IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

One of the most difficult things to do is figuring out what to buy family and friends during holidays or special occasions. Birthdays for instance drive me crazy. What does he or she need? What do they really want? What can I buy that will be a big, pleasant surprise? The Old Geezer has given up asking the person’s mate what they like more than anything else in the world. The answer I inevitably get is, “I dunno? Forget it he (or she) has everything. You’d just be wasting your time and money.” Don’t believe it. One year I received 13 pair of pajamas on my birthday…13. What the hell was I supposed to do with 13 crappy pairs of pj’s? I don’t even wear the damn things. I needed 13 pairs like I needed another circumcision.

Knowing that one day I would be asked by one of those idiots how the pajamas fit? I decided to get it over in one fell-swoop. I put all 13 pairs on at the same time, took them off and burned them. My answer to how they fit was “tight.”

Some people even make pacts that on each other’s birthday they won’t exchange gifts. Big mistake. When their birthday rolls around and the other person shakes their hand, wishes them a Happy Birthday…they stare, “That’s it? Just a Happy fucking Birthday? No gift? Some goddamn friend!” That’s usually the last time you see them. When you explain to mutual friends that you’re really not an insensitive cheapskate…that you had a “no gifts this year” pact, they shake their head and walk away. The lesson to be learned is when someone tells you they don’t want anything from you – go into hock with some fat necked loan shark and buy the most expensive gift you can think of.

One thing you should never do is try and be clever or funny with gifts. It always backfires like a ’76 Desoto. I know idiots who think its fun to send “Meat of the Month” gifts to vegetarians; a painting of a smiling Christ on the Cross to a religious friend; piles of manure to their in-laws. The Old Geezer urges you not to be a smart-ass comedian when it comes to gifts -- it never works. However, I did laugh when I heard about one person who sent a membership in Weight Watcher’s to Karen Carpenter. But usually the attempt at humor is lame. It’d be like sending a basket of Givenchy skin cream to someone suffering from flesh eating disease.

This year, a new product came out which is perfect for those difficult to-buy- for-women in your life. Some smart enterprising company invented…are you ready for this?...a fury, heated bra. The idea is to save on energy and heating bills this winter. The Warm Biz Bra is lined with material that helps save warmth. It has removable pads that can be heated in a microwave or hot water – as well as long, furry straps that wrap around the neck like a scarf, and matching shorts. According to the manufacturer, “Warm Biz Bra let’s you add a little fun and chic to office wear, and prevents global warming.”

What a great idea. Instead of worrying about which diamond bracelet to buy “the little woman” or which model convertible Mercedes to buy the girlfriend you can save yourself all that hassle – just present them with a Warm Biz Bra. The look on their face should stay with you all during your stay in intensive care.

I can’t wait until they start manufacturing heated jockey shorts and jockstraps for those male friends that are never satisfied with the pajamas I give them.