EVERYTHING NEW IS OLD....

“Nothing is new”. That was first said by a sissy antique dealer to a customer while having a hissy fit. But the theme is a correct one. Almost everything in our lives is based on something from the past. Arts, literature, architecture, politics, science, music, human relationships are all grounded in events that happened to generations before us. History is the greatest teacher we can have…with the exception of Miss Newman, my geography teacher who was so gorgeous she could have caused an ox to break out in zits.

When something is discovered we all shout with glee at the amazing progress that man has made. The truth is that the “new” discovery is probably based on lots of work that was done in the past by others. For instance, take Preparation H – a valuable medication to lots of men. The firm that put it out has made hundreds of millions. No one mentions Harry Secord who was working for years on a cure for hemorrhoids. He experimented and experimented and finally gave up ‘this close’ to inventing the finished product. His last try was called, Preparation G. So close and yet so far away.

Scientists in London and Ireland have just revealed that they discovered the remains of two prehistoric men in an Irish bog. Their discovery revealed a couple of surprises – one used hair gel and the other stood 6foot 6inches high, the tallest Iron Age body discovered. “He would have been a giant…the other man was quite short, about 5foot 2inches, “said the head of antiquities at the National Museum of Ireland.

This was an amazing discovery. Historians believed that males living in the Iron Age were very short. Six foot six inches is about the size of a guard in the NBA. But the prehistoric male didn’t even have a basketball near him. Wonder if he was called “Stretch” by his parents?

“The shorter man appeared to attempt to give himself greater stature by a rather curious headdress which was a bit like a Mohican-style with a load of hair gel, which was a resin imported from France,” he continued. This means, of course, that France was screwing up things even in the Iron Age. So this little guy tried everything to make himself sexier and hunky by applying globs of gel to his pompadour. He was the forerunner of Little Richard.

Bacterial conditions found in the peat bogs preserved the remains so that even fingerprints were clearly visible. Apparently both men had been murdered which adds a twist to the story. Was it possible that the tall, string bean insulted another male by calling him “Shorty”? Did the pomade maven look so ridiculous that he was killed in a gay bashing crime? “Olderoghan Man was stabbed through the chest. He saw the attack coming because there is a defensive injury on his arm. He was then decapitated and his body cut in half which would have made him about the same height as all the other dudes. Clonycaven Man had his head split open with an axe before he was disemboweled.” Speculation abounds that his load of hair gel pissed somebody off big time.

What have we learned from this incident and discovery? Tall men were present in the Iron Age and probably wore baggy shorts and Air Jordan’s and neurotic, insecure males did everything possible to look silly just as they do today. Nothing is new – everything is old.