DON'T BE AFRAID ANYMORE....

Many people have fears that become obsessions and if not checked can ruin their lives. These fears seem silly and unreasonable to others who don’t suffer from them. Some of the obvious ones are: fear of flying, heights, claustrophobia, fear of the dark…and being asked to play the clavichord.

Men and women go through life terrorized and filled with apprehension hoping to either outgrow their anxiety or hoping to miraculously get the courage to face their fears and defeat them. Others give into these fears and run away to join Sicilian Cousin’s Clubs, begin wearing sarongs and refuse to say Brussels sprouts in mixed company.

Another debilitating fear is public speaking. The idea of talking to a group of strangers is as horrible and scarifying as spending a fun evening with Pol Pot. Perhaps you experienced the fright yourself? Your knees knocking, hand shaking, sweat pouring out of every orifice, your mouth as dry as sand paper and that’s before you even leave your home.
A psychologist at the University of Paisley in Scotland – it used to be called the University of Herringbone - who has studied this fear of speaking in public has come up with an interesting theory on how to conquer it. His study insists that many of the old sores like: Pretending you are talking to one person or concentrating on a single point in the audience is nonsense and doesn’t really work. His hypothesis is that having sex is a good way to calm nerves before giving a speech or presentation.

Not just innocent sex but it has to be full sexual intercourse to get best results. He studied nearly 50 men and women who recorded their sexual activities for two weeks and analyzed its impact on their blood pressure levels when under acute stress, such as when giving a speech. I think that two weeks of constant shtupping would get the same results with people who are chicken flickers.

He discovered that the volunteers who had sexual intercourse were the least stressed and had blood pressure levels that returned to normal more quickly than people who engage in other types of activities – like playing handball. But people who had abstained from sex – which includes most married people – had the highest blood pressure response to stress. Even after taking into account stress due to work or other factors, the range of responses due to stress were best explained by sexual behavior. “The effects are not attributable simply to short-term relief afforded by orgasm – (although that ain’t a kick in the head) but rather endure for at least a week,” he told New Scientist magazine. He believes that the release of the so-called “pair bonding” hormone oxytocin might explain the calming effect.

To review: Instead of crying and kvetching, once again, to your mate that your lack of sex is making you want to mail yourself to Cleveland – lie and claim that you have a big speech coming up at the United Nations and it’s her duty to help you get through it by engaging in wild, enthusiastic, hot, animated sex. If that doesn’t work, a handgun might.