THE THREE Rs.
For all the people who insist that criminals are among the dumbest creatures on the face of the earth and point to prisons being overcrowded to prove their argument I say ‘not so fast.’ It is undeniable that many nefarious men and women don’t have all their oars in the water but to condemn an entire population by doubting their intelligence is unfair and an exaggeration. Oh, sure, some of you A-Type personalities will point to Melvin Needleman who was convicted of opening a chain of shoe shine stands on the beach.
Every once in awhile a criminal comes along and does something that baffles law enforcement. Their crime is so diabolical and strange that it would make passing a kidney stone a walk in the park. Salt Lake City police are still confounded by the killer who confessed even though the only evidence of his crime as the victim’s eyebrow…a set of sideburns, a lower lip and two cups of armpit hair.
Greencastle, Indiana authorities are faced with one of those unexplained criminal acts. A consonant-loving thief has police and business owners confused after dozens of Rs were stolen from signs around the community. “We’ve lost our Rs. And we want them back,” said an irate Randall Jones, president of Headley Hardware. Some now refer to him as “andall Jones” and his store as “Headley Hadwae.” This unsettling caper targeted gas stations, restaurants, repair shops and medical offices in the city of 10,000 people 40-miles west of Indianapolis. The thief also nabbed half a dozen Rs from a lighted marquee in front of a National Guard post.
“I don’t know if he thinks it’s a joke, but to me it’s just theft with a capital R,” said a police official. One of the victims isn’t sure how the crook climbed more than 6-feet off the ground to take Rs from a sign in front of her motel now called “The Est, Elaxation, Oadside Motel.” Why in the hell would somebody want to steal consonants? With all the valuable items that can be found in Greencastle…like…uh…a collection of Frankie Valli records or the recipe for spam soufflé why would someone risk jail to pilfer Rs? I checked with one of my sources in the FBI – actually J. Edgar Hoover’s dress maker - and they have no record of a consonant hooligan. This is a first.
What if this crime starts a trend in the U.S.? Cities all over could find that fiendish criminals begin heisting other letters or punctuation: semicolons, apostrophes, quotation marks and hyphens. The English language as we know it would be at an end. We’ll begin to sound like the audience at the Jerry Springer show. Screw gang bangers and drug dealers, this is serious.
Every once in awhile a criminal comes along and does something that baffles law enforcement. Their crime is so diabolical and strange that it would make passing a kidney stone a walk in the park. Salt Lake City police are still confounded by the killer who confessed even though the only evidence of his crime as the victim’s eyebrow…a set of sideburns, a lower lip and two cups of armpit hair.
Greencastle, Indiana authorities are faced with one of those unexplained criminal acts. A consonant-loving thief has police and business owners confused after dozens of Rs were stolen from signs around the community. “We’ve lost our Rs. And we want them back,” said an irate Randall Jones, president of Headley Hardware. Some now refer to him as “andall Jones” and his store as “Headley Hadwae.” This unsettling caper targeted gas stations, restaurants, repair shops and medical offices in the city of 10,000 people 40-miles west of Indianapolis. The thief also nabbed half a dozen Rs from a lighted marquee in front of a National Guard post.
“I don’t know if he thinks it’s a joke, but to me it’s just theft with a capital R,” said a police official. One of the victims isn’t sure how the crook climbed more than 6-feet off the ground to take Rs from a sign in front of her motel now called “The Est, Elaxation, Oadside Motel.” Why in the hell would somebody want to steal consonants? With all the valuable items that can be found in Greencastle…like…uh…a collection of Frankie Valli records or the recipe for spam soufflé why would someone risk jail to pilfer Rs? I checked with one of my sources in the FBI – actually J. Edgar Hoover’s dress maker - and they have no record of a consonant hooligan. This is a first.
What if this crime starts a trend in the U.S.? Cities all over could find that fiendish criminals begin heisting other letters or punctuation: semicolons, apostrophes, quotation marks and hyphens. The English language as we know it would be at an end. We’ll begin to sound like the audience at the Jerry Springer show. Screw gang bangers and drug dealers, this is serious.
posted by THE RANTING OLD GEEZER at 4:58 PM
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