HOW TO BEGIN?

Writing is a very difficult vocation or avocation. Most things you read make you wish the author was caught committing a perverted act involving a floor lamp, a woodpecker and a box of rubber bands. Is there anything duller or nauseating than bad writing? That’s the question I ask myself after reading one of my Blogs.

Imagine the stark terror of staring at a blank piece of paper sticking out of a typewriter carriage that dares you to write something meaningful or clever when your mind is as blank as a Vegas showgirl’s stare. Today, of course, modern technology has changed things. Instead of a blank piece of paper the petrified writer is probably facing an empty computer screen. This ailment is called “Writer’s block.” The Geezer suffered from it for many years. My total output of prose during that time consisted of three commas and one semi-colon.

The most difficult thing about writing is getting started. It’s a lot more difficult than it sounds. You want to interest and capture a reader’s attention with the first sentence. Some examples of the difficulty can be found in a collection called, “Ignore These Four Words.” Here are a few of my favorite opening lines: “The giant man began to shit on Philadelphia”; “That’s when the gorilla showed up”; it was probably the veal parmagian incident. Well what was it doing in his wallet?” “Have you ever thought about knock-knock jokes?”

There is an actual contest for bad writing put on by San Jose University in California. This year’s winner was a retired mechanical designer named Jim Guigli. He is blessed with a penchant for poor prose and took a tired detective novel scene and made it even worse earning him top honors. He submitted 64 entries into he contest which impressed, or revolted the judges with his lack of talent. His winning effort was a passage about a comely woman who walks into a detective’s office. San Jose University professors use words like “comely” which is enough to intimidate most people.

Here’s what he wrote: “Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you’ve had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.” Wow! “He won because of his appalling powers of invention, “said Professor Scott Rice who has been in charge of the bad writing contest since its inception in 1982.

Guigli will receive “a pittance: for his winning entry (they also use the word pittance in San Jose), a bit of cash he said he might put toward the purchase of a motor boat or a dictionary. His work for the contest represents a sampling of a career that never quite developed for him. The contest is named for Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830n novel began with the often mocked, “It was a dark and storm night.” What the hell is wrong with that opening? He could have written something like, “I was too drunk to jerk off.”