DO YOU SNORE?

This is a test. What is the worst thing a husband or wife can say to their mate? In my case, my wife used to complain that, “I was inconsiderate and we never communicated. I never cared about what she thought or said. That I was in my own world and selfish. That we never talked anymore and that I never listened to her.” I usually answered, “I’m sorry were you talking to me.”

Other favorite complaints are: “You’re lazy, you’re not romantic, you have no interest in me or the kids, the only thing you care about is eating and watching television, you belch too much, you’ve let yourself go and that I never should have married you.” And those are the comments of the couples who still love each other. No, the worst thing a wife or husband can say is you SNORE!

Snoring is a horrible thing especially at night. Sometimes a man who never snored in his life suddenly begins to sound like a freight train when his head hits the pillow. It must be a developed skill. Some women also have a snoring problem. My ex sounded like a 747 taking off when we went to sleep. When we are first accused of snoring we deny that we do. “No one ever told me that I snored before?” Being a late bloomer when it comes to snoring, I have tried every remedy known to science. I’ve put a close-pin on my nose; wore anti-snoring strips across my nose, tried magnets…stuffed my nose with socks…nothing worked. The only solution next to homicide is to sleep in separate bedrooms. What fun is that?

Well, there is finally hope for all of us who snore. According to the British Medical Journal, researchers in Switzerland working with chronic snorers and moderate sleep apnea patients believe that the answer to our problems is the Australian didgeridoo. The what? The Australian didgeridoo. What the hell is a didgeridoo? Some kind of sex toy?

It turns out the didgeridoo is a wind instrument which originated in northern Australia and is made from the trunk of a tree hollowed out by termites. The researchers had patients suffering from sleep apnea and severe snoring disorder take daily lessons in playing the didgeridoo. They found that those who played the instrument over a 4-month period showed significant improvement in their apnea and their partners also reported fewer disturbances from snoring.

The researchers said training the upper airways through the breathing techniques required to play the didgeridoo was behind the improvement. Holy Molly, if this proves true you can improve and have quality sleep time by simply learning how to play the didgeridoo. Husbands and wives can resume sleeping together…and only complain about the other’s farting.

The Geezer isn’t sure about this whole thing. Where does one buy a didgeridoo? How do you know you’re getting an original didgeridoo and not some cheap knock-off from China? And, I don’t know if I want to put some hunk of wood in my mouth that was once breakfast for termites.