HAND ME MY CLOAK.

Remember the fairy tale about “The Emperor’s new clothes”? For those of you who stopped reading after “Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a basket of methamphetamines”….the legend has it that the Emperor made it an official holiday for his subjects to view his new set of clothes. When he showed up bare ass naked they all applauded and swore that he was wearing the most gorgeous outfit since Elton John’s marriage dress. The point of the story is you see what you want to see. Very much like the White House’s view of their job performance. It’s all smoke and mirrors.

As Gomer Pyle used to say, “Well Gooollly,” what seemed like a nice fairy tale might finally becoming true. Scientists in England and America are working on the ability to make humans invisible. I know it sounds as implausible as NBA basketball players giving up their tattoos but these researchers think they can develop an “invisibility cloak” just like the one Harry Potter inherited from his father. The only thing the Old Geezer inherited from my pop was a case of Beano. Old Murray had more gas than the entire state of Texas.

The key are special manmade materials, unlike any in nature or the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. These materials are intended to steer light and other forms of electromagnetic radiation around an object therefore making it invisible. A cloak made of those materials, with a structure design down to the submicroscopic scale would neither reflect nor cast a shadow. “You could actually make someone invisible as long as someone wears a cloak made of the material.” Such a cloak doesn’t exist, but it’s not far away – perhaps within two years.

The Pentagon supports the research, giving obvious military applications of such stealthy technology. Of course, the Bush White House approves because then they can claim that Iraq’s WMDs were there all along but covered in this invisible material.

Can you imagine if this ability becomes available to the rest of us? Private Dicks could walk right up to a cheating husband without being seen; you could sneak up on your wife, tap her on the shoulder and drive her crazy when she turns and finds no one; it’d be a great way to lose weight – the average fat slob could smell delicious, fattening home cooking and pull out the TV tray, open a can of beer and stuff his fleshy face with absolutely nothing. Just watch those pounds drop off. Nudist colonies would be filled with fully clothed men and women.

I can’t wait for these invisible cloaks to come out. Leading designers would have their own expensive lines of invisibility. I hope they come in seersucker. It’ll match my eyes.