AND THE RECORD IS....?
Men and women who strive their whole lives to call attention to themselves and are so insecure that unless they’re the center of attention they break out in spasms. These egocentric, vain, conceited, dumb, corrupt and pompous individuals turn my stomach. But, enough about Republicans….
Every once in a while we read of characters who are so deranged that their whole reason for being is to get into the Guinness Book of Records. If their feat to enter Guinness was something worthwhile I’d tip my homburg to them – but the ones we hear about are weird, pitiful souls. Is it really that important to be known as the person who ate 300 live chickens in one seating? The fellow in Allentown, Pa.
who did the best impression of Wink Martindale? The lady in Spokane, Washington who has been married 16 times – but to coat trees.
The latest crop of Guinness candidates is nuttier than usual. Lee Redmond’s claim to fame is that she has the longest fingernails in the world. 24-feet, 7-inches. She looks like she has hula-hoops growing out of her fingers. She started growing her nails 27 years ago. Talk about being bored! She has a meticulous routine to keep them in tip-top condition. “I clean them with a toothbrush when they get dirty and always treat them with olive oil and nail hardener.” She still manages to shave her husband daily which is probably why he is ‘suffering’ from Alzheimer’s.
I don’t think the guy is suffering at all; he now has no memory of why he married this nut cake. Lee probably has her nails manicured with an electric hedge cutter.
Believe it or not she has attracted some unusual admirers over the years and once was offered money by some sicko who wanted to nibble her talons. When asked the inevitable question about how on earth she goes to the bathroom, Redmond said, “very carefully.”
A 17-year older from Utah, named Studham joined the ranks of the weird and wacky Guinness record holders with the tallest hair on the planet. “It’s a real icebreaker with the girls,” the teenager said. “It took me five to six years to grow.” His Mohawk hairstyle is 24-inches high. “It takes me an hour to comb.” Obviously he doesn’t have parents or they would have committed him years ago. The only excuse I can think of for his hair is what else can a teen do in Utah?
If these two aren’t enough to hide in a closet here are some of the other characters making the record book: the proud purveyors of the world’s stretchiest skin, narrowest waist and longest ear-hair. My personal favorite is the woman who can pop her eyeballs 43 inches out of their sockets.
Instead of continuing to publish this nonsense I suggest that the editors of the Guinness Book start drinking Guinness stout and never stop. I have a friend who is threatening to enter next year. His claim to fame is that he looks exactly like Keith Richards. If I did I would commit suicide.
Every once in a while we read of characters who are so deranged that their whole reason for being is to get into the Guinness Book of Records. If their feat to enter Guinness was something worthwhile I’d tip my homburg to them – but the ones we hear about are weird, pitiful souls. Is it really that important to be known as the person who ate 300 live chickens in one seating? The fellow in Allentown, Pa.
who did the best impression of Wink Martindale? The lady in Spokane, Washington who has been married 16 times – but to coat trees.
The latest crop of Guinness candidates is nuttier than usual. Lee Redmond’s claim to fame is that she has the longest fingernails in the world. 24-feet, 7-inches. She looks like she has hula-hoops growing out of her fingers. She started growing her nails 27 years ago. Talk about being bored! She has a meticulous routine to keep them in tip-top condition. “I clean them with a toothbrush when they get dirty and always treat them with olive oil and nail hardener.” She still manages to shave her husband daily which is probably why he is ‘suffering’ from Alzheimer’s.
I don’t think the guy is suffering at all; he now has no memory of why he married this nut cake. Lee probably has her nails manicured with an electric hedge cutter.
Believe it or not she has attracted some unusual admirers over the years and once was offered money by some sicko who wanted to nibble her talons. When asked the inevitable question about how on earth she goes to the bathroom, Redmond said, “very carefully.”
A 17-year older from Utah, named Studham joined the ranks of the weird and wacky Guinness record holders with the tallest hair on the planet. “It’s a real icebreaker with the girls,” the teenager said. “It took me five to six years to grow.” His Mohawk hairstyle is 24-inches high. “It takes me an hour to comb.” Obviously he doesn’t have parents or they would have committed him years ago. The only excuse I can think of for his hair is what else can a teen do in Utah?
If these two aren’t enough to hide in a closet here are some of the other characters making the record book: the proud purveyors of the world’s stretchiest skin, narrowest waist and longest ear-hair. My personal favorite is the woman who can pop her eyeballs 43 inches out of their sockets.
Instead of continuing to publish this nonsense I suggest that the editors of the Guinness Book start drinking Guinness stout and never stop. I have a friend who is threatening to enter next year. His claim to fame is that he looks exactly like Keith Richards. If I did I would commit suicide.
posted by THE RANTING OLD GEEZER at 10:03 AM
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