IDIOT OF THE YEAR.

Are you familiar with the phrase, “Everything being equal”? Well, it never is. Pick a subject and I’ll prove to you that things are never equal. Take looks – If you’re lucky you might look like Brad Pitt and if you’re not, Quasimodo. Height? Some women are tallish like runway models and others look like one of the Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz.

Intelligence is never equal, either. There are PhDs and people who can’t blink their eyes in unison. I guess luck has lots to do with it but the inequity of smarts has even more. We all know and admire men and women with brain power who accomplish marvelous things in life and other poor souls who resemble 7-foot infants with oversized heads. There is nothing sadder than being, knowing or hearing about someone truly dumb and stupid. For instance: people whose talent for sparkling conversation ends with, “you wanna pass me them raisins?”; The wife who boasts that her hubby spent the night playing whist with a plate of chives; The man who proudly introduces his wife as a anchovy trainer. The parents who can’t wait to tell you that their son refuses to read Moby Dick because he thinks it’s a social disease.

My candidate for dumbest person of the Year is a guy living in Orem, Utah. Now, being a native of Orem already puts you last in your class when brains were handed out. Maybe you were even absent that day? This dufus called police to report the theft of a quarter-pound of marijuana. The cops recovered the bag of pot and invited him to come to the Public Safety Building to identify it. This really happened, folks.

The 18-year old moron identified the pot as his and when police pressed him on how can he be so sure, the teen majestically showed the officers where he had written the first stanza of “Hora Staccato” in crayon on the bag. He was promptly arrested and booked into the Utah County jail for possession of marijuana with intent to distribute. The boy had called police after returning home from his finger painting class and found that someone had broken a window that was open, crawled into the house and heisted the pot. The lad also told officers that earlier that day a man called him about buying some marijuana, but after telling the man he had plenty, he said he was on his way to work and told the caller to call back later.

The incarcerated youngster gave the police the man’s name and he was subsequently also picked up with the grass. Orem, can proudly boast of two dumbbells taken off the street in one fell swoop. Some will claim it was bad luck all around but the lack of grey matter certainly had something to do with solving the case.

On the next remake of “Dumb & Dumber” – and there is sure to be one -- I nominate both of the Orem boys to star in it.