THE SHOW MUST GO ON...BUT DOES IT?

Actors don’t have easy lives. Yes, the successful ones are paid huge sums of money, live extravagant lives, have teams of sycophants doing their bidding, are worshipped by fans…and themselves, and get to go on TV talk shows and make fools of themselves. Maybe they do have easy lives. But, they also have to deal with lack of privacy, paparazzi surrounding them and the possibility, for some of them, that their lack of talent will finally be discovered and they will be forced to get real jobs.

There is also a part of stardom that’s very troubling. Many are dogged by stalkers and mentally insane fans looking to do them harm. There are many cases of celebrities finding “fans” hiding in their homes, sending them threatening letters and necessitating the hiring of bodyguards to protect the star or their family. It shouldn’t come with the territory but it often does. Remember, the kidnapping of Frank Sinatra, Jr.? It turns out that there’s a real possibility that he was kidnapped by his own record company just so they wouldn’t have to listen to him sing again.

London, England has just reported a crime of the century: A horrible kidnapping of one of their new theatrical stars. This talented actress was to star in the opening of a West End theater comedy. She was taken just two days before opening night. London police and Scotland Yard are on the case but don’t hold out hope for the safety of this young actress. No ransom call has been received yet by the dastards who committed this unspeakable act. The producers are willing to pay anything to get “Daphne” back. A reward is being offered – two tickets to the play and an invitation to the opening night party.

“Daphne” happens to be a talented duck who was the leading lady in “Ducktastic” a spoof inspired by show business duo Siegfried and Roy. “Daphne” who performs tricks and bows to the audience in her show-stopping appearance, was stolen after a preview performance. (I know many actors who can’t do any tricks and are too klutzy to bow before an audience.) How can this happen you say? Possibly a “stage-door-Johnny” snuck in when the stage-door keeper named, Pop, had his back turned or was asleep. Stage-door keepers are always named Pop and always are asleep. Police are questioning Pop about seeing someone leaving the theatre with a quacking bundle under their arm.

“I am very concerned. She had 30 performances under her bill and was our best duck,” the show’s producer said. An understudy duck called Sabre is waiting in the wings. “I hope it will be a case of ‘A Duck Is Born,” he added. Some skeptical theatrical people are even suggesting that perhaps Sabre or her people had something to do with the kidnapping. Sabre’s favorite movie is “All About Eve.”

“The police came and were very supportive. Forty-five minutes after the theft, a lady found an empty box in Covent Garden. The box has been fingerprinted,” he told the news media. The show is being staged at a West End theatre not far from London’s Chinatown, famed for its Peking duck dishes. Police are scouring Chinatown restaurants looking for a duck with theatrical make-up and heavy eye-shadow.

“I am distraught. I found it too upsetting to walk through Chinatown afterwards in case there was any recognition,” he cried. “It is not often that you have a West End star stolen.” He also said he feared for the welfare of Daphne, a pure white Indian runner. “I hope they don’t try to take this duck to water. Indian runners don’t swim.” He also pointed out her spangled, sexy costume would probably make her sink.

All of London is up in arms at this kidnapping. Many actors and actresses fear that they might be next. Some are even taking swimming lessons. Let’s all pray for Daphne. I, for one, will never order Peking duck again until this case is solved.