YOU IS WHAT YOU WEAR, BRO.

Everyone has heard the phrase, “you are what you eat.” The same can be said about, “you are what you wear.” The first impression most people get about us is how we look – what we are wearing. If a gown man or woman shows up wearing a diaper you’ve got to figure they have a continent problem or are going through their second childhood. If your favorite article of clothing is an aluminum dunce cap you are probably out of your tree.

Most professional athletes lately dress horribly. It wasn’t always that way. Years ago team owners, managers and head coaches insisted their athletes dress as professionals – suits, ties and shoes without soles flapping. They represented their teams and cities and were expected to dress accordingly. The image of the sport depended on that so their young fans could look up to them. That feeling and responsibility went the way of the dodo bird.

Well, the good news is that the NBA has just put a ‘dress code’ into place. Commissioner David Stern decided that something had to be done about his sport’s deteriorating image. Lately many of us have been disgusted at the behavior of the multi-millionaire basketball players: climbing into the stands to fight; illegal drug and steroid use; marital abuse; and breaking society’s laws without punishment. Who do they think they are politicians?

David Stern is a big man – not in stature but the willingness to take on the spoiled, selfish and immensely rich athletes in his league. Almost all of them dress like Crips and Bloods. They think Puff Daddy is a couturier. Until now they couldn’t care less about their images – they believed they owed no responsibility to the fans and their team. They showed up to work in sloppy, inappropriate costumes – caps worn sideways, ill-fitting baggy clothes and more gold chains than Sammy Davis, Jr. ever owned.

The dress code put into place bars them from wearing sunglasses inside arenas, no flip flops – actual shoes are required, no baggy gangsta shorts, no chains and appropriate jackets and slacks. Wow. Who does the NBA think they are normal human beings? The players screamed at the news like a mouse stepped on by an elephant. Some players even suggested that the new rules were “racist.” Balderdash! (Be honest how many times have you said Balderdash in the past week?) Is it ‘racist’ to ask grown men to dress like grown men and not hip-hop thugs? I just hope the NBA doesn’t back down and enforces the new rules. Other professional sports should insist their athletes do the same.

If this catches on, it should be spread to fans. No one should be allowed to sit at a sporting even unless they are wearing a tuxedo. Nobody wearing a tux would dare spit at a player or throw a bag of peanuts at him. Instead of slugging down beers they should only be allowed to drink daiquiris. In the case of the Gay Olympics Shirley Temples will be allowed for those fans holding daffodils. Women fans would be required to wear evening gowns or cocktail dresses. Referees, officials and umpires would wear three piece suits and homburgs. I’m telling you, these new dress rules would be very popular – especially with clothing designers and over-priced clothing stores. It’d help the economy as much as a war.

While we’re at it wouldn’t it be a keen idea to insist that professional athletes learn how to speak proper English? Nah, that might be pushing it too far.