WHAT'S IN A NAME?

Would you like living in a town called, “Morning Sickness,” Washington? How about “Diarrhea,” North Dakota? No chance, right? The name of the city or town that we live in is important. It’s part of who we are. I was born in Brooklyn, New York and was always proud of my home town. Brooklyn had a unique character.

That being said, there’s a countrywide fad going on which seems very strange to a Brooklynite. Towns and cities all over America are up for sale. They are willing to sell themselves to any corporation or business that pays them. What the hell ever happened to civic pride? Can you imagine Hollywood selling itself to the manufacturer of some feminine hygiene spray? Instead of a Hollywood sign we’d have a douche bag.

This fad really started back in the 1950s, when Hot Springs, New Mexico, was renamed Truth or Consequences, N.M., after the popular quiz show. They sold out to a dumb game show. When that show went off the air so did the town. Instead of a name it had a question mark.

This week, Clark, Texas, morphed into DISH, Texas in exchange for a decade of free satellite television from the DISH Network for the town’s 55 homes. They sold out for lousy free cable TV service. Is watching Playboy Channel or the Meat Network worth giving up your name? Across the nation, small communities are being courted by large corporations who say renaming a town provides a marketing buzz that can’t be bought in television ads. Did they ever think that a good product might also bring that same buzz?

Buying a town is a dangerous idea. Where will it end? I can imagine places popping up all over the country named: Nausea, Conn.; Cramps, Vermont; Nosebleed, Ohio; Heat Rash, Oregon; Phlegm, Montana; Prickly Heat, Tenn.; Incontinence, Louisiana; Body Odor, Florida and Heartbreak of Psoriasis, New Jersey. That’s what would happen if drug companies got together to get free publicity for their products and bought some cities in financial trouble.

I’d be embarrassed and mortified if I was living somewhere that didn’t have enough self-esteem and arrogance to tell some corporation to take a hike. That they’re not for sale for anything. Unless this disgusting trend stops, driver’s licenses will say, “take your pick” under address.

It says something about a country when its localities are for barter. Come one come all…just bring your checkbooks. Feh! I will admit, though, that I would move to a place called, Toe Fungus, Florida.