IN DEFENSE OF HALLIE BARRY'S KNOCKERS.

I’m not a cat person. I’m allergic to most of them…especially the kind of cat that eats people. I came by this fear only after one of his pussies decided to make a meal out of Roy of Siegfried &….

Cats are really strange. They’re arrogant, smug, sly, cunning and aloof. They glance at humans with that superior, supercilious look that says, “Schmuck, what are you looking at?” Most felines are not cuddly and warm like dogs. They don’t need people’s love and approval….they are totally independent. If I wanted something cold and unfeeling to make me feel inferior and needy I’d still be married.

My dislike for cats is so ingrained that I refused to see Hallie Barry in “Cat Woman” even though she showed a boob. Normally, I’d walk through fire to see her boob or even her earlobe. Another thing that drives me crackers is cat’s behavior. They climb up and hide on top of things and stare spitefully at you from bookshelves. It’s not normal. Dogs stay on the ground where they belong or if you let them, jump on a couch or two.

Most experts believe that cats are untrainable. They don’t do tricks, fetch, jump in the air and grab Frisbees or love to dive into water. They’re just there… hanging around. Dropping hair like stroke victim Dick Clark drops consonants.

It’s this popular belief that caused me to say, “whatthehey” when I read about Tommy, a orange and tan striped cat, living in Columbus, Ohio. Maybe we have been all wrong about cats and their being untrainable. It seems the police received a 9-1-1 call and when they arrived at the apartment they found Tommy lying by a telephone on the living room floor with a shit-eating grin on his face. The cat’s helpless owner was on the ground near his bed having fallen out of his wheelchair.

The owner told the police that his cat must have hit the right buttons to call 9-1-1. “I know it sounds kind of weird,” said one of the cops unsuccessfully searching for some other explanation. The owner said he couldn’t get up off the floor because of pain from osteoporosis and mini-strokes that disrupt his balance. He also wasn’t wearing his medical-alert necklace and couldn’t reach a cord above his pillow that alerts paramedics that he needs help.

Police said police received a 9-1-1 call from the apartment, but there was no one on the phone. Police called back to make sure everything was OK, and when no one answered, they decided to check things out. That’s when they found Tommy, the cat, next to the phone.

The helpless owner got the cat three years ago to help keep him company. Although the cat wasn’t a very good conversationalist he was friendly. The owner tried to train Tommy to call 9-1-1, unsure if the training ever stuck. The phone in the living room is always on the floor, and there are 12 small buttons – including a speed dial for 9-1-1 right above the button for the speaker phone.

Obviously, we are all guilty of not giving cats enough credit for being able to be trained. Tommy must have called emergency when his owner was in distress. He’s a hairy, catnip-lover hero any way you slice it. When the police looked at Tommy in admiration Tommy just looked that them as if to say, “What are you looking at Schmuck? Of course I can dial a stupid phone; I can also cook a soufflé that’d knock your blackjack off.”

I hate to admit it but perhaps I’ve been wrong about cats. Just for that I’m going to run out and buy a DVD of “Cat Woman” and admire Ms. Barry’s boob.