THE LAP OF LUXURY

For those of you planning one of those fabulous vacations to the south of France, Hawaii, the Greek Islands or a cruise to Alaska – hold on. Cancel the bloody trip. As another public service the Old Geezer suggests you save those thousands. Forget staying at some dreary 5-Star hotel and eating yourself to fat heaven which Lord knows you don’t need. How does a vacation close to tranquil waters which includes cross-country skiing, tennis and horse-riding and gourmet meals sound which will cost you bupkis – nada – zippo – your stay is free of charge?

Not too shabby, eh? This vacation wonderland is offered to the few lucky people sent to Bastoy Prison in Norway. Yup! Not only will you stay near an Oslo fjord but think of the fun of breaking bread with rapists, murderers, drug traffickers and politicians who accepted large bribes. “We try to take a cross-section of the country’s prison population, not just nice criminals,” said Oyvind Alnaes, governor of the minimum security prison on Bastoy Island about 46 miles south of the Norwegian capital. Hell, even disgraced former congressman Duke Cunningham would be envious. Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling would give millions of their Enron stock for a “suite” in this luxurious clink. This place makes Club Med look like a slum in Calcutta.

Inmates have included Norway’s most notorious serial killer and a hooker that was convicted of having sex with a large mouth bass. “A lot of people in Norway say that we treat prisoners too well because they should be punished. But that is the biggest mistake we have been making since the 1600s. Treating them roughly makes people bad.” Go figure. The one square mile island offers its 115 “residents” luxury living including tennis and horses pulling sleighs over packed snow but only they put in a few hours working on the farm. “We want to become the first ecological prison in the world,” said the daffy warden.

I urge you to forget that petty murder you were going to commit, the embezzlement of your church’s poor box or any other dastardly crime you were thinking of – fly to Norway and do it there. Just think an all expense vacation and you won’t have to bang on any bars to get your herring on brown bread and schnapps served on the finest Norwegian china. “It’s okay here,” said one prisoner. “They have cable TV and it gives you time to think and reflect and, of course, I enjoy the sleigh rides. It’s much calmer here, we have a great sea view and it’s only 150 meters to the beach.”

Hell’s bells this truly is a place where you can do the crime and serve the time standing on your head...although it isn’t advised during a soft-packed snow storm. The choice is yours – Pelican Bay or Bastoy Prison? Call your travel agent now!!!