CRIMINALS ARE STUPID.....

Boys and girls come to order. Take out your pads and pens – it’s time for Professor Geezer’s next lesson. The subject of today’s talk is: Criminals are dumb. If they weren’t we wouldn’t be building more and more prisons and jails to house them. If they weren’t stupid they wouldn’t keep getting caught. For those of you who believe that there are some very smart crooks the Geezer must disagree. If they were so smart we wouldn’t know that they were crooks – obviously they have a police record which labels them as law breakers – hence, they are morons just like their brethren. Amen!

For those of you who think there’s something glamorous about gangsters, stuff and nonsense. There is still time for you to repent and save your souls. If you have started dressing like an NBA player – you are half way to sharing a cell with a bald, tattooed biker named, Mongo. I’m talking about you young ladies. Unless you change your ways you will spend time as a “play thing” to a cigar smoking dike.

Boys, throw away those backward baseball caps and flip-flops or get used to acting like a French maid to a group of skinheads. There’s still time for you to get on the glory road and become accountants.

To illustrate how idiotic criminals are…take notes. Two violent felons who escaped from a maximum-security prison prove my point. They hid in a trash truck – disguised as used condoms and made their escape. Before you say anything – no one ever claimed that prison guards were Mensa members. These two dangerous men obviously had no plan besides breaking out of prison. There was no one to meet them, no hidden changes of clothes, no getaway car stashed in the woods – didn’t these two yutzes ever see a Jimmy Cagney prison film?

They were apprehended about 110 miles from the prison at a motel along a busy Interstate. When they checked into the motel they told the clerk that their identification was in their car, and that car had been towed. The dumb room clerk obviously was a former inmate because he believed their cock-n-bull story. Once they got into their motel room they decided they were hungry – and with no cell bars to bang on – they called a pizza joint and ordered one to be delivered.

They put their pinheads together and decided on a plan of action. They told the pizza owner that the door to their motel room would be open, that they’d be taking a shower and he sould leave the pizza on the bed and take the money from the table, and go. It didn’t occur to these Einstein’s that “they’d” be taking a shower might seem a bit strange. When the pizza was delivered the delivery person could see that there wasn’t enough cash on the table. He shouted that he needed more money for the large pizza – hold the anchovies. Suddenly, the bathroom door opened and somebody finally handed another five dollars through the partially open door.

Unfortunately, for the escapees, they still had their prison garb on and the delivery person spotted the orange jump suits with “Columbia Prison Inmate” stenciled on them. He beat a hasty retreat and called the police. The two felons were arrested without incident. There were even a few pieces of the pizza left when they were cuffed. As they were being led away, one of the escapees asked the motel owner if he could get a refund for the room. “Can I get my money back?” He didn’t.

The valuable lesson, dear students, to be learned from all this is – never short-change the pizza deliveryman.