STOP COMPLAINING!
Most men have a reoccurring nightmare, a fear that makes them shake like someone sitting on the third rail. It has nothing to do with things that go bump in the night. It’s worse than that. It’s the inability to perform. I’m not talking about doing a lousy impression of Jimmy Cagney or getting stage fright at some karaoke bar. It’s the terror of not being able to get it up anymore.
Men have adopted many names for their sex tool: “Johnson, Hebrew national salami, hammer, the big guy,” and my favorite, “the purple headed love machine.” Strangely, women don’t find it necessary to give a pet name to their ‘thing’. What most adult men dread is the possibility that the inches of flesh that hangs from their groin will one day be as useless as a wet noodle. Flaccid, soft, drooping, weak and as welcome as a severe heart attack.
To help when that unhappy day arrives males, all over the world, are spending hundreds of millions of dollars buying sex aids, pills and devices to help with erectile dysfunction. Levitra, Viagra, Endocrin, Cialis are a few of the more popular ones. Guys swallow them like they’re M&Ms…in the hope that on the rare occasion “the little woman” decides that sex might be permitted without causing her to upchuck he will be able to perform as he once could. Some desperate fellows even resort to having penile implants and penile pumps put in. All of these measures make pharmaceutical companies billions while issuing the warning that if an erection lasts more than 4-hours the customer should seek medical help. Christ, if every man I know found that his erection lasted 4 hours he would take an ad out in the local paper and star in his own infomercial.
Consider the case of a Providence, Rhode Island man who won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection. 10-years of proudly walking around with “the big guy” in all his glory. This 68-year old received the steel and plastic implant in 1996, about two years before Viagra went on the market. The Dura-11 is designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, the lower it. Kind of like a circumcised drawbridge.
But, this poor guy couldn’t position his penis downward. He said he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks because of the embarrassment. He became a recluse, his lawyer said. “I don’t know any man who for any amount of money would want to trade and take my client’s life,” he continued. Me, Me, Me, Me…………..! The chutzpah of the guy, kvetching because he can’t get it down and The Geezer can’t get excited if he has a 16-year old lap dancer sitting on his shvance.
The company claims that nothing was wrong with the implant. One spokesperson hinted that aliens might have something to do with the screw-up. The ‘lucky fella’ can’t have the implant removed because of health problems, including open-heart surgery. Impotence drugs could not help even if he were able to have the device taken out, because tissue had to be removed for it to be implanted.
So, there he sits with his permanent erection trying to be useful. His wife hangs clothes on his penis to dry; he rents himself out as a pointer and has answered
the age old question, “are you just happy to see me or is that a flashlight in your pocket?”
Men have adopted many names for their sex tool: “Johnson, Hebrew national salami, hammer, the big guy,” and my favorite, “the purple headed love machine.” Strangely, women don’t find it necessary to give a pet name to their ‘thing’. What most adult men dread is the possibility that the inches of flesh that hangs from their groin will one day be as useless as a wet noodle. Flaccid, soft, drooping, weak and as welcome as a severe heart attack.
To help when that unhappy day arrives males, all over the world, are spending hundreds of millions of dollars buying sex aids, pills and devices to help with erectile dysfunction. Levitra, Viagra, Endocrin, Cialis are a few of the more popular ones. Guys swallow them like they’re M&Ms…in the hope that on the rare occasion “the little woman” decides that sex might be permitted without causing her to upchuck he will be able to perform as he once could. Some desperate fellows even resort to having penile implants and penile pumps put in. All of these measures make pharmaceutical companies billions while issuing the warning that if an erection lasts more than 4-hours the customer should seek medical help. Christ, if every man I know found that his erection lasted 4 hours he would take an ad out in the local paper and star in his own infomercial.
Consider the case of a Providence, Rhode Island man who won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection. 10-years of proudly walking around with “the big guy” in all his glory. This 68-year old received the steel and plastic implant in 1996, about two years before Viagra went on the market. The Dura-11 is designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, the lower it. Kind of like a circumcised drawbridge.
But, this poor guy couldn’t position his penis downward. He said he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks because of the embarrassment. He became a recluse, his lawyer said. “I don’t know any man who for any amount of money would want to trade and take my client’s life,” he continued. Me, Me, Me, Me…………..! The chutzpah of the guy, kvetching because he can’t get it down and The Geezer can’t get excited if he has a 16-year old lap dancer sitting on his shvance.
The company claims that nothing was wrong with the implant. One spokesperson hinted that aliens might have something to do with the screw-up. The ‘lucky fella’ can’t have the implant removed because of health problems, including open-heart surgery. Impotence drugs could not help even if he were able to have the device taken out, because tissue had to be removed for it to be implanted.
So, there he sits with his permanent erection trying to be useful. His wife hangs clothes on his penis to dry; he rents himself out as a pointer and has answered
the age old question, “are you just happy to see me or is that a flashlight in your pocket?”
posted by THE RANTING OLD GEEZER at 10:56 AM
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