BLAME IT ON CAPTAIN KANGEROO

Television has been blamed for many things over the years. Certainly in the past few years TV is responsible for the ‘Dumbing-Down’ of Americans. The programming is infantile and feeble-minded. Reality programs have taken the place of bright sitcoms and well written dramas. Dancing with the Stars has given birth to Ice Skating with the Stars. Will “Passing Gas with the Stars” be far behind? (I know, I know.)

TV violence has been blamed for crime in the streets especially involving teenagers. Let’s face it, television is an easy target. Rather than parents taking responsibility for their children’s illicit and criminal behavior…why not lay the blame on Big Bird or David Letterman? Some zealots have even accused it of causing bleeding gums and athlete’s foot. That may be going too far but not by much.

A new study has just come out which blames TV for a lousy sex life. Are they claiming that couples keep falling off the set while ‘doing it’? I can see some complaints with Plasma TVs they would make making love impossible unless you are a contortionist. But, this study insists that if you have a TV in your bedroom chances are you will have sex half as often as those who don’t.

“If there’s no television in the bedroom, the frequency (of sexual intercourse) doubles,” said a member of the team of psychologists conducting this survey. These busy-bodies questioned over 534 couples to see what effect television had on their sex lives. On average couples who live without TV in the bedroom have sex twice a week, or eight times a month. This drops to an average of four times a month for those with a TV. These scientists did not factor in whether the couple liked each other or were repulsed by their partner. I hate talking about my own short-lived marriage but she did insist that we couldn’t have sex if we were in the same State.

The study found certain programs are far more likely to impede passion than others. For some bizarre reason watching the World Federation Wrestling matches was a turn-off to the little woman. “Bulbs R Us” an adult gardening program effected men better than swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills. Violent films will put a stop to sexual relations for half the couples – unless one of the partners just got out of Folsom prison. Reality shows stem passion for a third of the couples. The study claimed that Desperate Housewives was a surprising turn-off to couples. Wonder if the hubby turned to his wife before turning off the light and said, “Why the hell can’t you look like her?”

The conclusion has to be that to have a fantastic, sensual, hot, pleasure-loving, lewd, hedonistic, orgiastic love life forget watching TV in the bedroom. We tried watching the radio and that didn’t work either.