he was put down, and I’m sleeping with Sam’s favorite toy – a used condom he picked up and carried home.” There’s a report that Donald Trump, who met Sam on a talk show set has vowed to change his hair style in honor of his passing. Way to go, Donald.