DON'T SHOW ME RED.

Are you an “A” type personality that has little patience and wants things done when you want them done? You’re probably one of those men or women that conduct their life like it was a tool box. Everything neatly in its place. If this sounds like you welcome to the world of frustration and disappointment. Let’s face it; the world doesn’t work that way. You will live your life depressed at your inability to control things. As we all know, depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

One of the things that is sure to bug us “A” type folks is when we are in a rush and hit every red light in the city. It never fails. Jump in our car and speed off for something important – like buying more invisible ink – by the way, how does one know when they’re out of invisible ink? – and we will be faced with a red light on every street corner. It’s like “the Big Traffic Cop in the Sky” is determined to ruin our day. The thing that really pisses me off is that when I’m taking a leisurely spin in my Hudson Hornet and couldn’t care less when I get to my destination I’ll never see a red light. It’s like the red traffic lights went on vacation to Serbia. The only ones in sight are green. Not even a lousy yellow light to tease me. That ever happen to you?

Well, an “A” type guy in Longmont, Colorado finally did something about the red light problem. He obviously lost his patience with the traffic light problems he faced everyday and decided to beat the system. I love this guy. Here’s what he did. He bought a device on eBay to foil his red light enemy. No, it wasn’t Britney Spear’s used diaphragm, although he was tempted. He purchased a doohickey that lets him change traffic lights from red to green. Ain’t that the best? He figured that the device he bought for $100 helped him cut his time driving to work. “”I guess in the two years I had it, the thing paid for itself.” Spoken like a true neurotic. Oh, in case you were wondering what he did that was so important – the guy owned a rubber band store.

He was finally was caught after the police said that they found him using a strobe-like device to change traffic signals. His excuse was that he might miss a customer that needed rubber bands. The device called Opticon, is similar to what firefighter’s use to change lights when they respond to emergencies. It emits an infrared pulse that receivers on the traffic lights pick up. Apparently, he strongly believed that rubber bands are as important as 3-alarm fires.

He was cited after city traffic engineers who noticed repeated traffic-light disruptions on certain intersections spotted a white Ford pick-up passing by whenever the light patterns were disrupted. Can you believe the chutzpah of the city workers taking the time to track down our “hero” when they should have been eating donuts and coffee waiting for the next customer to bribe them?

Despite him being on America’s Most Dangerous Criminals TV Show I want to send flowers and bow down to a fellow “A” type who had it up to here with those stupid red traffic lights. When we’re in a hurry you’d better look out, Bubba, ‘cause we not stopping for no stinking traffic light.